My journey with Christ is definitely a long one. I first asked Jesus into my heart when I was about five or six. I vaguely remember being very excited the next day and telling all my friends what Christ did for us. Looking back, I don't think I completely understood what Christ did and what that meant for me. When we're little kids, we believe anything that are parents tell us. As pastor Justin Peters said, 'There's a difference between childlike faith and childish faith.' There are so many religions with so many different philosophies. A person who isn't well disciplined or has little to no discernment will easily be drawn in by all these teachings and be blown to and fro like dust in the wind. I admit that I was very naive when I was younger. But first let me explain how I was spiritually from age six to twelve. I remember hating going to church every Sunday. I felt like my parents were forcing me to do things that I didn't want to do. Again, looking back, my parents were just trying to help me grow in faith. I consider my dad the spiritual authority of our household and that's the way it should be. I'm an extremely shy person so when it came time for me to go to Sunday school, I never interacted with any of the other kids in class. I admit that I had no interest in the bible whatsoever and I saw Sunday school as the most boring thing ever. My mind was always elsewhere when the Sunday school teachers were teaching the lesson (I usually thought about my favorite show Power Rangers or Mario kart!). Looking back, I wouldn't consider myself saved. I considered Christianity as a ritual. You go to church every Sunday, and then you forget about it until next Sunday. I saw faith as something that was inactive and I just went with the motions for a long time.
When I was twelve and I started middle school, that's when the rogue winds of life started to hit me. I was used to having one teacher and one class like in elementary. Having a schedule and having to go to all these different classes really threw me off and I couldn't cope with it. This was also the time when a girl I was really emotionally invested in had cut off our friendship. I plunged into a deep depression and I ceased to care about school. My grades dropped to the point where I was failing every single class and I became suicidal. I was desperate for comfort and love because I was yelled at a lot by my parents for failing and I cried every day. This is where I came back to my faith and really started examining my relationship with Christ. Am I truly saved? I also felt a need to know where history was going. I didn't completely understand the bible and I thought the world was just going to go on forever. I would then ask myself, 'If this world does go on forever, then what's the point in Jesus dying for our sins?'. This question was answered within that week. I have a very vague memory of walking into wal mart with my mom and sister. This was when the Left Behind series was the craze and very famous. I overheard my sister talking excitedly to my mom about what she was reading and how the antichrist was going to rule the world and so on and so forth. I had never heard this before so it scared the living daylights out of me.I became obsessed with the end times from age twelve to eighteen. (While the Left Behind series is fascinating to read, it is still just fiction. The book of Revelation is very difficult to interpret. One thing that all Christians should agree on is that history is going somewhere and that Jesus WILL return).
Realizing that history is being directed by God was a huge boost for my faith. By the time I hit high school, I genuinely professed to God that I was a sinner and that I placed my faith in His son Jesus Christ. I was still obsessed with the end times and I got easily frustrated because I wanted to know exactly what was going to happen in the end and there were so many different theories and interpretations. Still, other things started to concern me as I went through High school. I kept hearing warnings in church that when people hit college, they forsake the faith and that it was an increasing trend. I told myself that I would never let go of Jesus and I didn't want that to be my fate. I wanted to have a genuine relationship with Jesus and not one that I would just go to Him in times of trouble, but also in the good times too. I started to question everything that school taught me as well. I am extremely skeptical of evolution. History provides plenty of support for God and the Resurrection. It's as real as any other event. We have more records of Jesus than we do of Caesar! The bible encourages us to test all things. In history class, we came to the subject of Christianity. The teacher was explaining how the bible is all purely symbolic and can't be taken literally. I immediately thought, 'that's wrong'. If Jesus' resurrection is just symbolic, then we are all worshiping in vain and we will all die in our sins. Today's world hates 'intolerance' and the world accepts that there are many paths to God. The bible is absolutely clear that there is but ONE way to God. ' No one gets to the Father without me.' 'I am the way, the truth, and the life'. These are the words of Jesus and I believe them completely.
Once I graduated and left school, things went downhill for me from there. I was becoming increasingly lonely and depression was getting worse with each passing day. I tried to get into a relationship with my best friend and failed. This lead to further depression. Looking back, I wonder if I was actually in love with her or if I just liked the idea of being with her, or if it was a very strong infatuation. I hit a vital point in my walk with Christ after my first suicide attempt. I was in the emergency room, lying on a gurney with my arms bloody and tears pouring down my face. I felt that I had been completely cut of from God and that He was refusing to help me. My best friend whom I went front range with definitely impacted me spiritually and has been a positive influence in my life. She made me realize that I was depending on myself and not on God. I had strayed. I still struggle with trusting God but it's a matter of the will. I am willing myself to trust the Lord. I used to think that I had to be in a 'trusting mood'.
I see that God is using my depression to teach me to trust completely in Him and I praise Him for that. I remember thinking that my faith wasn't growing at all and I would pray for Him to help me grow. He definitely granted my prayer, but in an unexpected, rather clever way. The way God works makes me smile sometimes. He is teaching humility every time I sin. I am still amazed that He forgives me each and every day even though I am such a screw up. I was recently very angry with God but He has answered me in the most subtle of ways. I thought I knew His plan for me and I didn't like it. I was being stubborn, selfish, and even prideful for thinking I knew God's plan for me. The truth is, I have no idea. It's unfair for me to completely discount a future where I will have a spouse because I don't know what the future holds. For now, I am going to concentrate on growing in faith with my savior. I have much to learn and I am excited to see what God has planned for me.
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