God's Timing: Suffering Through The Wait

      The past two nights have been the most painful I can remember. Luckily, God has made it so I don't feel depressed while I am at my job. I have spent the last two nights literally screaming and crying in pain because of loneliness. I am going to be blunt. I hate being single. It is the thing I despise most about life. It has strained my relationship with God. I am extremely stubborn and I'm praying for God to change my heart. Submitting to God's timing has been one of the most difficult things I've been going through because I don't trust Him. I'm not going to lie. I have this terror gnawing at me and a question that's been gnawing at me. 'What if God calls me to be single for the rest of my life?' In the past, I thought about killing myself if this reality is true because I can't live with that. I won't kill myself. I have been raging against God and arguing with Him. I know what I am doing is wrong. I only pray one word: help. The pain seems to get worse every day. I don't even know how to act if I do get a girlfriend. I'm scared to death that I'm going to be awkward and stiff. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed because I have absolutely no experience whatsoever. This alone has caused a tremendous amount of agony. It's made me feel cut off, unloved, inferior, pathetic, unpopular and a mistake.
       My spiritual growth and health has come to a screeching halt and I have absolutely no idea what to do or pray. I am honestly trying my hardest to trust in God. I admit that His timing is a lot better than mine since I have failed every time. I don't know His plan for me. I can't even find an encouraging verse in the bible to give me hope. I'm not giving up but I am stretched to my limit. I need help. That's all I know. I am grateful for God's timing in that I was blessed with a job. Maybe this is the first step in Him directing me to my future spouse. One thing I know (and I'm fighting against my pride and stubbornness to admit this) is that I am not ready for a relationship yet. I am too emotionally unstable and I need to continue to grow under God's authority. I know he has blessed me with wisdom because He has granted that prayer. I don't deserve it because I am a sinner but I accept it because to reject it would be prideful.  I read my devotional every day but it hurts so bad because it's like reading my own thoughts and fears. I literally become drenched in tears. I pray so hard for God to change my heart and my stubborn ways. For Him to grant me patience and peace and maturity in preparation for my future

Empty

     I am very glad to have a job. However, my feelings of loneliness have intensified. I know in my mind and in my heart that only Christ can satisfy that need but my emotions protest and even reject this. It's such a painful struggle. I am so clueless and confused that I don't know what to pray for anymore. It feels like a giant void that gets bigger every day. Seeing couples makes me feel alienated from everyone. I have stopped searching for someone and I'm trying to let it happen 'organically' whatever that means. I just don't see any hope whatsoever. I've felt so lonely for eight years and I feel trapped. I feel like only part of me is there. I have been having severe trust issues with God lately. I'm just super scared that I'll never get anyone. That my destiny is to be alone. I steadfastly refuse this. I won't let it happen. And I realize that that's part of a vicious cycle that I'm stuck in. I try to see God as my spouse but....I just can't see it and I don't understand it. How can He possibly make me feel loved if I feel so lonely?

Thoughts And Realizations

    When I am at work, it is easy for me to fully commit and concentrate on my tasks. I realize that this is a good and bad thing. It's good because it means that I'm a hard worker but it's also bad because this has turned into something I use to block out depression. I don't feel depressed at all when I am at work but when my shift ends and I go into my car to go home, I immediately feel incredibly lonely. I admit that I don't know how to make t go away. My desire to find a spouse will not go away but I know I don't need a spouse to make me feel complete. At least, my mind and my heart know that but my feelings and emotions scream in protest. It's been causing a lot of pain. I have made new friends at work but now I'm starting to get scared. I don't want to be single. I honestly don't care that people say that being single is a 'blessing'. It's not to me. There are times when I get so angry and upset that I just want to scream at God. I am extremely impatient. I'm pretty much just following Him with blind faith at this point concerning a girlfriend because my line of thought is this: It's never happened before so why would it happen now? I haven't been fighting depression lately because it's been so painful and I get emotionally exhausted when I try to find a way to overcome it. I keep thinking that the only way to get better is to give up on ever finding someone for me but I refuse to do that. If I did that, then that would lead me down an extremely dangerous path. I am being realistic and I know how easy it is for me to become suicidal. This is the issue that triggers it easily. That is why I block it out. I just feel in a rut at this point and I'm so angry, frustrated, and heartbroken. I don't know how to move forward or what to do.Even resentment has been boiling back up.
      I am going to continue doing my devotional no matter what. The deeper I get into it, the more painful it gets. I realize how truly stubborn I am because there are some things I just refuse to let go. I don't even know how to turn it over to God because the hurt and the desire always comes back. I just hope to find a solution soon

