Facing Your Demons

        I have been really cracking down on my depression for the last couple days. It's so hard to look at your greatest fears, hurts, and sorrows straight in the face. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I'm glad that I've started looking at my issues as they are because even though I haven't accomplished much yet in ways towards healing, I did learn a few things. One, I have been actively denying, ignoring, and suppressing these painful and frightening things. I'm going to have to face them sooner or later so why not begin now? Two, (this one may be obvious but easy to forget) Everyone has fears, hurts and sorrows. I have often felt sorry for myself. I don't care about admitting this because everyone has done this too. Three, these things can be overcome with Jesus' help and only His help. And finally, I need to put my complete faith in Jesus. Too long have I held back parts of my life from Him. Too long have I denied Him control. He knows what's best for me so much more than I do. Who do I think I am? I definitely do not know better than the God of the universe.
        This has been so hard. I find myself literally shaking when I force myself to ponder fully on my issues. The stinging hurts and emotions have come back. Whenever I see a couple I am on the verge of tears. How do I overcome such severe pain and emotional hurt? This is the question that I am trying to find an answer for. The negative thoughts are so harsh, cruel and critical. 'You'll never have someone. You came into this world alone and you'll die alone and forgotten. This question's too big for you to even comprehend the answer. Don't you dare forgive them. If you do that, you have submitted to their will and authority.' When my emotions are all out of whack, these thoughts sound rational to me. I will not give in to these thoughts. I will not stop facing my problems head on until they are resolved once and for all. It's going to be really rough and painful to do this. I have no illusions about this being easy. So far, the thing that has been extremely elusive to me is forgiveness. This is where extreme anger and pain overwhelms me. Nevertheless, I will not stop trying until I reach true forgiveness.
          I am completely turning over my fears of never finding someone for me to God. It's too much for me to bear. This fear has plagued me for years and it often puts me into a trance and it always ends with an enormous amount of pain and tears. God hasn't granted me someone because He knows that I'm not ready. I am too emotionally fragile and I cannot handle it yet. That fact has often gotten me really angry at myself. I should be prepared and I'm sick of waiting. If I keep carrying this burden around, it will destroy me. It's like a ball and chain. Those are the two biggest things of my depression that I am actively attempting to resolve. It will be painful but I know it will bring me so much peace once I am able to finally resolve them. Facing your demons takes courage.