On The Verge

      I'm getting really worried and scared. I am struggling to hold back my depression. I cannot allow this to interfere with my interview tomorrow. It's scary because depression to me is like a negative voice in my head that is not my own. It was silent for a few days but tonight it was almost as if it screamed in my head: 'Alone!!! You will die alone and unloved!' I had to suppress my first suicidal thought in days. I can't have this happen. Not yet. Not now. I'm praying so hard that I can stave off depression at least until after my interview. I was just starting to regain my strength and confidence. I realize now how fragile this balance is. All it will take is for one thing to go wrong and then that will give my depression a lot of power.
      My heart is racing and I have shallow breaths. I will take my emergency medication if I have to. When depression sets in, it becomes much like a domino effect. It's almost as if everything else in the world around me gets silenced and cancelled out. Then it's just me, my suicidal thoughts, and my worst fears. I will not allow them to come to pass. Things have been much like a roller coaster these past few weeks. I get happy temporarily and then I crash. Happy, and then an even steeper crash. One thing is for certain: My depression will come back and very soon. It's on my doorstep. I'm not going to let this take away what few hopes I have managed to kindle this week. These hopes are extremely precious to me and I will not give them up without a fight. I will be praying extremely hard tonight.