Searching For Hope

       Depression has shaken met o the core. Is trusting God supposed to be this hard? This has been the most trying time for my faith in my entire life. This week I have been so close to completely losing my faith. Everything I have tried to find myself a mate has failed or backfired on me. I struggle with anger towards God because I felt that He has stopped me and that he wants me to be alone. I honestly don't think I can handle that. I'm actually fearful of God's plan for me because what if it doesn't include a wife? I have never felt more alone or more of a pathetic failure than I do now. I am trying to keep an open mind but it's hard. I constantly wrestle with anger. Anger at God and anger at myself. I know I shouldn't be angry with God. I am trying my best to see this rationally and clearly. I am always in severe emotional pain. I've actually resisted praying because I'm so angry and upset. I hate being alone. I feel like I could scream. I know I'm not ready for a relationship but I should be and that's why I'm angry at myself. I'm too frail and emotionally fragile.
      I feel that I want to cast my burdens to God because it feels unbearable. But I'm having some big trust issues. I have to go against every bone in my body and trust Him. Is this normal? Does trusting God come so easily to others? It feels like my faith is being put through fire and being stripped down to it's very core. I don't even know how to be patient. I honestly don't see a happy future for myself. I can't see it. What I so desperately desire has been denied to me at every turn. It's as if hope has been snuffed out. What is God's purpose for me? What if I don't like it?  I want to be content with what I have but when I think about what I really want out of life, I start boiling over with anger and severe despair. It's like I'm hanging on a cliff and there's no more handholds. Do I just wait here or do I let go? Clearly, I can't let go. I keep remembering how the bible says to rejoice in your pain. This is interesting because one's instinct is to whine and gripe about their circumstances. I can be comforted by knowing that God hasn't forgot about me because I'm in so much pain. When troubles befall you, that's when Gods work can be seen through you

Lost, Angry, And Directionless

     This past year and a half have been hell. I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty pissed off at God right now. I know I shouldn't be but that's how I feel. I seriously don't know a time where I've felt this hopeless and miserable. The pain is so bad that I feel paralyzed. I'm speechless and I have absolutely no interest in doing anything whatsoever. I don't care about eating, drinking, taking walks, or hobbies I used to be interested in. I'm so angry at God because He wants me to wait. I just really need to vent right now. I don't want to wait. I should've had a girlfriend two years ago. I'll be damned if I have to wait ten or fifteen years just to find, 'the right person.' I would rather die than be single. I've wanted this since I was twelve. I am well aware that a girl won't cure everything but I refuse to sit by and watch my friends get their own partners with a snap of their fingers. But, it's not like I have a choice so I'm giving in. I no longer believe there is anyone for me. It's time to accept that I came into this world alone and that's how it's going to be. I'm not going to bother to hope and say in my mind, 'Is she the one?' because it's not possible. That's false hope that will only end up hurting me. I can't be loved. I want, I need that intimacy. How the hell am I going to find the right person if I don't have a single iota of experience??? Depression has attacked my deepest and most desperate desires of my heart. I see nothing but darkness ahead. Every attempt I have made to find someone has ended up in colossal failure.
       I'll be honest, my faith is hanging by a thread. The pain is so bad that when I get up to walk, sometimes I'll just collapse to the floor on my hands and knees and start sobbing. I can't even pray because I'm so angry with God. I hurt so so bad and I don't know how much more I can take. I no longer believe that there's such a thing as 'living the good life'. That's a lie. I don't know what else to say. I'm lost. I guess all I can do is force myself to go on a walk just to help numb the pain




         I wrote the above post in the afternoon and I was in tears while writing it. My mind was so foggy and so much in pain that everything seemed hopeless. I am still severely depressed but I believe I know what to do now. I won't lie, my hope has been dampened. I had a long talk with my mom because she heard me crying while my door was shut and she was all the way downstairs. I have a problem. And this is a problem that only God can solve because I am no longer in control of my feelings and emotions. I have a terrible habit of thinking with every girl I meet, 'Could she be the one?' I am setting myself up for heartbreak and constant pain so I am going to focus on myself for once. I've always been looking for a mate ever since I was twelve. This is super super hard for me to say but I need to stop. I am making myself sick by concentrating on this. My mind is so sick that I believe if I stop looking, that I'll be pathetic and everyone will look at me with a poor, pitiful look. I just want to be healthy and okay again. This is such a huge burden. I have no choice but to trust God and give it to him. That doesn't mean that I'm not scared. I am scared to death. I feel like I'm forfeiting my chances of ever being happy again. I just have to pray that I can get through this. I was extremely angry with God because I felt that he was denying me the desires of my heart. I can be extremely impatient and stubborn. I had no right to be angry with Him. He had to of withheld it for good reason. I thought I was prepared for a relationship but it is shockingly clear that I am not ready. If God had allowed me to get into a relationship and it didn't work out, I would have ended my life. He most likely just saved my life. I still hurt so bad. I am just concentrating on getting my head together and getting back on my feet financially. I need all the prayers I can get.

Shattered Hope

    I'm pretty sure that at this point, I'm meant to be alone. Rejected again. I thought I could handle it but apparently I was wrong. Depression is far from over. In fact, it's worse now. I hurt so bad that I feel like I'm in disbelief and shock. It feels like a light was just put out in my heart. My hope of being with someone is dead. I see nothing positive in the future. Nothing but darkness and pain. I feel ashamed by just writing this. I feel so pathetic and unattractive. I'm so angry. I'm defeated at every single damn thing I do. I feel like I'm right back at where I began. It's almost as if hope was just an illusion. I'm at my wit's end.
      A few really seemingly good days and then I crash and burn.It feels like it's a huge joke. I don't think that I'm even gonna bother pursuing anyone anymore. It hurts too much. So much that I'm bawling my eyes out as I write this. I don't see a way out. I don't see how it's possible that any of my hopes and dreams will come true. It's all just been one huge fantasy. It's intangible. I'm completely overwhelmed with sadness, anger, and despair. I feel cheated. I think I'm just gonna go to sleep because I want the day to end. Actually I want the week to end. I no longer have anything to look forward to.

