I have noticed that to this day, I still suppress painful things that I have experienced. This is a bad thing to do because my mental barriers have been breaking down ever since I started having depression. When the barriers break down, the painful experiences seep back into my mind. When I start to notice that, it really startles me because it's something I usually haven't thought of for a week or more. It completely overwhelms me and I sometimes get suicidal thoughts. I can't face these painful experiences because I don't have a solution for them.
I have done things in the past that shame me. Cutting is one of those things. I didn't cut just to cut. I wanted to hit an artery and bleed to death. I bear many scars on my arm to this day. They are easily visible in direct sunlight. Do I hate these scars? Not really. I don't see it as something to be ashamed of. I see it as something I've overcome and survived. In the past, depression was so severe that I wished I were dead daily. It was a miserable existence. Today, I still struggle with suicidal thoughts but I have the means of which to fight them. I challenge my thoughts with scripture. Sometimes, it's as if God just puts scripture in my mind. I sometimes remember verses that I never studied and yet, they comfort me.
Something else that brings me deep shame embarrassment, and sadness are my attempts at getting a mate. I failed every single time. I honestly don't know how to deal with this. I get extremely angry and upset when I think of this and I struggle with anger towards God. I feel as if He doesn't want me to get a girlfriend. This was like a complete slap in the face. I've given up in trying to get a girlfriend because I no longer believe that it is possible for me to be loved in that way. I block it out because I fear the pain it causes. I can't even talk about it without my voice getting shaky. I cry whenever I try to talk about it.
I feel as if I have lost direction. I'm scared of where God wants to lead me because I'm afraid that it will be a lonely road. I know that my anger at God isn't right. I pray for His forgiveness every day and then I burst into tears. I feel like nobody can help me in this battle because it's no longer just an emotional battle. It's spiritual as well. Jesus is the most valuable thing I have and I'm not giving Him up. My faith has definitely been under enormous strain as of late and that scares me to death because I've never been tested on this great of magnitude before. I feel stuck in place because I feel as if the devil is using this opportunity to attack my faith.
In our culture, it seems looked down upon if people look to the past. It's always, 'Look forward to the future and forget the past. Never look back.' I have found this to be extremely dangerous advice because if you ignore the past, how can you possibly be prepared for the future? The past has made us who we are today. If we don't learn from our own past, then we will most certainly repeat it. I know I have and I felt like a complete fool. An important way we grow is that we learn from our mistakes. There will be pain in the future. If there was no pain and adversity, how would you grow? You cannot grow as a person and you cannot grow in your faith without trials and adversity. It's one of the ways how God works. I know that if I hadn't been in depression, this world would have crushed me and swallowed me. In adversity, you have a choice. You can either learn from your pain or run away from it. If you run away, I promise you that it will catch up to you and hit you twice as hard. I've made that mistake with my resentment my entire life. It was so extremely painful for me to face that I either blocked it out or ran away from it. Nobody can outrun their problems forever. I feel as if God has stopped me from running and said, 'Hey, it's time for you to deal with this and overcome it. I am with you. God is so great. Even in my foolish anger and frustration, He never abandons me. That makes me ashamed of how I have acted. But it's how you learn. Life Goes on. With or without you. It's relentless and pitiless.You have to persevere.
The future is so clouded and uncertain. When I do try to look forward, I only see heartbreak and pain. I'm not looking forward to anything in general anymore. It feels so dark. Because I've given up hope in ever finding someone, I don't really look forward to many things anymore and it feels like I lost all hope and my goals. I feel paralyzed and scared. Something else that scares me is that everything that has befallen me is my doing. This is a battle that I do not know to fight or win. Another thing that has me worried is that I know my therapist will be of no help in this area. It's between me and God.
I think I'm running out of options. I need to find some way to cope with this and quickly. I'm still in shock that my faith is being attacked so suddenly and severely. Worst of all, that is of my own doing as well. The only thing I can think of is for fellow Christians to pray for me because I am completely overwhelmed. This isn't something I can block out or run away from. This is much more important than the other trials I face. Hopefully things will start looking up soon. I have doubts. Doubts as to if I'll ever be happy again. At least in this life. Everything I've tried to make myself happy has either not gone the way I thought it would or has failed. Maybe God's taking away all my options so that I can learn to depend on Him. But my parents keep telling me that I have to make my own way in the world. If that's true, then how is it possible to rely completely on God? Or are my parents wrong? I definitely have been stubborn and I've tried to make my own way. My way is clearly not the right way. Jesus is carrying me through this pain at this point because I don't have the strength to walk it alone.
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