Suicide Can Happen To Anyone

      I was one of those people who thought, 'This will never happen to me. That only happens to the mentally ill'. I remember we had a seminar about depression and suicide in high school and I remember wondering about what could possibly happen someone's life that makes them want to commit suicide? I now know that there are definitely things in life that can cause people to feel that way. I have gone through it myself multiple times and I bear the scars on my body because of what I tried to do. I will never again make the mistake of assuming that I am immune to certain tragedies. I now know what I am capable of.
     After my first suicide attempt on January of last year, I felt so horrible and I was in so much pain that I thought I was going to have a psychotic break. Suicide is frightening because it's your own personal hell. You go through unimaginable pain but it's all in your head. It's all psychological. I thought it was so strange how the world was unaffected and continued to move on while I was in unimaginable agony. Suicide begins in the mind and like a cancer, it affects the body over time. It's depression a hundredfold. You lose your appetite and then you hurt yourself because you think that if you cause yourself physical pain then it will lessen the emotional pain you feel. I can tell you right now that it doesn't work. It made me start to hate myself.
      I consider myself a normal everyday person who has been changed by extraordinary events. I used to think suicide only happened to people who are severely depressed or mentally ill. I have gone through a year of therapy so far and it has shown me things I never knew or considered. I found out that I have deep, deep roots of depression that go back as far as 17 years ago! I have been depressed all along. It was just dormant because I suppress my feelings and emotions.
       Will I struggle with depression for the rest of my life? Maybe. It does not matter either way because I am learning how to manage and cope with it. I know that I still have many trials ahead. I won't complain about my circumstances or blame God because this life is so short compared to eternity and besides, as Christians, we all need to learn how to praise God not just in the good times but in the bad times too. Rejoice because trials are a gift from God and he's helping you grow stronger and to strengthen your relationship with him. If I do have depression for the rest of my life, then I am truly blessed and loved by Jesus because it means he hasn't forgotten about me!