I remember in high school praying to God for Him to use me because I felt so useless to His kingdom. Like I was just deadweight. Now, because of the immense suffering and pain, God has answered my prayer. He is using me and preparing me to be a godly man. I think it's amazing how God never forgets prayers spoken so long ago. He is truly good. I never could have foreseen how God would use me and work in me. I gain hope by knowing that the more I suffer, the more God is teaching and molding me. Since my first suicide attempt more than a year ago, I have grown spiritually a hundredfold and I don't regret my past suffering. I have learned more about God in these two years alone than all of the years of my life combined.
The days still drag on and I'm always wishing for the day to be over with. I can say with confidence that if I wasn't a christian, then I would have ended my life a long time ago. I used to be such a materialistic person. Now I can comfortably say that if the Lord were to call me home right now, I would have no problem leaving behind all my possessions. They're all temporary and we really should be setting our sights on what is eternal. Today I was thinking about what I would ask God when I get to heaven. (haha I know it's most likely way too early to think about that but it's fun to think about anyway) I would ask Him about what He did to influence me and what people He put in my life to help me. And also What people He put in my life that I have influenced. I think it's truly fascinating how God works. He can use anything in this world whether it be good or bad and use it to further His glory. I will endure these trials and meditate on what He wants me to learn
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