"My Grace Is Sufficient For You"

     I am shocked by how much pain I'm in. Last night was...awful. I feel caught off guard. Forgiveness is such a painful thing to come to. Every night and morning, I pray and I confess to God that I forgive those who have broken my heart. I can't help but cry uncontrollably right in the middle of each prayer. I pray so hard that the lord will release me of this burden but all that comes back to me is a verse. 'My grace is sufficient for you.' I cannot possibly describe how much I hurt and how hopeless I feel. I just wanted it all to end last night and I wanted to be with the lord so bad. I was sobbing and screaming for relief. I started to feel as if there was nothing around me but silence and I felt so terribly alone. I miss my friends so much and I want that intimacy that only a relationship can bring but I know that I'm not ready. My energy and happiness is completely  sapped and my eyes are swollen from crying constantly. My heart hurts and it's such a burden. I want to be free. Everything feels so dark. I tried going to sleep in the middle of the night but I woke up extremely angry and upset. It feels as if I forgive in vain. I am so disgusted with myself and ashamed of who I am.
     Despite all this unbelievable pain, I am still going forward with my plan of forgiving every night and every morning. I expect much more crying and sorrow to follow. This has to be done. I have lived to long in bitterness, anger and sorrow. A huge part of me still sees this offense as unforgivable but I am doing the opposite of what I feel nonetheless.  This battle has just started and I could use all the prayers I can get.