Ready For Life

       Getting a job has changed things. I have structure and a routine in my life now. Depression has been weakened even further but it is not over. Even among all the people around me, I still feel lonely. I anticipated this, however. I need to keep focusing on work and keep up on my devotional and exercising. God will never forsake me. My mind and heart knows this but my emotions do not. My emotions are part of the flesh. This is something I will continue to struggle with until I truly understand and accept that God is really all I need. I still shake and tears still form at the thought of being lonely. I need to concentrate on what I can offer a spouse and not what she can offer me. I realize that I tend to love others but I refuse to let others love me because I truly don't think it's possible for me to be loved. At least not in a way that I desire. This thought gnaws at me daily. I can't even discern if it's an irrational thought or not because it really does seem true to me but I have absolutely no way of knowing for sure. It's uncertain and that's what scares me.
       I've started to lose myself in the word as a way to escape the pain. It calms me down and my mind begins to quiet. The job offer literally came out of nowhere. I was so depressed that I was in tears and then I saw my phone and it had a number I didn't recognize. I answered as clearly as I could and right off the bat was a job offer. My depression disappeared as quickly as vapor. I strongly believe that God did this and it was like someone splashing water on me and saying 'wake up!' I wouldn't qualify it as a miracle but I personally can see how God works in my life. He doesn't need to work miracles to amaze me. He doesn't need to work miracles for me to identify His works. I am so thankful and I have been praising God ceaselessly. I totally don't deserve the job. I have been drowning in my own sorrows for so long that I had started to lose hope and perspective. At least now I can move forward and have the will and power to continue to fight my depression. It's a new day. The past will stay in the past. I will resolve what needs to be resolved and I refuse to back down and cower because God is with me

Hidden Pain

      I now remain silent about pain that rises back up. I woke up completely in pain and shock last night. Loneliness and sadness hits me like a slap on the face. I hesitate to speak about pain now because I feel as if I am a bother to other people. I should be able to handle this myself. I become so overwhelmed with pain and sadness that suicidal thoughts whisper suggestions in my ear. I won't let them in. I cry out in pain to God, begging Him to stop the pain. It sometimes feels like depression has caused me to lose so much of what I once was. Happiness has been very elusive as of late. I wish it wasn't an effort to remain happy. It makes me wonder if happiness comes naturally to some people. My heart aches for someone and it hurts so bad. I am scared of reading my devotional now because it feels like it reads my thoughts. Thoughts and gnawing doubts that I had chosen to ignore. I do feel forgotten but I know that those thoughts are lies. It's astounding how much power those kind of thoughts can have if you listen to them. Lately, when I'm in severe pain, I completely shut down and cut myself off from the world and people. I do this because I feel as if I ask too much of people. I feel as if asking for help or even calling or texting people when I'm hurting is too much of me to ask. My devotional passage for today has helped me realize that there is no shame in asking for help. In fact, it's just another form of stubbornness and pride by refusing to be vulnerable. We all need help sometimes. I have been so busy in loving and trying to be of service to my other friends who are hurting that I don't let anybody in. I don't let anybody love me because I am scared to death of being hurt. Last night was one of those nights where my past hurts felt like they were choking me. I was in tears and I felt so hollow. My instinct now is to cling to the Lord because He's the only one whom I can depend on. I need to stop being so stubborn and prideful so I can let others help me and be open to advice. I am making myself even more lonely by turning away help. I am going to strive to change this

