I got 2 hours of sleep last night. Nights are the worst time for me. I am once again fighting suicidal thoughts and this definitely raises a red flag for me. Luckily I have a therapist appointment this week and at the end of the month I have a psychiatrist appointment so I'll be able to modify my meds. Another good thing is that I know the trigger. There are multiple things setting me off. Things I thought were resolved but they have not been resolved judging from how I've been feeling. It's a horrible hopeless, empty feeling. Like I'm just a shell of who I once was. I am brought to my knees every night from despair but I know that God has not forsaken me. All my coping mechanisms have been rendered useless so that my sole focus is on the Lord. I think this is a good thing because it teaches me to wait on Him and it teaches me more on patience.
My emergency pills will also help sustain me and to help bring those severe spikes down. It's a temporary solution. So far, the suicidal thoughts are very fleeting and they only come when I am wailing from pain. Even so, I still do not let them take hold of me. I may not be able to control automatic negative thoughts but I can stop them from taking hold of me.
I will definitely be discussing this with my therapist this week. As long as I keep up my guard, then there is still hope. I have been forcing myself to praise God in my breakdowns and it actually helps because I know that I only get stronger after each wave of pain. I still maintain my oath that I will not commit suicide. For now, I shall keep busy and do what I must to suppress the pain
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