I don't think it's possible to get used to pain and sorrow. You can be numbed to it but the severity can always surprise you and knock the wind out of you. My depression has been doing that to me the past few days but that's because I have been on the offensive lately so the pain is to be expected. It is so easy for me to slip back into my old habits when I'm faced with an immense amount of pain. My mind naturally looks for the quickest escape possible so the first thought that comes up is, 'I want to die.' Clearly, this is an irrational thought. My emotions get completely blown out of proportion because of the immense pain so logic just flies out of the window. Luckily, I have been training and conditioning my mind to take my emergency pill when this happens and I also attempt to challenge my suicidal thoughts. Once the breakdown ends, I am completely sapped emotionally and physically. I have often wondered if I can ever run out of tears. I cry so much that my entire face swells up. The thoughts and fears are so painful and they seem true to me because the future is so foggy.
Just by being alone, I feel as if all of my friends will leave me and that I will be left behind. This fear has slowly been eating away at me and I haven't had this fear since the beginning of my depression. Wanting to be accepted and loved is not a unique experience. Every single person who has ever lived has felt this way. I know I am not alone and I often forget that. Nighttime is when my thoughts start to bring me to despair. I feel stuck in a rut while everyone else is having fun. Tears are a regular part of my evenings. Depression has spiked more than usual. There hasn't been a break for a few days now. I stop shaving, I stop eating, I fight back thoughts of death, and I desperately try to keep myself busy before I drown in my own misery. To this day, the thing I want most out of life is a true relationship. I try not to think about it because I have been able to identify which trains of thought lead me towards suicide. When you have clinical depression, you can't afford to be a pessimist. If you stop trying, depression will eventually lead to death if left untreated. I used to think that I could handle it myself but I was too far gone to be making rational decisions. I had already attempted suicide when I thought I could handle myself nearly a year and a half ago.
The process on forgiveness has been extremely slow and very painful. It goes against every instinct in my body and yet, I must do what the spirit wants. In doing this, I am essentially nailing my flesh violently to the cross. I am going in the right direction; even though it's super slow. I have faith that God will provide me the miracle of forgiveness. It will take a miracle for me to forgive because this is the biggest offense I have ever experienced and it hurts so bad even though it wasn't intentional. My mind often gets consumed with painful memories and accusatory thoughts. It fills me with nearly uncontainable rage and sadness. It quickly drains me of hope and makes me feel even more alone because it's just such a unique circumstance.
Despite all this pain, giving up is not an option. If I were to give up, the price could be my life. God has plans for me but I have no idea what they are. I pray so hard that these plans include a wife because I cannot walk this life alone. The tears flow every day but I praise God nonetheless. He loves me and has chosen to strengthen me and to grow closer to Him.
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