All I Had Was God/ Beginning Of A New Perspective

      My devotional has been most helpful but it also has made me come to some painful realizations. The lesson for today has helped me realize that I have been seeking a woman for the wrong reasons. A huge part of the reason why I have been seeking a relationship is because depression has made me feel increasingly lonely and isolated. Even though my friends and family kept on telling me that a relationship won't solve my problems, I refused to listen to them. I admit that I can be extremely stubborn and proud when it comes to people giving me advice about relationships. I still am. My christian friends would tell me that only a relationship with God will help ease my suffering. I refused to listen to this as well for the sole reason that I felt so pathetic that I only had God to talk to. I have attempted to bring about relationships numerous times and I have failed every single time and I still feel deep humiliation and shame. It's not something I like talking about because it cuts so deep and it's what drove me to attempt suicide numerous times.
      In the bible, God says that He'll never leave nor forsake us. I always dismissed this because I thought it was just a phrase with nice words that we put on plaques and hang up on our walls. Obviously, I have been dead wrong. God wouldn't bother telling us if He didn't mean it. It's true. I remember each time that I was on my knees from so much emotional pain and when my face was swollen from tears, I felt as if Jesus was right beside me the whole time. Even when I was suicidal, Jesus was the only thing that remained constant; someone I can count on. I am slowly starting to see my perspective changing. It's not an easy process. All I had was God. I have been looking for happiness in the wrong place. It still hurts me a lot to admit it. My desire for a spouse has not diminished at all but I am slowly starting to see that Jesus can and will sustain me. I know that what I feel is a very common experience but I always had thought my circumstances were unique. they are not. We naturally desire to seek the company of the opposite sex when we are feeling extremely lonely. This is 100% true for me because I surround myself with friends who are girls. It insulates me against loneliness. In truth though, whether my friends are boys are girls, I value each and every one of their friendships. I am an extremely loyal friend and when I form a friendship, it's a true friendship. It's not something casual. Friendship is a gift from the Lord and it should be something that lifts us up and enriches our lives. As Christians, our personal goal should be to become more Christ-like. That is my personal goal and my ultimate goal is to spread His glory. God is having me go through depression because I need to learn to depend on Him for everything. In the good and bad times. Before depression, I had Jesus in my life but my faith was quite idle. It hadn't been challenged and hadn't been through adversity. I was unable to grow and flourish until I went through an enormous amount of physical and emotional pain that accompanied suicide attempts. I silently thank God for not forgetting about me. I consider this a painful breakthrough but I'm glad it's progress.

Knowing Your Neighbors And Proverbs 27:10

       Do we truly know our neighbors? Today, people tend to rush off to work and many don't even know their neighbor's name. I find that quite sad. 'Do not forsake your friend and the friend of your father, and do not go to your brother's house when disaster strikes you- better a neighbor nearby than a brother far away.' Proverbs 27:10. We can't rely solely on family to comfort us. This is why we should seek out people and kindle friendships so that we are not alone. How great would it be if we were so close to our neighbors that we considered them family? I acknowledge that I should get to know my neighbors better. In fact, I would love to. I know enough about my neighbors to know that they are Christians and I've talked to them before. I feel so blessed and fortunate to have neighbors who care and encourage me through scripture. It honestly makes me want to be there for them when they are in need. Most of us are friends with our co workers and yet we barely even know our neighbors! This was the lesson in my devotional today and I think it's a great idea to get to know our neighbors. The bible does say to love your neighbor. Are we truly following that command? A lot of us tend to avoid neighbors in today's society.  Whether we like it or not, we are a community and we should be friendly and loving to each other. I think this is a great lesson for anyone. I am going to pray on this and devote some of my time to getting to know my neighbors

