I can feel the two biggest roots of my depression starting to nag at me again. They are weakened but they are still there. Loneliness and resentment are those roots. The Lord has given me confidence and the strength to fight. As depression wanes, my confidence grows. I can actually conceive of seeing depression coming to an end. I do not expect depression to end abruptly, but rather gradually. I have to keep up my guard to prevent my thoughts from taking me over and giving in to despair. There are still parts of my depression that I don't know how to fight. I still continue to forgive but there's this teeny tiny voice that asks, 'can you really forgive an offense of this magnitude?' I have to and God can give me that gift of forgiveness if I truly seek it. I still have intense fears of not being able to find my other half. the biggest question that upsets me is what if I die alone? I still cannot confront and answer that. It hasn't happened so there's still hope. I trust that God has let me go through all these rejections because it's His way of telling me, 'Wait, I have someone very special just for you!' Just reading that makes me cry because I've been lonely for so long that it still feels like a far off fantasy for me to have someone. I wait patiently for my devotional to arrive in the mail. I've put off confronting my loneliness until it comes because I honestly have no idea how to fight it.
I have regained at least a basic routine and structure to keep me busy and prevent depression from gaining too much of a hold. It feels like I'm actually getting things done. Lately, God has put in my heart to tell some of my friends how much they mean to me. I was surprised when they responded that it made their day and that they had been struggling lately so it was just what they needed to hear. I love helping people and making them happy. I will never stop fighting until depression has completely vanished.
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