The Void

     Things have improved spiritually for me. My anger and frustration towards God is fading. My sister helped me see that I really don't have any idea what God's plan for me is so it's dangerous for me to assume. Now I just feel empty. I hate this feeling because it feels like....there's nothing left. It's not just want of a relationship that gnaws at me. It's loneliness in general. It's like a huge void and it hurts really bad. To tell the truth, I still don't hold out much hope for a relationship. That feels like a far off fantasy. I still can't believe that I deceived myself into thinking that I actually had a chance. Nothing hurts like false hope.
     Why am I this way? Why can't I be content with what I have? Why do I have this constant need to be in a relationship so that I feel loved? I honestly wish I didn't feel this way because it's making me miserable. I didn't go to college for a few reasons but one of the biggest reasons is because I was scared. Scared of being forced to interact with people and thinking of what I was going to say, scared of failing and especially scared of having to climb up the social hierarchy again. I can't do that. I won't. I'm easily intimidated by large groups of people. I feel like I'm not good enough to interact with them. It takes an enormous amount of effort for me to introduce myself to somebody. When I took music appreciation class, I avoided eye contact with everyone and kept my mouth shut. Even getting a job makes me extremely nervous but I know I have to do it. Being socially introverted is one of the biggest things that I hate about myself. Because of being socially introverted, I become passive in general. That has been magnified tenfold with the arrival of my depression.
      It is a good thing that my anger has left me because that means that I can depend and lean on God again. That's the only way I'm going to get through this. I am a super impatient man and I don't want to come out of depression without learning to have some measure of patience. If I don't learn patience, then I'll just be going through this life waiting for tomorrow and not living in the moment. There's going to be pain. There's going to be suffering. Once I come out of depression, I will be prepared for the sorrows that life has to bring so I won't be caught off guard. It won't always be like this. Life is just for a season