Blinded By Pain And Sorrow

    I nearly lost all hope today. I hadn't stopped crying since last night. Suicidal thoughts came on really strong. It feels like it's too big for me to overcome. Everything about my depression hit me at once. I felt like a burden, unattractive, forsaken, unloved, hopeless, and I had a great hatred for myself. I feel so embarrassed and humiliated by not having ever been in a relationship. That's what hurts a lot. And I'm so angry at myself because I'm so socially introverted that I'm too scared to even follow up on a job application. I was just never taught how to function in the real world and that's why I am so behind my peers. I get extremely jealous how my peers can get a relationship so easily while I have failed at every turn. I still don't believe it is possible for me to find someone. I think I'm ugly. I don't think it's possible for anyone to love me in a romantic way. I can give it but I can never receive it.
      Forgiveness is not easy for me to come by. Every time I have confessed to God that I forgive, I cry and shake in pain. I'm finding more and more thoughts of resistance to forgiveness in my mind. Thoughts like, 'Do you really think it's possible to forgive them? They hurt you so badly that it will stay with you for life! They need to answer for what they've done and pay the price!' I talk down my consciousness by refusing to do what it tells me. I am moving forward with my plan of forgiveness, regardless of the pain. I think the more pain I feel, the closer I am to forgiveness.
     Since I am naturally so passive, My mom has given me a solution to remedy that. And it will help with my depression so two birds with one stone. We went to Target and bought a dry eraser board so I can make a to-do list each and every day. I have lost my discipline that I once had in high school. I must regain it. I see this as training for life in the adult world. I look towards the future, and it terrifies me. The thought of school terrifies me for a few reasons. I am extremely uncomfortable with interacting with people I don't know and I am intimidated by them because I have always seen myself as lower than most people. Depression has made self confidence a complete stranger to me. Last time I had confidence in myself, I got hurt so bad. I have been thinking about which direction I want to go and I am interested in theology. What frightens me is that I don't see a spouse in my future whatsoever. That part of my humanity craves companionship and intimacy but I see it as completely out of my reach and reserved only for certain privileged people. I just need to take one step at a time because all of this weighs so heavily on my heart that it brings me to my knees