On The Verge

      I'm getting really worried and scared. I am struggling to hold back my depression. I cannot allow this to interfere with my interview tomorrow. It's scary because depression to me is like a negative voice in my head that is not my own. It was silent for a few days but tonight it was almost as if it screamed in my head: 'Alone!!! You will die alone and unloved!' I had to suppress my first suicidal thought in days. I can't have this happen. Not yet. Not now. I'm praying so hard that I can stave off depression at least until after my interview. I was just starting to regain my strength and confidence. I realize now how fragile this balance is. All it will take is for one thing to go wrong and then that will give my depression a lot of power.
      My heart is racing and I have shallow breaths. I will take my emergency medication if I have to. When depression sets in, it becomes much like a domino effect. It's almost as if everything else in the world around me gets silenced and cancelled out. Then it's just me, my suicidal thoughts, and my worst fears. I will not allow them to come to pass. Things have been much like a roller coaster these past few weeks. I get happy temporarily and then I crash. Happy, and then an even steeper crash. One thing is for certain: My depression will come back and very soon. It's on my doorstep. I'm not going to let this take away what few hopes I have managed to kindle this week. These hopes are extremely precious to me and I will not give them up without a fight. I will be praying extremely hard tonight.

Getting Organized

      Depression hasn't been that strong for a couple days now. I'm under no illusions, however. It's not over and depression will be back. For now, I am looking forward to the next few weeks. Jobs are finally looking more promising and I am getting closer and closer to a relationship. I still reflect and pray for God's counsel every day to make sure I am ready for a relationship. I am determined not to emotionally invest so deeply that I become dependent on her. I am fully aware that a girl will not fulfill all my emotional needs but I would like the experience. I'm also making sure that I don't lose sight of what's important in life. I'm making sure that Jesus is my first priority and I am happy to hear that the girl I'm interested in also seeks to have Jesus as number one in her life as well.
      There will be bad days but honestly, I am so experienced with bad days that I know what to do now. Every day,  I am now actively tackling the tough parts of my depression. I'm going on an all out offensive. I'm doing my best to resolve my resentment, feelings of loneliness, and suicidal thoughts. Lately, whenever something starts to get me down, scripture pops into my head and that lifts me back up. Ha I know what scripture memorization is for now. It provides a defense and assurance in every painful and sticky situation. God is so great! 

Reflections And Decisions

      It is time for me to go to work on healing past hurts. This won't be easy but with God, anything is possible. I trust in Him. My resentment is one of my biggest past hurts. Unfortunately, my therapist says that it left me with some permanent emotional damage but that doesn't mean I can't overcome it. If it's God's will, then He can heal me of this enormous hurt. God has slowly revealed things to me and has shown me passages of comfort. He does this slowly because He really wants me to understand and come to terms with what happened. He offers me hope and that is of great comfort to me. Things in the past that have hurt me so bad have already happened obviously and I can't change them. This battle is far from over. I will still have suicidal thoughts but I am committed to seeing this through.
      A big opportunity has come to me very recently. Big to me, at least. My close friend whom used to be my co-worker is in a relationship but she has told me that this is his last chance because she's been hurt so many times by him. She went into the relationship very reluctantly and it's very unstable. If and when he breaks her heart, I will be there to comfort her. We are extremely close friends and we know each other's deepest and most darkest secrets. I have grown quite interested in her as of late and when the time comes, I'm going to see if a relationship will happen. I will wait patiently and I'm going to reflect and pray a lot. I do not want to repeat my mistakes from the past. I do believe I have learned from them. The big question is, am I ready for a relationship? I need the Lord's counsel on this. The foundation of my adult life is finally coming together. I am more confident and I have applied for many jobs. I will not go any further without consulting the Lord.

Loss

      Throughout my depression, I feel like I've lost much of myself. My happiness is gone and suicidal thoughts are at my doorstep. I won't let them in. It makes me wonder how much a man can handle before he cracks. The funny thing is that most of it's psychological but this easily manifests as physical symptoms as well. I have once again lost my appetite, my heart rate and blood pressure are up, I don't sleep much anymore, I cry a lot, I have shakes and cold sweats, and my motor skills seem to have slowed down a lot. I have spent much of today in a zone.I feel so sad and broken. I feel like much of the good things in life and things/people that I enjoyed have left me.
     Yesterday was awful and scary. I was constantly fighting suicidal thoughts and holding back tears. Then around 6, it all broke out. It has been  a while since I cried that hard and I had a scary impulse to hurt myself. I just wanted the pain to stop. I knew I had to do something so I locked myself in the bathroom until I was able to calm down enough to take my emergency pill. One of my best friends suggested that I read the bible and make a list of things that I am better off without since I have been in so much pain and agony over a broken relationship. I felt quite foolish because I completely forgot about the bible when I was in the midst of my pain. I must ingrain scripture in my mind for comfort and defense. I am making this my homework because it is vital for my spiritual health and my life.