'Wedding Depression' And 1 John 4:19

        ' We love Him because He first loved us.' 1 John 4:19. This was the topic of my devotional today and it is a very important lesson. Lee Warren describes wedding depression as someone who feels extremely lonely when watching a wedding happen. It's amazing because I'm finding that reading this devotional book is like reading my very own thoughts and fears. But then again, I am sure that there are many people who feel the same way. Nobody wants to be alone. It was really hard for me to continue reading today's devotional because it brought up a lot of buried sadness and loneliness. It's what led me to suicide in the first place. It just goes to show that you have to be so very careful so that you don't put your desire for a spouse above God in your life. That is idolatry and I didn't even realize it was idolatry until one of my friends told me.
        This is one of the questions that the book asked: 'Do you ever minimize God's love for you, thinking that His love can't satisfy your needs? If so, describe your thought process.' This question was like a slap in the face. I have often minimized His love for me and I still struggle with it. I get so frustrated because I want someone who's physically there for me. I honestly just can't wrap my head around how I can possibly be satisfied with God alone. I feel terrible saying it but denying it doesn't make it go away. It's better to just throw the issue out there so I can get help to resolve this. I want someone who's physically there for me and who I can audibly hear talking to me. I know they won't fulfill my EVERY need but I can't think of a resolution. I know God does answer me but.... I desire a physical presence. Someone who's there. This is the issue I need resolved and I feel really guilty for admitting it. I just can't get out of that mindset and I know it's dangerous. It's something that not even my therapist can help me with because he's not a christian counselor. All I know is that I consider being single a curse. It can be a gift sometimes but I'm done being alone. It hurts and I don't know how to make the pain go away. I even feel too guilty to pray because I know I'm doing something wrong.  I'm not going to stop fighting until I overcome this because I have been dragging this around since the sixth grade. I kept it to myself and it only grew worse as the years went by.

The Painful History Of Suicide And Psalm 68:6

      Nearly one and a half years have elapsed since my first suicide attempt. Back then, I didn't know what hope was. I didn't know how to heal and I thought I had come to the end of my time. Depression has tested and shaken the foundations of my will and faith. I have endured. Suicide has left both physical and emotional scars on me but I am stronger for it. Suicide didn't harden my heart. It softened my heart. My faith and love for my savior has increased a hundredfold. God has been so patient with me. Even in those darkest moments where I contemplated suicide, I knew in my mind and heart that he was there with me. I do not yet understand the entire purpose for me going through depression but I definitely know the causes. I had a lack of intimacy with others and a lack of intimacy with God. Pain truly is God's megaphone. I understand so much more about myself, sin, and God. If I study my motives and impulses close enough, I am able to identify which belongs to the spirit and which belongs to the flesh. I consider this discernment a gift from God. Depression is still strong but I am learning patience and discipline. Things I never had before. I have a desire to help people going through pain. If I can't help them physically, then I can at least share the grief with them. No one should go through depression alone. If it gets to the point where it becomes clinical depression, then you absolutely have to get help. If you don't, you will only get worse and it quickly becomes life threatening. Depression clouds your judgement. When you become suicidal, you are no longer thinking clearly. The part of your brain that controls emotion becomes completely over active and enlarged. A person who contemplates suicide does this because they see no other way out of their situation. There have been so many times when I contemplated suicide that I can't even count. If someone succeeds in committing suicide, the effects are devastating. It sends huge ripples throughout the community. Friends and family are left speechless and baffled. They will often either blame the person who committed suicide or blame themselves. This leads them into depression. Depression, like laughter, can be contagious. It's one of the many sad consequences of a fallen world. We do not have to live without hope, however. Jesus can provide healing. The key is to depend on him completely. This is something I am working on to this day. The road has been long but I am well on my way to healing and becoming a better, stronger person. Depression is for but a season. God is in control and nothing is unknown to him.
        'God sets the lonely in families' -Psalm 68:6. This was the topic of a passage from my devotional and this is very true. God didn't make us to be alone. We need community. In the past year, I have found a new church home and I have many christian friends whom I consider family. The feelings of loneliness and the want of a spouse are so unbelievably intense that it often brings me to tears. When that point comes, hope grows dim but I know Jesus is still with me. I am in the process of learning how to unload this burden onto the Lord and let Him handle this. He knows who he has chosen for me. I am really scared but I am trusting Him to strengthen and discipline me so I can be ready for a relationship. It is quite hard to think clearly and logically in this state of mind. Whenever I pray, I no longer pray for just myself, but those around me as well. Some of my close friends are hurting and my heart honestly hurts with them. I hate seeing people in pain. Praying for others and just being unfailingly kind has increased fellowship among my friends and I.  I find this devotional quite enlightening. It has lessons that are very painful but ultimately necessary for me to learn. No pain, no gain. I am willing to go through pain to learn what God has to teach me. His wisdom is truly more valuable than the combined knowledge of this world.

