Little Words With A Big Impact

     These past few weeks have tested my patience, endurance, and faith. It has been a time full of tears and agony. I have watched while people in my life whom I love have either been denied to me or taken away. I've always struggled with understanding why the Lord gives and takes away. I can't process it in my mind and make it logical for me. I refuse to blame or curse God so I remain silent in my confusion and shock. Last night was yet another night full of agony and tears. I had been texting one of my friends for half of the day and I was about to text her goodnight once I got hold of myself. I sent the text and what she sent back shocked me. 'God is saving someone special for you just try to remember that.' I immediately burst into tears when I read this. I never allowed myself to think that because I have been crushed and heartbroken so many times and if I allowed myself to think that and if it didn't come to pass, it would have destroyed me. It was like God was using her to remind me that He hasn't abandoned me and there is still hope. I must allow myself to think positively.
       Why do suicidal thoughts come so easily to me? Is it because I am weak? I have been feeling as if every negative thought I have is sinful and that it's my fault. I have been struggling to find something to hold onto, something I can hope for, and my friend I was texting last night gave it to me. I really can trust the Lord. My every endeavor to find happiness on my own has backfired and failed miserably. This must be God's way of telling me that He is all I need. Every time I have a suicidal thought, I recite scripture to myself. " I will never leave, nor forsake you.' It has worked every time to drive back the thoughts of death. Sometimes the pain becomes so much that I have shortness of breath and then my eyes fill with tears. That is when my mind desperately looks for an escape from the pain. My instinct is to hide myself from people. When there are no people around, my mind goes to it's default thoughts from last year. 'I want to die.' I fight back and reason with myself. 'No you don't. You have friends and family who love you.' I have a psych appointment today so I am going to get to the bottom of this and teach my mind to think of good and godly things instead of my own demise.