Unexpected

         I didn't expect depression to hit this hard and this soon. I'm in so much pain. I've never really had a positive outlook on life. It's cruel, merciless and full of sin. Life almost feels like a punishment. The negative thoughts wear me down until I'm exhausted and that's when the real battle starts. Suicidal thoughts become attractive, like an escape. I constantly have to remind myself that even though I don't like life very much right now, I must stay here until my time is up. It won't last forever and the purpose of remaining here is to make as many disciples of Christ as possible. Jesus never promised us an easy life. In fact, He said that those who follow Him will be hated by the world. But we should not distress because the world hated Him before it hated us.
     I see this life as nothing but a waiting room for heaven. So far, there has not been much joy for me. But it's not about me. It's about Jesus. And I really need His help. I have been so angry, hurt and bitter lately. People can be infuriating and so can undesired situations. This really tires me out and my mind immediately leans toward suicide. I have already begun training my mind on using a different escape. I'm just going to quote scripture in my head. Sometimes I am in so much pain that I can't even complete a thought. I lock myself in a room and wait for it to pass. I have a feeling that I'll be doing a lot of that soon.

Aftershock: The Struggle Starts

      My psych session yesterday hit me harder than I thought. I woke up at 2 in the morning with a racing heart and didn't get to sleep until 5. I feel this overwhelming sadness. I still have a broken heart. Nobody said this would be easy. There's still a long road ahead of me. Suicidal thoughts have already started to whisper suggestions to me. The battle starts today. There is no break period. I still see many days and nights filled with tears and fears. Giving in is not an option. I'm already exhausted from fighting suicidal thoughts and they continue to seep into my mind. Luckily, I have Jesus with me so He can give me rest.
       I have a heavy heart today. I feel alone. Yet, I am not alone. My friends, Therapist, Family, and Jesus are all there for me. I get hollowed out so easily and I fill up with pain. Tears well up in my eyes. Depression feels like a huge monster that I can't control. I am so weary. My heart aches for a wife. I feel beaten down and angered by resentment. This is something I will have to cope with for the rest of my life. I definitely won't come out of depression without some emotional scars. But even those are temporary. He will wipe away every tear

The Breakthrough: Resisting Suicidal Thoughts

      Today was nothing short of amazing. I have reached a breakthrough in my psych therapy. I have learned why my suicidal thoughts come up as often as they do and I have the knowledge on how to resist them. My therapist told me that since I have been suicidal so many times, it became my mind's default mode to escape whenever a large amount of pain afflicts me. I have to train my mind to fight these thoughts and reason with them. In addition to arguing to myself, I personally have added preaching scripture to myself as well. Where there is Jesus, there is always hope. These suicidal thoughts will eventually go away but since I've been this way on and off for more than a year now, it's definitely going to take a long time. A tough road is ahead but I have the will and the strength to trod it.
      Unfortunately, I have learned that I have some permanent emotional damage. I was crushed when I heard this and I was also angry. It goes back all the way to my very early childhood and this has to do with my resentment. The good thing is that I can learn to cope with it and lessen the pain by learning some new coping techniques which my therapist will teach me in a few weeks. I am not out of the woods yet but at least I have direction and a way out. I just have to go for it!

Little Words With A Big Impact

     These past few weeks have tested my patience, endurance, and faith. It has been a time full of tears and agony. I have watched while people in my life whom I love have either been denied to me or taken away. I've always struggled with understanding why the Lord gives and takes away. I can't process it in my mind and make it logical for me. I refuse to blame or curse God so I remain silent in my confusion and shock. Last night was yet another night full of agony and tears. I had been texting one of my friends for half of the day and I was about to text her goodnight once I got hold of myself. I sent the text and what she sent back shocked me. 'God is saving someone special for you just try to remember that.' I immediately burst into tears when I read this. I never allowed myself to think that because I have been crushed and heartbroken so many times and if I allowed myself to think that and if it didn't come to pass, it would have destroyed me. It was like God was using her to remind me that He hasn't abandoned me and there is still hope. I must allow myself to think positively.
       Why do suicidal thoughts come so easily to me? Is it because I am weak? I have been feeling as if every negative thought I have is sinful and that it's my fault. I have been struggling to find something to hold onto, something I can hope for, and my friend I was texting last night gave it to me. I really can trust the Lord. My every endeavor to find happiness on my own has backfired and failed miserably. This must be God's way of telling me that He is all I need. Every time I have a suicidal thought, I recite scripture to myself. " I will never leave, nor forsake you.' It has worked every time to drive back the thoughts of death. Sometimes the pain becomes so much that I have shortness of breath and then my eyes fill with tears. That is when my mind desperately looks for an escape from the pain. My instinct is to hide myself from people. When there are no people around, my mind goes to it's default thoughts from last year. 'I want to die.' I fight back and reason with myself. 'No you don't. You have friends and family who love you.' I have a psych appointment today so I am going to get to the bottom of this and teach my mind to think of good and godly things instead of my own demise.