Genesis 2:18

       'The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.' Genesis 2:18. I think about this verse every day and it is also the first lesson in my devotional which I just received in the mail today. The way I see it, the only way I am going to heal is if I change my perspective. This is particularly difficult for me to do because if I do this, then I feel like I'm giving up any chance of finding a spouse. I am not going to block this out because that ultimately makes it worse. Now as for the verse, I always interpreted it as meaning that man and woman were made for each other so I naturally assumed that I would get married and that it is a must. It still is a must but my devotional had an interesting take on this verse. You have to take Adam's situation into account. He was the only human being on earth at that time so he was truly alone. As human beings, we have a need to connect with each other and this is perfectly normal. I don't think it is sinful at all because I believe this is an attribute that God gave to man even before the fall. The need to be with one another and to find a spouse is not sinful in and of itself, but it can easily become sinful if you put it above everything else including God. This is idolatry which I admit I have been guilty of. I am not afraid to admit this because every person who has ever lived has broken the commandments (except Jesus). I put Christ first in my life and I trust Him to lead me to the right woman for me. That doesn't mean that I'm not scared because I totally am. I want the hurt to stop NOW and I want a girlfriend NOW but that's not how life works. People have told me that it has to happen naturally. You can't force it. I actually do not understand this one bit because I have friends who get into relationships so easily and casually. There is nothing 'natural' about that to me.
       I think this devotional will prove to be very beneficial to me and it's how I'm attacking my depression. The more pain I feel, the closer I am to uprooting the issue. I expect much pain in the future. Nothing beneficial in this world is gained without pain. I am still very unsure as how to fill the hole in my heart but I have confidence that God will reveal it to me in time. Up until last week, I had always thought that the only way to stop the pain and emptiness was to get a spouse. Thinking logically, this cannot be because then that makes your happiness completely dependent on your spouse. I need to learn how to completely depend on God so that way I can handle a relationship. As of today, I begin learning how to do that.

The Beginning Of A New Perspective

       I can feel the two biggest roots of my depression starting to nag at me again. They are weakened but they are still there. Loneliness and resentment are those roots. The Lord has given me confidence and the strength to fight. As depression wanes, my confidence grows. I can actually conceive of seeing depression coming to an end. I do not expect depression to end abruptly, but rather gradually. I have to keep up my guard to prevent  my thoughts from taking me over and giving in to despair. There are still parts of my depression that I don't know how to fight. I still continue to forgive but there's this teeny tiny voice that asks, 'can you really forgive an offense of this magnitude?' I have to and God can give me that gift of forgiveness if I truly seek it. I still have intense fears of not being able to find my other half. the biggest question that upsets me is what if I die alone? I still cannot confront and answer that. It hasn't happened so there's still hope. I trust that God has let me go through all these rejections because it's His way of telling me, 'Wait, I have someone very special just for you!' Just reading that makes me cry because I've been lonely for so long that it still feels like a far off fantasy for me to have someone. I wait patiently for my devotional to arrive in the mail. I've put off confronting my loneliness until it comes because I honestly have no idea how to fight it.
      I have regained at least a basic routine and structure to keep me busy and prevent depression from gaining too much of a hold. It feels like I'm actually getting things done. Lately, God has put in my heart to tell some of my friends how much they mean to me. I was surprised when they responded that it made their day and that they had been struggling lately so it was just what they needed to hear. I love helping people and making them happy. I will never stop fighting until depression has completely vanished.

