Days Of Agony And Sorrow

       This is depression: you wake up and you're already in tears and wishing that the day was over. You have a constant ache in your heart and every thought is painful. Every thought feels like a burden. You miss the past, fear the future and hate the present. Your heart constantly races. Every attempt at a positive thought is put down by an immediate rush of many negative thoughts. The pain wears down your will and drains you physically and emotionally. If you don't keep your guard up, thoughts of death slowly seep into your mind. At first they are mere suggestions but if you indulge in them, they become desires and they invade your mind like a cancer. That is depression.
       My mind is in a fog from all the pain. The one thing that remains tangible and gives me hope is Jesus. I think about Him and He becomes the source for various pleasant thoughts. He's an oasis in a desert of pain and sorrow. When I think about the past and how much things have changed in a year, tears run down my cheeks. I am in pain and agony over friendships that are very precious to me. Because of me, the very foundations of those friendships nearly collapsed. I still maintain those friendships but they are not as they once were. They feel distant and strange. It makes me feel even more alone. There are many times when I feel like I am lost. When I go on walks, I don't even enjoy the view anymore. I look around and I see pain and hurt. I feel empty, like I've been hollowed out. I fear that I may have permanent emotional and psychological scars. The hurts are so deep that it permeates every part of my mind. Depression has definitely taken it's toll. My trials are still many and more are yet to come.
       Instead of being overwhelmed with my whole life, I'm training myself to take one day at a time. It's so easy to let our minds wander. I can't afford that because my mind leads me to dangerous places. There is still hope. I have Jesus and that's all that matters. When the pain makes me cry, I lock myself in the bathroom until the worst is over and then I pick up my bible and read. Now when I cry, this is no ordinary sadness. I cry from a place of intense pain and agony. My shoulders heave and I wail. I can't even get food or water down. I nearly pass out from being lightheaded once I am done. I feel totally empty and hollow once it is over