Night

      Today, I have seen what few hopes and aspirations I had disintegrate into nothing. This has only served to further break my heart and the world now seems even darker. I had my eye on a few girls whom I was interested in only to learn that they're all in relationships. My heart felt like it stopped beating for a moment. The only thing I could think of was, 'I knew this would happen.' My instinct is to withdraw from the world and keep to myself. Much like how I have the habit of keeping my feelings a secret and suppressing them. I feel thwarted in everything I try and do. Once I learned of these relationships these girls are in, I immediately said to myself, 'There is no happiness to be found here. I'm not good enough. Nobody wants me.' It's such a shock and so painful that I'm considering blocking it out. I don't know how else to cope with the pain.
        I have once again been let down. It feels like history is repeating itself and this really is my own personal hell. I don't know what else to say. I'm speechless. The journey through the dark just got much harder. It's as if the faint light went out and now I'm in utter darkness

Days Of Agony And Sorrow

       This is depression: you wake up and you're already in tears and wishing that the day was over. You have a constant ache in your heart and every thought is painful. Every thought feels like a burden. You miss the past, fear the future and hate the present. Your heart constantly races. Every attempt at a positive thought is put down by an immediate rush of many negative thoughts. The pain wears down your will and drains you physically and emotionally. If you don't keep your guard up, thoughts of death slowly seep into your mind. At first they are mere suggestions but if you indulge in them, they become desires and they invade your mind like a cancer. That is depression.
       My mind is in a fog from all the pain. The one thing that remains tangible and gives me hope is Jesus. I think about Him and He becomes the source for various pleasant thoughts. He's an oasis in a desert of pain and sorrow. When I think about the past and how much things have changed in a year, tears run down my cheeks. I am in pain and agony over friendships that are very precious to me. Because of me, the very foundations of those friendships nearly collapsed. I still maintain those friendships but they are not as they once were. They feel distant and strange. It makes me feel even more alone. There are many times when I feel like I am lost. When I go on walks, I don't even enjoy the view anymore. I look around and I see pain and hurt. I feel empty, like I've been hollowed out. I fear that I may have permanent emotional and psychological scars. The hurts are so deep that it permeates every part of my mind. Depression has definitely taken it's toll. My trials are still many and more are yet to come.
       Instead of being overwhelmed with my whole life, I'm training myself to take one day at a time. It's so easy to let our minds wander. I can't afford that because my mind leads me to dangerous places. There is still hope. I have Jesus and that's all that matters. When the pain makes me cry, I lock myself in the bathroom until the worst is over and then I pick up my bible and read. Now when I cry, this is no ordinary sadness. I cry from a place of intense pain and agony. My shoulders heave and I wail. I can't even get food or water down. I nearly pass out from being lightheaded once I am done. I feel totally empty and hollow once it is over

Growth And Strength Through Suffering.

       I remember in high school praying to God for Him to use me because I felt so useless to His kingdom. Like I was just deadweight. Now, because of the immense suffering and pain, God has answered my prayer. He is using me and preparing me to be a godly man. I think it's amazing how God never forgets prayers spoken so long ago. He is truly good. I never could have foreseen how God would use me and work in me. I gain hope by knowing that the more I suffer, the more God is teaching and molding me. Since my first suicide attempt more than a year ago,  I have grown spiritually a hundredfold and I don't regret my past suffering. I have learned more about God in these two years alone than all of the years of my life combined.
     The days still drag on and I'm always wishing for the day to be over with. I can say with confidence that if I wasn't a christian, then I would have ended my life a long time ago. I used to be such  a materialistic person. Now I can comfortably say that if the Lord were to call me home right now, I would have no problem leaving behind all my possessions. They're all temporary and we really should be setting our sights on what is eternal. Today I was thinking about what I would ask God when I get to heaven. (haha I know it's most likely way too early to think about that but it's fun to think about anyway) I would ask Him about what He did to influence me and what people He put in my life to help me. And also What people He put in my life that I have influenced. I think it's truly fascinating how God works. He can use anything in this world whether it be good or bad and use it to further His glory. I will endure these trials and meditate on what He wants me to learn  

Holding On

      Depression has brought down my mood to the point where reality feels dark to me. I am quite familiar with this state of mind and it brings me no pleasure to feel this pain once again. It feels like I have a giant weight upon my head and the feeling of being alone has been intensified tenfold.I hate this feeling and I'm constantly on the verge of tears. I have a broken heart. I thought I was on the mend but this is yet another shock wave. I almost wish I were back in high school when things were so much simpler and I had a routine. I miss all of my friends and I feel so lonely. Depression and suicide has changed my life and has shaken my world. I'm not even going to discuss suicide right now because I'm doing everything possible to avoid it. There are other solutions.
      I feel like all I can do right now is curl up into a ball and absorb all the blows depression has to throw at me. I trust that God is in control. Even more so when we are faced with adversity. I pray and two words come back to my mind: Hold On.  That's what I intend to do. Just shut my eyes tight and hold on to the Lord with all my might. The pain is very great. The losses have scarred me. I am still haunted by events from early this year and last year. I am so angry at myself. This is my fault. Life for now is quite grim. I have often felt like a failure. That I wasn't good or didn't do enough to save certain relationships. That's what hurts the most. Rejection in the past has still haunted and hurt me as well. I know what's done is done but that's what is killing me. I wouldn't go back in time to change it though because I refuse to go through the pain of suicide again. I admit that there are still certain aspects of my depression that I block out because they are too painful to face. I'm scared. I'm scared of what tonight could bring. I just want a good night's sleep instead of staying awake in terror. Only time will tell.