The Power Of Prayer

    I amazed how God has been answering my prayers. Even if they're not the answers I wanted to hear. One of my good friends helped me to see that one of my spiritual gifts could quite possibly be prayer. Now of course, every Christian prays but we all have our own unique gifts. I feel that God answers my prayers through people and situations/circumstances. Now He may not answer it right away but I have found that He answers my prayers in His own time and He always manages to humble me and have in awe. I've always had doubts and worries about if my faith is real and if I am really saved but this definitely helps me gain confidence. I am sure that every believer struggles with their faith at sometime in their life. One of the ways that I feel fulfilled is by being given the privilege of witnessing to friends who aren't believers. Even if the message isn't well received, I still feel super pumped that I am contributing to Christ's kingdom in some way. I've always felt that I had to travel the world and minister to really have an impact but God has shown me that I can make a difference right where I am. Even just writing my blog is fulfilling. I try to have God part of every post so that His glory and works might be seen through me.
     My confidence is growing and I am trusting God more and more. I definitely have much more to learn. I am actually glad that I am still experiencing depression because I want to absorb every piece of knowledge and wisdom that God has to teach me. I know that my depression is not over but I have definitely felt it weakening. I feel that God has answered my prayers and given me ways to fight the core of my depression. I am no longer sitting back and being on the defensive. The time has come for me to actively attack my depression and it's a battle I will win because I have Jesus.

A Way Out?

     Loneliness. I feel it even when I'm in a room full of people. When I'm alone, that's when the pain really starts to get a hold of me. It's so easy for me to jump to a suicidal thought because this is at the very core of my depression. It hurts so bad that I am crying every day. I have tried nearly everything to change my situation and I thought I was being forced to wait it out. However, one of my very good friends suggested something for me to do. She suggested that I start this devotional called, 'Dating Jesus'. It's a way to be further into a relationship with the Lord. I was extremely hesitant to do this because I felt like I was giving up on ever finding someone. I am ashamed to say this but I want a relationship with a girl who's physically there. I don't know what is better but I've never had a relationship so I wouldn't know. I've tried everything else so this can't really hurt and it will strengthen my faith. I am going into this devotional with a mindset that this will help me become more emotionally stable so that I can handle a physical relationship. The pain is so great that I am willing to try anything to make it stop. I looked up this devotional and unfortunately, I found that it was for women. I dug a little further and I was able to find a devotional for christian singles so I ordered it last night. This could be the pain relief that I was praying about. I have been soooo focused on trying to find someone that I've been too stubborn to stop and listen. I can be extremely stubborn and that's something I need to work on. Again, I thought that it would be impossible for me to stop feeling pain unless I got into a relationship but I haven't been thinking logically since I've been in so much pain. If I were to get into a relationship now and it didn't work out.... I don't even want to think of what I would do. I do look forward to starting this devotional. I haven't been trusting God nearly as much as I should be. I need to let Him take care of this. He knows I'm not ready for a relationship so maybe this will be His way of teaching, preparing, and disciplining me.

A Growing Fear And Hurt

      As I get a handle on one of the roots of my depression, another is growing and becoming a huge problem for me. The time for celebration was short lived. It takes more than a day to change a mindset I've had for 10 years so I will keep forgiving and praying because there is still pain. However, the burden of resentment is becoming less and less every day so that is a huge accomplishment for me because I did not think it was possible for me to forgive. It just shows that God is a lot bigger than my petty problems. However, I don't see much hope for me in the future concerning my feelings of intense loneliness. Every endeavor I have made to solve this problem has failed and hurt me so much. Just thinking about it makes me shake and tear up. I am starting to shift my focus from resentment to this issue because loneliness is what led me down the road of suicide many times and I just don't see a way out. It scares me to death and it hurts so much. Suicidal thoughts come easily to me when I think of how utterly alone I feel. I want someone of my own so so bad I would do anything. I don't even know what to pray because it hurts so bad and I'm ashamed to ask for a girl because I feel that it's selfish of me but it's the most desperate desire of my heart. I don't even know how to attack this issue because it hasn't changed even a tiny bit in my entire life. It's the one thing that I want out of this life. I want to love and be loved but I don't know how that feels or even how to encounter it because it feels so alien to me. It's so exhausting and so very painful to think about. I can't let this go. I don't want to let this go because if I do, then I feel like all my chances disappear forever. It's so painful for me to see my friends go into relationships so easily. It makes me feel inferior and unwanted. I can't even find the words to describe how lonely I feel. Friendship just feels like the surface of how deep a relationship can go and that's as far as I've ever been able to get. I just feel like that weird kid that everyone puts up with. I don't know what to do because I am in so much pain

