A Way Out?

     Loneliness. I feel it even when I'm in a room full of people. When I'm alone, that's when the pain really starts to get a hold of me. It's so easy for me to jump to a suicidal thought because this is at the very core of my depression. It hurts so bad that I am crying every day. I have tried nearly everything to change my situation and I thought I was being forced to wait it out. However, one of my very good friends suggested something for me to do. She suggested that I start this devotional called, 'Dating Jesus'. It's a way to be further into a relationship with the Lord. I was extremely hesitant to do this because I felt like I was giving up on ever finding someone. I am ashamed to say this but I want a relationship with a girl who's physically there. I don't know what is better but I've never had a relationship so I wouldn't know. I've tried everything else so this can't really hurt and it will strengthen my faith. I am going into this devotional with a mindset that this will help me become more emotionally stable so that I can handle a physical relationship. The pain is so great that I am willing to try anything to make it stop. I looked up this devotional and unfortunately, I found that it was for women. I dug a little further and I was able to find a devotional for christian singles so I ordered it last night. This could be the pain relief that I was praying about. I have been soooo focused on trying to find someone that I've been too stubborn to stop and listen. I can be extremely stubborn and that's something I need to work on. Again, I thought that it would be impossible for me to stop feeling pain unless I got into a relationship but I haven't been thinking logically since I've been in so much pain. If I were to get into a relationship now and it didn't work out.... I don't even want to think of what I would do. I do look forward to starting this devotional. I haven't been trusting God nearly as much as I should be. I need to let Him take care of this. He knows I'm not ready for a relationship so maybe this will be His way of teaching, preparing, and disciplining me.