A Night Of Tears

      I got 2 hours of sleep last night. Nights are the worst time for me. I am once again fighting suicidal thoughts and this definitely raises a red flag for me. Luckily I have a therapist appointment this week and at the end of the month I have a psychiatrist appointment so I'll be able to modify my meds. Another good thing is that I know the trigger. There are multiple things setting me off. Things I thought were resolved but they have not been resolved judging from how I've been feeling.  It's a horrible hopeless, empty feeling. Like I'm just a shell of who I once was. I am brought to my knees every night from despair but I know that God has not forsaken me. All my coping mechanisms have been rendered useless so that my sole focus is on the Lord. I think this is a good thing because it teaches me to wait on Him and it teaches me more on patience.
     My emergency pills will also help sustain me and to help bring those severe spikes down. It's a temporary solution. So far, the suicidal thoughts are very fleeting and they only come when I am wailing from pain. Even so, I still do not let them take hold of me. I may not be able to control automatic negative thoughts but I can stop them from taking hold of me.
     I will definitely be discussing this with my therapist this week. As long as I keep up my guard, then there is still hope. I have been forcing myself to praise God in my breakdowns and it actually helps because I know that I only get stronger after each wave of pain. I still maintain my oath that I will not commit suicide. For now, I shall keep busy and do what I must to suppress the pain

Helpless: Depression Returns In Full Force

      The event surrounding my resentment and various parts from my depression replay in my head daily. I have extreme anger and sadness that I am unable to tame. I hate reliving all of this and I feel helpless. It wakes me up even when I try to escape by sleeping. My heart races and my breathing gets heavier. My anger grows daily and it feels as if it could burst from my chest. Resentment isn't the only source of my anger. I'm angry at myself for being this way, angry at how I've handled situations in the past, and I'm angry how things are now. I know I can't change it but I can't help but think that some of it is my fault. Mankind does bring depression upon itself and I am no exception.
      Patience. One of my weaknesses. Sometimes I worry that if and when the dust settles from my depression, what will be left of me? I feel that my personality, my character, is being attacked on all sides from despair, resentment, and anger. In this life, adversity is a guarantee. We choose whether we learn and grow stronger or fail and diminish from these trials. Maybe I'm not viewing this right. Maybe parts of my character have to be destroyed or modified so Jesus can mold me into a more godly person. I will submit to this, no matter how painful it may be. It will be even more painful if I struggle and fight against His will. He has made plans to prosper me and not to harm me. I have to trust that even amidst all this pain and fog of uncertainty. My desire for a woman I can call my own has not diminished but I will not fight against God on this. I'm just going to stop seeking. Maybe she's closer than I think. She could be my best friend for all I know. This doesn't stop the hurt when I see couples. It reminds me of how lonely I am. I constantly fight negative thoughts daily. If I listen to them, they'll tell me to either go my own way or to give up. They branch off onto so many different tangents that I can't keep track of all them. Sometimes they blur into one big overwhelming negative thought process. That leads to a very dangerous road if I let my guard down even for a few seconds.
      For now, I feel like I've lost parts of my life that were important to me. Some of them are people, broken relationships, parts of my personality. Depression has returned in full force. Confidence has left my voice. It's just a bunch of hollow, guttural sequence of sounds and words. It hurts to think and my motor skills have slowed. I am too exhausted to fight for now so I will go on the defensive. I will block out what I can and immerse myself in scripture. Strength and hope stems from there.

A Broken Heart: The Will To Submit

      I have come to a point where I am starting to let go of what I so desperately want and desire. I think it's what the Lord wants me to do. He wants me to make a sacrifice. I am in absolute pain and anguish. It's so hard to let go of things you desire. I've been unwilling to trust Jesus with my hopes of finding a mate. It's my heart's desire and I just set it all at His feet this morning. The burden is too much for me to bear and at this point, I just want Jesus to control my life because I've made a real mess of things. During church this morning, the sermon really spoke to me and I was literally shaking and choking back tears. I no longer care for my own desires. I just want Jesus to teach and transform me. I give up in trying to go my own way because I have failed at every turn.
    I realize that I have been extremely stubborn by holding onto these desires and it's been preventing me from putting God first in my life. It's a fight against the desires of my flesh and it's so very hard. I'm trusting the Lord that if it be His will to bring me a wife, then so be it. I don't want to hold onto that burden anymore because it hurts way too much. Yet, I currently am in so much pain that I want to scream. I feel as if I lost part of myself. I've held onto this for so long and I know that I'm still going to struggle with it so I must surrender the burden many times. I just feel so lonely and heartbroken. I feel like I'm sitting alone in the dark. What do I do now?      
       After my first suicide attempt, that is when I gave the majority of control of my life over to Jesus. I subconsciously held onto the most precious parts of my life and I didn't trust Him with it. I see now that little by little, God is teaching me how to let go. If through pain and heartbreak is the only way to get me to let go, then so be it. I don't like being stubborn. This agony and pain I feel is necessary but it feels nearly unbearable. I'm forcing myself and fighting against my flesh to submit to Jesus. My mind keeps telling me, 'Hold onto your desires! You won't get them if you give them up!' That is what makes this so painful and I find myself in tears. No servant can serve two masters. I'm choosing to trust Jesus. He knows what's best for me.

Relentless Pain

       Things got bad last night. Really bad. Depression has been building all week but last night, all hell broke loose. I do not know what caused it. It felt as if everything that's been bothering in my depression hit me at once. It got so bad that I noticed some suicidal thoughts entering my mind. My whole face was swollen from crying and my shoulders were heaving. In the midst of all this, I was in disbelief. My thought was, 'I can't believe this is happening. It's like a nightmare'. I was in so much pain that I was screaming out loud for God to take me to heaven. I knew I had to take my emergency medicine the second a suicidal thought entered my mind. The problem was that I was crying so hard that I couldn't keep anything down. I tried drinking some water bought I coughed it all up. I took some deep, ragged breaths and eventually I started to calm down enough to take my pill.
    Even during that unimaginable pain, I knew Jesus was right there beside me. It's hard to explain but I just knew and it felt as if he was right next to me. I have been so angry at myself lately. I've been unable to forgive, I've been paralyzed by fear and worry, and I've felt stuck. I've been trying to get a job for so long but I am scared to death of talking to people. It's not that I'm worried that I'll make a fool out of myself, it's that I have an extremely hard time of thinking what to say to people and carrying on a conversation. It's made me ashamed and angry at myself.
     Today, I am quite shaken and weary from last night. After letting out all of my grief and pain, I now feel empty. I feel like a zombie. Once I fell asleep last night, I was plagued with nightmares and I awoke this morning with my heart racing. I often think of asking God how much longer this will last but it's as if He's already put His response in my mind. ' Don't worry about it. Even if it lasts your whole life you can still walk in victory because I have overcome the world. Do not mourn like the heathen who have no hope.'

