Depression has brought down my mood to the point where reality feels dark to me. I am quite familiar with this state of mind and it brings me no pleasure to feel this pain once again. It feels like I have a giant weight upon my head and the feeling of being alone has been intensified tenfold.I hate this feeling and I'm constantly on the verge of tears. I have a broken heart. I thought I was on the mend but this is yet another shock wave. I almost wish I were back in high school when things were so much simpler and I had a routine. I miss all of my friends and I feel so lonely. Depression and suicide has changed my life and has shaken my world. I'm not even going to discuss suicide right now because I'm doing everything possible to avoid it. There are other solutions.
I feel like all I can do right now is curl up into a ball and absorb all the blows depression has to throw at me. I trust that God is in control. Even more so when we are faced with adversity. I pray and two words come back to my mind: Hold On. That's what I intend to do. Just shut my eyes tight and hold on to the Lord with all my might. The pain is very great. The losses have scarred me. I am still haunted by events from early this year and last year. I am so angry at myself. This is my fault. Life for now is quite grim. I have often felt like a failure. That I wasn't good or didn't do enough to save certain relationships. That's what hurts the most. Rejection in the past has still haunted and hurt me as well. I know what's done is done but that's what is killing me. I wouldn't go back in time to change it though because I refuse to go through the pain of suicide again. I admit that there are still certain aspects of my depression that I block out because they are too painful to face. I'm scared. I'm scared of what tonight could bring. I just want a good night's sleep instead of staying awake in terror. Only time will tell.
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