Unexpected

         I didn't expect depression to hit this hard and this soon. I'm in so much pain. I've never really had a positive outlook on life. It's cruel, merciless and full of sin. Life almost feels like a punishment. The negative thoughts wear me down until I'm exhausted and that's when the real battle starts. Suicidal thoughts become attractive, like an escape. I constantly have to remind myself that even though I don't like life very much right now, I must stay here until my time is up. It won't last forever and the purpose of remaining here is to make as many disciples of Christ as possible. Jesus never promised us an easy life. In fact, He said that those who follow Him will be hated by the world. But we should not distress because the world hated Him before it hated us.
     I see this life as nothing but a waiting room for heaven. So far, there has not been much joy for me. But it's not about me. It's about Jesus. And I really need His help. I have been so angry, hurt and bitter lately. People can be infuriating and so can undesired situations. This really tires me out and my mind immediately leans toward suicide. I have already begun training my mind on using a different escape. I'm just going to quote scripture in my head. Sometimes I am in so much pain that I can't even complete a thought. I lock myself in a room and wait for it to pass. I have a feeling that I'll be doing a lot of that soon.