Trust And Letting Go

     I have grown quite weary and exhausted as of late. Loneliness gnaws at me daily. I know I must give all my burdens to the Lord but I am so scared. I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life and quite honestly, I'm having trouble trusting the Lord with this particular burden. I know it's prideful and stubbornness on my part but I can't help but worry that what if God's plan for me doesn't include a wife? This though makes me quake in my boots. I was listening to a sermon on the radio today about trusting the Lord with your burdens and I just burst into tears and started shaking like crazy I'm so angry at myself because I'm having so much trouble trusting Him with every aspect of my life. I shouldn't be this way and I am ashamed. It just hurts a lot. My instinct is to suppress and bury all my worries and troubles into my subconscious but that won't solve anything.
     I feel so heavy. I'm doing my best to keep my head up but it's so hard when you feel so alone. It's just me and my thoughts. I will continue to endure as long as I breathe but I am starting to get to the end of my rope. I have started to feel weak-willed. Fighting automatic negative thoughts every day is so exhausting. I pray three simple words now. 'I need help'. Sometimes I don't even know what else to pray because I'm so ashamed of withholding some of my burdens from God. I don't know how to let go of them. I've had a death grip on them for years and fear has been growing inside of me.  I just have to keep on praying because nobody else has the power to help me. This is beyond my control.

Suicide Can Happen To Anyone

      I was one of those people who thought, 'This will never happen to me. That only happens to the mentally ill'. I remember we had a seminar about depression and suicide in high school and I remember wondering about what could possibly happen someone's life that makes them want to commit suicide? I now know that there are definitely things in life that can cause people to feel that way. I have gone through it myself multiple times and I bear the scars on my body because of what I tried to do. I will never again make the mistake of assuming that I am immune to certain tragedies. I now know what I am capable of.
     After my first suicide attempt on January of last year, I felt so horrible and I was in so much pain that I thought I was going to have a psychotic break. Suicide is frightening because it's your own personal hell. You go through unimaginable pain but it's all in your head. It's all psychological. I thought it was so strange how the world was unaffected and continued to move on while I was in unimaginable agony. Suicide begins in the mind and like a cancer, it affects the body over time. It's depression a hundredfold. You lose your appetite and then you hurt yourself because you think that if you cause yourself physical pain then it will lessen the emotional pain you feel. I can tell you right now that it doesn't work. It made me start to hate myself.
      I consider myself a normal everyday person who has been changed by extraordinary events. I used to think suicide only happened to people who are severely depressed or mentally ill. I have gone through a year of therapy so far and it has shown me things I never knew or considered. I found out that I have deep, deep roots of depression that go back as far as 17 years ago! I have been depressed all along. It was just dormant because I suppress my feelings and emotions.
       Will I struggle with depression for the rest of my life? Maybe. It does not matter either way because I am learning how to manage and cope with it. I know that I still have many trials ahead. I won't complain about my circumstances or blame God because this life is so short compared to eternity and besides, as Christians, we all need to learn how to praise God not just in the good times but in the bad times too. Rejoice because trials are a gift from God and he's helping you grow stronger and to strengthen your relationship with him. If I do have depression for the rest of my life, then I am truly blessed and loved by Jesus because it means he hasn't forgotten about me!

Trapped

    I have felt an unprecedented rise in my depression this week. I suspect this is because of resentment issues I've had for more than a decade. Normally, I'm a very forgiving person but I cannot let this issue go. It hurts deeply and it feels like a deep wound that keeps reopening. It wakes me up nearly every night and I often go into trance thinking about it for up to an hour. I've forgiven so many times but honestly.... each time I forgive, it becomes harder and harder for me to keep on forgiving. I often burst into tears because it hurts me so badly and it's something that will stay with me for the rest of my life. It's literally impossible to forget.
     Because of resentment, I am trapped. Trapped in a bitter, unforgiving prison. I won't stop trying to forgive but this is something that easily and quickly drains my energy and my emotional reserves. If it gets too much of a hold in my mind then I become enraged and hateful towards the perpetrators. It honestly makes me want to spit on them because I've never been so hurt or insulted in my life. The temporary solution that I must do is to suppress it so it doesn't drive me to become suicidal again. God is putting me through this trial for a reason and I must find a way to defeat this. This has definitely stalled my spiritual growth. That disturbs me deeply. There are other issues weighing me down as well but I'm just going to deal with them one at a time. I see moving forward like a series of stepping stones. All I have to do is look at the step ahead of me. But what if I do not know how to proceed? I didn't come this far to just give up. I will find a way 

