Things got bad last night. Really bad. Depression has been building all week but last night, all hell broke loose. I do not know what caused it. It felt as if everything that's been bothering in my depression hit me at once. It got so bad that I noticed some suicidal thoughts entering my mind. My whole face was swollen from crying and my shoulders were heaving. In the midst of all this, I was in disbelief. My thought was, 'I can't believe this is happening. It's like a nightmare'. I was in so much pain that I was screaming out loud for God to take me to heaven. I knew I had to take my emergency medicine the second a suicidal thought entered my mind. The problem was that I was crying so hard that I couldn't keep anything down. I tried drinking some water bought I coughed it all up. I took some deep, ragged breaths and eventually I started to calm down enough to take my pill.
Even during that unimaginable pain, I knew Jesus was right there beside me. It's hard to explain but I just knew and it felt as if he was right next to me. I have been so angry at myself lately. I've been unable to forgive, I've been paralyzed by fear and worry, and I've felt stuck. I've been trying to get a job for so long but I am scared to death of talking to people. It's not that I'm worried that I'll make a fool out of myself, it's that I have an extremely hard time of thinking what to say to people and carrying on a conversation. It's made me ashamed and angry at myself.
Today, I am quite shaken and weary from last night. After letting out all of my grief and pain, I now feel empty. I feel like a zombie. Once I fell asleep last night, I was plagued with nightmares and I awoke this morning with my heart racing. I often think of asking God how much longer this will last but it's as if He's already put His response in my mind. ' Don't worry about it. Even if it lasts your whole life you can still walk in victory because I have overcome the world. Do not mourn like the heathen who have no hope.'
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