A Growing Fear And Hurt

      As I get a handle on one of the roots of my depression, another is growing and becoming a huge problem for me. The time for celebration was short lived. It takes more than a day to change a mindset I've had for 10 years so I will keep forgiving and praying because there is still pain. However, the burden of resentment is becoming less and less every day so that is a huge accomplishment for me because I did not think it was possible for me to forgive. It just shows that God is a lot bigger than my petty problems. However, I don't see much hope for me in the future concerning my feelings of intense loneliness. Every endeavor I have made to solve this problem has failed and hurt me so much. Just thinking about it makes me shake and tear up. I am starting to shift my focus from resentment to this issue because loneliness is what led me down the road of suicide many times and I just don't see a way out. It scares me to death and it hurts so much. Suicidal thoughts come easily to me when I think of how utterly alone I feel. I want someone of my own so so bad I would do anything. I don't even know what to pray because it hurts so bad and I'm ashamed to ask for a girl because I feel that it's selfish of me but it's the most desperate desire of my heart. I don't even know how to attack this issue because it hasn't changed even a tiny bit in my entire life. It's the one thing that I want out of this life. I want to love and be loved but I don't know how that feels or even how to encounter it because it feels so alien to me. It's so exhausting and so very painful to think about. I can't let this go. I don't want to let this go because if I do, then I feel like all my chances disappear forever. It's so painful for me to see my friends go into relationships so easily. It makes me feel inferior and unwanted. I can't even find the words to describe how lonely I feel. Friendship just feels like the surface of how deep a relationship can go and that's as far as I've ever been able to get. I just feel like that weird kid that everyone puts up with. I don't know what to do because I am in so much pain