Lessons To Be Gained From Pain

       Some hurts go so deep that even time cannot mend them. Not fully at least. They leave scars that can reopen in a moment's notice. A single thought can trigger them. I have deep emotional pain and resentment from childhood that still haunts me to this day. Before depression, it bothered me every now and then but now, it has become relentless and it invades my mind every day. Last night, I woke up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night and I burst into tears. The injustice of it infuriates me. It has been so unbelievably hard for me to let go. I feel rage. It occupies my every thought and it keeps me up at night. This offense has always made me feel inferior and less of a person. It makes me feel more like a beast and a slave. I feel as if I am branded and lower than my peers. This has haunted me for 13 years and I'm starting to believe that this is one of the primary sources for my shyness and relationship troubles. I am ashamed of it.
     God has let this happen to me for a reason. I've suffered this pain and humiliation for a purpose. I do not know what for but I am convinced that He wants me to learn something through my resentment. I have forgiven many times for this one offense and I find myself still being forced to forgive. It goes against every fiber of my body to forgive. However, if I ever want to be free from this then I must forgive. It will definitely take time. If you know me personally then you may ask what this offense is by messaging or texting me. I cannot bear to tell you in person for it is too painful for me and I would collapse into tears. I will continue to pray for the strength to forgive. I have found myself lacking forgiveness as of late

Jesus: The Reason For Hope

Today is truly a great day. I feel not a single trace of depression today and I am filled with joy that my savior lives. This life may be cruel and hard but Jesus gives me and countless others true hope. His grace truly humbles me and it inspires me to become more and more like Him every day. Today is a day when we should rejoice because Jesus has already won the war over sin and death. All we wait for now is His glorious return! I always feel alone on holidays but Easter is a day where I am reminded that I am not alone and that Jesus is with me always. Through the joy and through the pain, I will praise him even when the last breath leaves my body. I will not commit suicide because Jesus is proof that hope is alive. Hope conquers despair. I know that I will not feel like this forever and I will do his will until he calls me home.

Sorrow Returns

      Last night was a sleepless night. I constantly feel on the verge of tears. I still feel so lonely and extremely unhappy. Why is this? I feel like I'm back in a rut and I'm wondering if I'll ever overcome this. I still feel sad even when good things happen to me. I guess I just feel emotionally exhausted and scarred. I still boil over with anger and tears because of resentment. That quickly drains my emotional reserves. I feel vulnerable in a way I haven't felt for a long time. At least since February. I have no energy and yet I know I must keep moving. I've once again lost interest in things that used to entertain me. My guess is that this is another wave of severe depression because it feels like it did before. Dark, hopeless, and full of pain. I also think it's because Easter's coming up. I still get really depressed whenever a holiday comes by. I guess it's because I want to have someone over with me.
     Life is definitely not good right now. Is this what life is? Am I to struggle with extreme sadness for the rest of my life? I just want to be happy and content but those two things are the most illusive for me. It's such a heavy burden on my mind. I can feel the tension. It's as if my skull is pushing against my brain. The only options I can think of for now is to keep busy and be near people. I feel like I constantly have to hide what I feel because some of my family gets frustrated when I feel this way. This is also another reason why I stuff my feelings deep down. It's so I won't bring unwanted attention to myself. I only tell a few select friends how I truly feel. This helps me to vent and in turn I tell them that they can tell me anything they feel as well so they won't feel so burdened. It's a good system and it really helps. The bible also helps. I know Easter should be a happy time but I can't help but feel extremely lonely and sad. Once you get trapped in this pit then it's difficult to get out. But I will still keep moving forward. Whether it be in the good times or bad and I will seek help where and when it is needed. I just gotta keep praising God through the good times and the bad times.

The Descent: What Leads To Suicide?

      So what exactly leads to suicide? The short answer is clinical depression but the truth is, if you have one devastating event after another happening to you, this greatly increases the chance of suicide. It's what happened to me. It still hurts to think about it because all the issues I face are not yet resolved. I can trace the reasons I attempted suicide all the way back to my very first memory when I was three. ( I will not share this on here for it being too personal but if you are a friend of mine then you may ask me by messaging me). Ever since I hit preschool I have always felt lonely and I am still socially introverted. I don't talk to strangers unless they initiate the conversation first. It's very difficult for me to look at anyone in the eye because I feel... exposed and ugly. I've never seen myself as an attractive person and I try not to call attention to it. I've had low self-esteem and self confidence for about half of my life. That started when I was in sixth grade. I was failing every class and I couldn't concentrate. I lost many of my friends and I was grounded for the year for having bad grades. We also found out that I had ADD and that made me feel so stupid and pathetic that it served as the last straw. I became suicidal and lost all interest in school and education.
        Eventually, I got better and my grades got better but I still retain hatred and severe anxiety towards school and education to this day. This was one of many burdens that I carried with me for years. Around eighth grade is when I started to have an intense desire for a girlfriend but I was always too afraid to ask a girl out. That made me feel even more pathetic and ugly. It was a cycle. High school is when my school really started pressuring me about college. This completely turned me off and my hatred for education and school grew. I hate learning. Especially knowledge that I won't need. It's just trash and a waste of money. I am honestly so stubborn that even if I have to work a full-time job for the rest of my life, I would prefer that than going through hell again. School also scares me because it forces me to interact with people and to talk in front of classes. It just brings back painful memories.
    Senior year is when things started to fall down around me. I realized that once I graduated, I would most likely lose contact with all my friends and then I would be alone again. I had panic attacks daily and I burst into tears when I didn't want to.
     Life grew quite grim for me after high school. I felt so alone. With that pressure adding to the situation with the girl I went to prom with, the intense need for a mate and working a full time job, I completely lost it. I felt that happiness was gone from my life forever so I attempted suicide. I seriously cannot describe how hopeless I felt. The closest thing I could compare it to is that it was as if the sun went out and the world grew cold. I found no rest and no escape from my state of mind so I thought suicide was the only way out. The emotional pain was so intense that tears were streaming down my face and I was literally screaming in agony. I went through that five times. It got to the point where whenever something painful and bad happened to me, I would immediately say to myself, 'I want to die'. Jesus is the only person who keeps me sane. I still block out suicidal thoughts. I don't let them gain a foothold in my mind. Today is one of those days where depression makes me feel like a zombie. I'm a little disillusioned to tell the truth. Being in a relationship is within my grasp but.... I still feel empty and hollow. Sometimes I wonder if I'll feel this way until the Lord calls me home. I just feel so damaged and worn down. I'm so used to depression now that I'm actually numbed. My question is, what do I do now? Is it possible to even feel whole again?

