Overwhelmed With Pain

    Wow this is really painful. Why is forgiveness so hard? To me, this offense honestly seems impossible for me to overcome because I'm reminded of it every day and it hurts so much. It's so hard to talk about because it's so personal. I just feel wounded and scarred. I definitely can't do this on my own. Not without God. Every time I attempt to draw up as much will as I can to forgive, it feels like I hit a brick wall. My flesh screams out 'NO!' The tension in my head is enormous. I really want to forgive but at the same time I feel so hurt and I feel it more and more as I draw closer to forgiveness. My heart starts to race and I start to breath shallow, quick breaths.
      I was talking to one of my good friends today and I really do need to take a step back and try to see this with a new perspective. It's definitely going to be extremely hard. I need so much prayer right now. I am filled with anger, bitterness, sorrow and resentment


      I have come to an important decision. Jesus tells us to forgive so that is what I'm going to do. No matter how much my flesh resists, I am going to force myself to forgive every night before I go to bed and every morning I wake up. This has had a hold on me for too long and I want to be free and move on. I have begun forgiving and let me tell you, it is one of the hardest things I've done since I've held onto it for ten years. It took every bone in my body and my entire mind to just say, 'I forgive you.' Immediately after I said this I burst into tears. It's as if the dam was opened and all the hurt and anger came rushing out. It was a huge release. I will have to continue to do this many times but the first time is always the hardest. I am doing the complete opposite of what my flesh wants. It wants to hold on and stroke and nurture the pain but I refuse to live like that. It is only because of the holy spirit that I can do this. Forgiveness goes against logic. I am forgiving because God forgave me of inexcusable sins. I must do so no matter how heinous I consider the offense. It's time to stop surrendering to my emotions. It's time to do what the spirit desires and not what I desire.