All I Had Was God/ Beginning Of A New Perspective

      My devotional has been most helpful but it also has made me come to some painful realizations. The lesson for today has helped me realize that I have been seeking a woman for the wrong reasons. A huge part of the reason why I have been seeking a relationship is because depression has made me feel increasingly lonely and isolated. Even though my friends and family kept on telling me that a relationship won't solve my problems, I refused to listen to them. I admit that I can be extremely stubborn and proud when it comes to people giving me advice about relationships. I still am. My christian friends would tell me that only a relationship with God will help ease my suffering. I refused to listen to this as well for the sole reason that I felt so pathetic that I only had God to talk to. I have attempted to bring about relationships numerous times and I have failed every single time and I still feel deep humiliation and shame. It's not something I like talking about because it cuts so deep and it's what drove me to attempt suicide numerous times.
      In the bible, God says that He'll never leave nor forsake us. I always dismissed this because I thought it was just a phrase with nice words that we put on plaques and hang up on our walls. Obviously, I have been dead wrong. God wouldn't bother telling us if He didn't mean it. It's true. I remember each time that I was on my knees from so much emotional pain and when my face was swollen from tears, I felt as if Jesus was right beside me the whole time. Even when I was suicidal, Jesus was the only thing that remained constant; someone I can count on. I am slowly starting to see my perspective changing. It's not an easy process. All I had was God. I have been looking for happiness in the wrong place. It still hurts me a lot to admit it. My desire for a spouse has not diminished at all but I am slowly starting to see that Jesus can and will sustain me. I know that what I feel is a very common experience but I always had thought my circumstances were unique. they are not. We naturally desire to seek the company of the opposite sex when we are feeling extremely lonely. This is 100% true for me because I surround myself with friends who are girls. It insulates me against loneliness. In truth though, whether my friends are boys are girls, I value each and every one of their friendships. I am an extremely loyal friend and when I form a friendship, it's a true friendship. It's not something casual. Friendship is a gift from the Lord and it should be something that lifts us up and enriches our lives. As Christians, our personal goal should be to become more Christ-like. That is my personal goal and my ultimate goal is to spread His glory. God is having me go through depression because I need to learn to depend on Him for everything. In the good and bad times. Before depression, I had Jesus in my life but my faith was quite idle. It hadn't been challenged and hadn't been through adversity. I was unable to grow and flourish until I went through an enormous amount of physical and emotional pain that accompanied suicide attempts. I silently thank God for not forgetting about me. I consider this a painful breakthrough but I'm glad it's progress.