Trials Require Patience

        My mood has been so much like a roller coaster as of late. Even when I'm happy, I know that depression will return; that it's waiting just beneath the surface. Being alone and single hurts but the thing is, you have to know when to restrain yourself. When you're depressed, that takes a ton of willpower. Recently, I have been getting close to an old co-worker of mine. I used to work with her at Goodwill. We just clicked immediately when we met. She's like a perfect reflection of myself. We know each others deepest and darkest secrets, worries and fears. We are currently almost at the point where we're in a relationship. She's depressed and so am I. For the good of both of us, we have decided to hold off on a relationship until we both are better. I have helped her reach the Lord and that has definitely helped her and it has lifted my spirits as well. I praise God for blessing me with such a close and wonderful friend. We are completely honest with each other. My old wound from my last attempt at a relationship is finally starting to heal. I am still very careful and I maintain all the self-discipline I can muster so that I don't make the mistake of emotionally investing too much in someone.
          I don't love my friend (my old co-worker) romantically and this actually concerned me. I went to ask for advice from another close friend of mine since I don't have any experience. She told me that in a relationship, love develops over time. This put my mind at ease. I am still frustrated because I know that I am not yet ready for a relationship but I want to be in one so bad. I have to restrain myself because if I'm not careful, I could easily be driven into despair if I go into a relationship the way I am now. If we were in a relationship now then all we'd be doing is feeding each others depression and that is no way to start a relationship. So I must wait.

Fulfillment Through Love

       Depression may be an extremely strong adversary but it has weaknesses. Helping and leading others towards Christ has really weakened my depression. It's the most fulfilling feeling I've ever had. I feel like I'm finally contributing to God's kingdom and building treasures in heaven. In the end, that's really all that matters. For years, I thought the only way to contribute was to become a preacher and go to a country in need but God has shown me that I can just be of influence with the people around me and in my life. It's quite a relief and it takes a lot of stress off of my shoulders. It's given me a love for people and a passion for leading others towards Christ. Love is stronger than depression.
    I am fully aware that my depression has just been temporarily weakened. I have not uprooted all off the major issues. I do not have the answers yet but I am confident that Jesus will sustain me. There will be hard times ahead but I will never be facing them alone. I believe I can come to a resolution to one of my issues by just focusing on Jesus. It's not going to be easy. I still have an overwhelming urge to find a wife. I have to believe that God will provide me one when I am ready and that is super painful for me to accept. This hole in my heart aches every day and I struggle with keeping hope. I try not to dwell on it so I shove this issue to the back of my mind and force it to remain dormant. Until I find an answer, this will haunt me. I have found no comfort in anything that people have said to me. I hold onto Jesus because He is my only tangible hope and I will continue to hold onto Him for the rest of my life.  

Obscurity Returns

       I feel myself slipping back into sadness and depression. The start of a new week for me means loneliness and isolation. It's so hard to think straight when you view the world with sadness and it seems so dark. All my plans from last week collapsed and left me extremely disappointed. The only constant and the only person there for me everyday is Jesus. It sounds cliche but it's true and I feel it. I pray to him two or more times daily. He may not answer my prayers immediately but I know he reveals the answers in due time. Honestly, I'm just glad He answers me. He may not tell me what I always want to hear but His answers have a certainty to them. He is the only thing that is absolute in life. I'm the kind of person who defines things clearly. Like for example: Lying is wrong, telling the truth is right. I try to see the world as clear-cut and black and white as often as possible because I hate it when there's not a clear, precise answer. That is why I hate politics. Debates on  rage on in our country about issues like homosexuality, abortion, etc. The bible is the perfect moral compass and for me, the answers to those issues are clear. I don't identify myself as democrat or republican because there's strengths and weaknesses on both sides.
     Nobody wants to be alone. everyone wants to be accepted. Loneliness is one of those feelings where you feel exposed, left out in the open. It's eerily silent and dark. Memories of my friends laughing echo in my mind and it makes me crave their company. My family tells me that I can't depend on other people for happiness. I try not to but the longer I stay alone, the more intense the feeling gets. Time seems to slow down and I'm forced to endure every painful moment of unwanted solitude. There were times in the past when this feeling would be so intense and overwhelming that I would do anything to make it stop. Even if that meant ending my own life. To give up hope is to promote despair and attract death. That is something I refuse to do. My faith is stronger than ever and even in my pain, the Lord blesses me with new friends. It helps to soothe old hurts. My purpose in this life is to show others what it's like to follow Jesus. Yes, I will stumble but Jesus will always pick me back up. I pray for those who are suffering the pain of depression and other great trials and losses. I hear all the time on the radio how people lose their spouse and children to cancer or in an accident and I am just amazed how they continue to keep pushing forward. I can only imagine what a loss like that would be like. Life is really obscure and foggy for me right now but i know Jesus will take me by my hand and lead me through it. I don't just want to be an example for others. I want people to find the hope that I have in Christ.