Is forgiveness even plausible? True forgiveness? A lot of people think that by forgetting, they are forgiving. This is absolutely not true. I can attest to it personally and I struggle every day with trying to forgive. If you forget the wrong done to you or actively suppress it, it will come back and it will be worse by tenfold. The anger, hurt, bitterness, and betrayal can be absolutely overwhelming. Resentment is a poison and a burden that drags you down. It has had a hold on me for more than half of my life and I feel that the Lord is wanting me to resolve this once and for all. I started a bible study on forgiveness today and that's starting to help me see how withholding forgiveness can slowly destroy you. That doesn't make it any easier to forgive though. I was praying today for the strength to forgive and I found myself literally shaking and crying. I feel like if I forgive, then I'm basically saying that it was right what they did to me. It's an extremely difficult situation because the offenders may not have intentionally harmed me but they did. Severely. It's become a big portion of my depression and I blame them and part of me wants them to pay. Revenge may seem extremely satisfying and we often imagine a great harm befalling the perpetrators but this is of the flesh. You can't just dismiss it and say, 'oh it's human nature. Everyone does it.' I'm starting to realize that I must forgive because Jesus has forgiven me. I know that nothing is hidden from Him but I worry that they'll get away with it. Part of me wants to forgive because I don't want to live with hate but another part of me says 'No! How can you forgive this? You're reminded of it every day and it's stuck with you for life! They need to pay the price!' These two parts of me constantly fight and it feels like I'll be torn in two. To this day, I am still astounded that the offenders would do something like this. I was in denial for a very long time. When I first found out, I was in shock and disbelief. I shut it out for about five years. I have lost the ability to do that because what I didn't realize that even though it was being suppressed, the pain and hurt and anger was multiplying exponentially beneath the surface.
As a christian, I always found it generally easy to forgive but I have done it so often that I have forgotten how to forgive. This offense completely threw me off balance because it's the biggest offense I've experienced in my life. This is why I began my bible study on forgiveness today. I need to remember how to forgive. Truly forgive. I thought that by saying out loud the words I forgive you would end it but I was just tricking myself. It worked for a time but it always comes back worse. As humans with fallen natures, it is not natural to forgive. Luckily, the Spirit lets us want what it wants; desire what it desires. I want and need to forgive. It will be a long process but it must be done and I definitely need the Lord's help. It is so painful. This is not an everyday petty offense. Anyone can forgive something small and use common sense. This is something I perceive as wicked, ignorant, spiteful, a violation, and a huge cross of boundaries and trust. This is where it truly takes the miracle of forgiveness to heal. I realize that this will mean having to give up my thoughts and my carnal reasoning and enter into God's. As I'm studying, I also realize that as Christians there will definitely be times when our flesh is winning. That's what it feels like for me right now. I'm following the advice of this study when it says that when you have a compulsion in the flesh, do the EXACT OPPOSITE. It will be super hard but with Christ it can be done. It takes a lot of willpower to forgive. Peace and joy will fill me up when I finally truly forgive. I pray that that day is soon
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