Loss

      Throughout my depression, I feel like I've lost much of myself. My happiness is gone and suicidal thoughts are at my doorstep. I won't let them in. It makes me wonder how much a man can handle before he cracks. The funny thing is that most of it's psychological but this easily manifests as physical symptoms as well. I have once again lost my appetite, my heart rate and blood pressure are up, I don't sleep much anymore, I cry a lot, I have shakes and cold sweats, and my motor skills seem to have slowed down a lot. I have spent much of today in a zone.I feel so sad and broken. I feel like much of the good things in life and things/people that I enjoyed have left me.
     Yesterday was awful and scary. I was constantly fighting suicidal thoughts and holding back tears. Then around 6, it all broke out. It has been  a while since I cried that hard and I had a scary impulse to hurt myself. I just wanted the pain to stop. I knew I had to do something so I locked myself in the bathroom until I was able to calm down enough to take my emergency pill. One of my best friends suggested that I read the bible and make a list of things that I am better off without since I have been in so much pain and agony over a broken relationship. I felt quite foolish because I completely forgot about the bible when I was in the midst of my pain. I must ingrain scripture in my mind for comfort and defense. I am making this my homework because it is vital for my spiritual health and my life.