Some hurts go so deep that even time cannot mend them. Not fully at least. They leave scars that can reopen in a moment's notice. A single thought can trigger them. I have deep emotional pain and resentment from childhood that still haunts me to this day. Before depression, it bothered me every now and then but now, it has become relentless and it invades my mind every day. Last night, I woke up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night and I burst into tears. The injustice of it infuriates me. It has been so unbelievably hard for me to let go. I feel rage. It occupies my every thought and it keeps me up at night. This offense has always made me feel inferior and less of a person. It makes me feel more like a beast and a slave. I feel as if I am branded and lower than my peers. This has haunted me for 13 years and I'm starting to believe that this is one of the primary sources for my shyness and relationship troubles. I am ashamed of it.
God has let this happen to me for a reason. I've suffered this pain and humiliation for a purpose. I do not know what for but I am convinced that He wants me to learn something through my resentment. I have forgiven many times for this one offense and I find myself still being forced to forgive. It goes against every fiber of my body to forgive. However, if I ever want to be free from this then I must forgive. It will definitely take time. If you know me personally then you may ask what this offense is by messaging or texting me. I cannot bear to tell you in person for it is too painful for me and I would collapse into tears. I will continue to pray for the strength to forgive. I have found myself lacking forgiveness as of late
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