A Broken Heart: The Will To Submit

      I have come to a point where I am starting to let go of what I so desperately want and desire. I think it's what the Lord wants me to do. He wants me to make a sacrifice. I am in absolute pain and anguish. It's so hard to let go of things you desire. I've been unwilling to trust Jesus with my hopes of finding a mate. It's my heart's desire and I just set it all at His feet this morning. The burden is too much for me to bear and at this point, I just want Jesus to control my life because I've made a real mess of things. During church this morning, the sermon really spoke to me and I was literally shaking and choking back tears. I no longer care for my own desires. I just want Jesus to teach and transform me. I give up in trying to go my own way because I have failed at every turn.
    I realize that I have been extremely stubborn by holding onto these desires and it's been preventing me from putting God first in my life. It's a fight against the desires of my flesh and it's so very hard. I'm trusting the Lord that if it be His will to bring me a wife, then so be it. I don't want to hold onto that burden anymore because it hurts way too much. Yet, I currently am in so much pain that I want to scream. I feel as if I lost part of myself. I've held onto this for so long and I know that I'm still going to struggle with it so I must surrender the burden many times. I just feel so lonely and heartbroken. I feel like I'm sitting alone in the dark. What do I do now?      
       After my first suicide attempt, that is when I gave the majority of control of my life over to Jesus. I subconsciously held onto the most precious parts of my life and I didn't trust Him with it. I see now that little by little, God is teaching me how to let go. If through pain and heartbreak is the only way to get me to let go, then so be it. I don't like being stubborn. This agony and pain I feel is necessary but it feels nearly unbearable. I'm forcing myself and fighting against my flesh to submit to Jesus. My mind keeps telling me, 'Hold onto your desires! You won't get them if you give them up!' That is what makes this so painful and I find myself in tears. No servant can serve two masters. I'm choosing to trust Jesus. He knows what's best for me.