A Burden Eased

      I was unable to get any sleep last night because I was in so much pain and unable to forgive. I was shaking and in tears. Fortunately, One of my friends stayed up and talked to me about it. I am so thankful to have friends like her. She helped me gain a new perspective and this is a pretty major breakthrough because I have been so angry and sad and unable to change my perspective for nearly ten years. This has made forgiving a lot easier and I am even starting to see the offense as a blessing. The Lord has answered my prayer. I'm smirking because he answered it in the cleverest way and yet I still consider it a miracle. Just because my mind was changed with a new perspective doesn't make it any less miraculous to me. This is a short post because I want to celebrate this awesome news and not add any more sorrows to it. I can finally forgive and start to heal after so many years! Praise the Lord!

Praising God Through The Pain And Sorrow

     I don't think it's possible to get used to pain and sorrow. You can be numbed to it but the severity can always surprise you and knock the wind out of you. My depression has been doing that to me the past few days but that's because I have been on the offensive lately so the pain is to be expected. It is so easy for me to slip back into my old habits when I'm faced with an immense amount of pain. My mind naturally looks for the quickest escape possible so the first thought that comes up is, 'I want to die.' Clearly, this is an irrational thought. My emotions get completely blown out of proportion because of the immense pain so logic just flies out of the window. Luckily, I have been training and conditioning my mind to take my emergency pill when this happens and I also attempt to challenge my suicidal thoughts. Once the breakdown ends, I am completely sapped emotionally and physically. I have often wondered if I can ever run out of tears. I cry so much that my entire face swells up. The thoughts and fears are so painful and they seem true to me because the future is so foggy.
     Just by being alone, I feel as if all of my friends will leave me and that I will be left behind. This fear has slowly been eating away at me and I haven't had this fear since the beginning of my depression. Wanting to be accepted and loved is not a unique experience. Every single person who has ever lived has felt this way. I know I am not alone and I often forget that. Nighttime is when my thoughts start to bring me to despair. I feel stuck in a rut while everyone else is having fun. Tears are a regular part of my evenings. Depression has spiked more than usual. There hasn't been a break for a few days now. I stop shaving, I stop eating, I fight back thoughts of death, and I desperately try to keep myself busy before I drown in my own misery. To this day, the thing I want most out of life is a true relationship. I try not to think about it because I have been able to identify which trains of thought lead me towards suicide. When you have clinical depression, you can't afford to be a pessimist. If you stop trying, depression will eventually lead to death if left untreated. I used to think that I could handle it myself but I was too far gone to be making rational decisions. I had already attempted suicide when I thought I could handle myself nearly a year and a half ago.
      The process on forgiveness has been extremely slow and very painful. It goes against every instinct in my body and yet, I must do what the spirit wants. In doing this, I am essentially nailing my flesh violently to the cross. I am going in the right direction; even though it's super slow. I have faith that God will provide me the miracle of forgiveness. It will take a miracle for me to forgive because this is the biggest offense I have ever experienced and it hurts so bad even though it wasn't intentional. My mind often gets consumed with painful memories and accusatory thoughts. It fills me with nearly uncontainable rage and sadness. It quickly drains me of hope and makes me feel even more alone because it's just such a unique circumstance.
        Despite all this pain, giving up is not an option. If I were to give up, the price could be my life. God has plans for me but I have no idea what they are. I pray so hard that these plans include a wife because I cannot walk this life alone. The tears flow every day but I praise God nonetheless. He loves me and has chosen to strengthen me and to grow closer to Him.

