So what exactly leads to suicide? The short answer is clinical depression but the truth is, if you have one devastating event after another happening to you, this greatly increases the chance of suicide. It's what happened to me. It still hurts to think about it because all the issues I face are not yet resolved. I can trace the reasons I attempted suicide all the way back to my very first memory when I was three. ( I will not share this on here for it being too personal but if you are a friend of mine then you may ask me by messaging me). Ever since I hit preschool I have always felt lonely and I am still socially introverted. I don't talk to strangers unless they initiate the conversation first. It's very difficult for me to look at anyone in the eye because I feel... exposed and ugly. I've never seen myself as an attractive person and I try not to call attention to it. I've had low self-esteem and self confidence for about half of my life. That started when I was in sixth grade. I was failing every class and I couldn't concentrate. I lost many of my friends and I was grounded for the year for having bad grades. We also found out that I had ADD and that made me feel so stupid and pathetic that it served as the last straw. I became suicidal and lost all interest in school and education.
Eventually, I got better and my grades got better but I still retain hatred and severe anxiety towards school and education to this day. This was one of many burdens that I carried with me for years. Around eighth grade is when I started to have an intense desire for a girlfriend but I was always too afraid to ask a girl out. That made me feel even more pathetic and ugly. It was a cycle. High school is when my school really started pressuring me about college. This completely turned me off and my hatred for education and school grew. I hate learning. Especially knowledge that I won't need. It's just trash and a waste of money. I am honestly so stubborn that even if I have to work a full-time job for the rest of my life, I would prefer that than going through hell again. School also scares me because it forces me to interact with people and to talk in front of classes. It just brings back painful memories.
Senior year is when things started to fall down around me. I realized that once I graduated, I would most likely lose contact with all my friends and then I would be alone again. I had panic attacks daily and I burst into tears when I didn't want to.
Life grew quite grim for me after high school. I felt so alone. With that pressure adding to the situation with the girl I went to prom with, the intense need for a mate and working a full time job, I completely lost it. I felt that happiness was gone from my life forever so I attempted suicide. I seriously cannot describe how hopeless I felt. The closest thing I could compare it to is that it was as if the sun went out and the world grew cold. I found no rest and no escape from my state of mind so I thought suicide was the only way out. The emotional pain was so intense that tears were streaming down my face and I was literally screaming in agony. I went through that five times. It got to the point where whenever something painful and bad happened to me, I would immediately say to myself, 'I want to die'. Jesus is the only person who keeps me sane. I still block out suicidal thoughts. I don't let them gain a foothold in my mind. Today is one of those days where depression makes me feel like a zombie. I'm a little disillusioned to tell the truth. Being in a relationship is within my grasp but.... I still feel empty and hollow. Sometimes I wonder if I'll feel this way until the Lord calls me home. I just feel so damaged and worn down. I'm so used to depression now that I'm actually numbed. My question is, what do I do now? Is it possible to even feel whole again?
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