Trapped

    I have felt an unprecedented rise in my depression this week. I suspect this is because of resentment issues I've had for more than a decade. Normally, I'm a very forgiving person but I cannot let this issue go. It hurts deeply and it feels like a deep wound that keeps reopening. It wakes me up nearly every night and I often go into trance thinking about it for up to an hour. I've forgiven so many times but honestly.... each time I forgive, it becomes harder and harder for me to keep on forgiving. I often burst into tears because it hurts me so badly and it's something that will stay with me for the rest of my life. It's literally impossible to forget.
     Because of resentment, I am trapped. Trapped in a bitter, unforgiving prison. I won't stop trying to forgive but this is something that easily and quickly drains my energy and my emotional reserves. If it gets too much of a hold in my mind then I become enraged and hateful towards the perpetrators. It honestly makes me want to spit on them because I've never been so hurt or insulted in my life. The temporary solution that I must do is to suppress it so it doesn't drive me to become suicidal again. God is putting me through this trial for a reason and I must find a way to defeat this. This has definitely stalled my spiritual growth. That disturbs me deeply. There are other issues weighing me down as well but I'm just going to deal with them one at a time. I see moving forward like a series of stepping stones. All I have to do is look at the step ahead of me. But what if I do not know how to proceed? I didn't come this far to just give up. I will find a way