Blinded By Pain And Sorrow

    I nearly lost all hope today. I hadn't stopped crying since last night. Suicidal thoughts came on really strong. It feels like it's too big for me to overcome. Everything about my depression hit me at once. I felt like a burden, unattractive, forsaken, unloved, hopeless, and I had a great hatred for myself. I feel so embarrassed and humiliated by not having ever been in a relationship. That's what hurts a lot. And I'm so angry at myself because I'm so socially introverted that I'm too scared to even follow up on a job application. I was just never taught how to function in the real world and that's why I am so behind my peers. I get extremely jealous how my peers can get a relationship so easily while I have failed at every turn. I still don't believe it is possible for me to find someone. I think I'm ugly. I don't think it's possible for anyone to love me in a romantic way. I can give it but I can never receive it.
      Forgiveness is not easy for me to come by. Every time I have confessed to God that I forgive, I cry and shake in pain. I'm finding more and more thoughts of resistance to forgiveness in my mind. Thoughts like, 'Do you really think it's possible to forgive them? They hurt you so badly that it will stay with you for life! They need to answer for what they've done and pay the price!' I talk down my consciousness by refusing to do what it tells me. I am moving forward with my plan of forgiveness, regardless of the pain. I think the more pain I feel, the closer I am to forgiveness.
     Since I am naturally so passive, My mom has given me a solution to remedy that. And it will help with my depression so two birds with one stone. We went to Target and bought a dry eraser board so I can make a to-do list each and every day. I have lost my discipline that I once had in high school. I must regain it. I see this as training for life in the adult world. I look towards the future, and it terrifies me. The thought of school terrifies me for a few reasons. I am extremely uncomfortable with interacting with people I don't know and I am intimidated by them because I have always seen myself as lower than most people. Depression has made self confidence a complete stranger to me. Last time I had confidence in myself, I got hurt so bad. I have been thinking about which direction I want to go and I am interested in theology. What frightens me is that I don't see a spouse in my future whatsoever. That part of my humanity craves companionship and intimacy but I see it as completely out of my reach and reserved only for certain privileged people. I just need to take one step at a time because all of this weighs so heavily on my heart that it brings me to my knees    

"My Grace Is Sufficient For You"

     I am shocked by how much pain I'm in. Last night was...awful. I feel caught off guard. Forgiveness is such a painful thing to come to. Every night and morning, I pray and I confess to God that I forgive those who have broken my heart. I can't help but cry uncontrollably right in the middle of each prayer. I pray so hard that the lord will release me of this burden but all that comes back to me is a verse. 'My grace is sufficient for you.' I cannot possibly describe how much I hurt and how hopeless I feel. I just wanted it all to end last night and I wanted to be with the lord so bad. I was sobbing and screaming for relief. I started to feel as if there was nothing around me but silence and I felt so terribly alone. I miss my friends so much and I want that intimacy that only a relationship can bring but I know that I'm not ready. My energy and happiness is completely  sapped and my eyes are swollen from crying constantly. My heart hurts and it's such a burden. I want to be free. Everything feels so dark. I tried going to sleep in the middle of the night but I woke up extremely angry and upset. It feels as if I forgive in vain. I am so disgusted with myself and ashamed of who I am.
     Despite all this unbelievable pain, I am still going forward with my plan of forgiving every night and every morning. I expect much more crying and sorrow to follow. This has to be done. I have lived to long in bitterness, anger and sorrow. A huge part of me still sees this offense as unforgivable but I am doing the opposite of what I feel nonetheless.  This battle has just started and I could use all the prayers I can get.

Overwhelmed With Pain

    Wow this is really painful. Why is forgiveness so hard? To me, this offense honestly seems impossible for me to overcome because I'm reminded of it every day and it hurts so much. It's so hard to talk about because it's so personal. I just feel wounded and scarred. I definitely can't do this on my own. Not without God. Every time I attempt to draw up as much will as I can to forgive, it feels like I hit a brick wall. My flesh screams out 'NO!' The tension in my head is enormous. I really want to forgive but at the same time I feel so hurt and I feel it more and more as I draw closer to forgiveness. My heart starts to race and I start to breath shallow, quick breaths.
      I was talking to one of my good friends today and I really do need to take a step back and try to see this with a new perspective. It's definitely going to be extremely hard. I need so much prayer right now. I am filled with anger, bitterness, sorrow and resentment


      I have come to an important decision. Jesus tells us to forgive so that is what I'm going to do. No matter how much my flesh resists, I am going to force myself to forgive every night before I go to bed and every morning I wake up. This has had a hold on me for too long and I want to be free and move on. I have begun forgiving and let me tell you, it is one of the hardest things I've done since I've held onto it for ten years. It took every bone in my body and my entire mind to just say, 'I forgive you.' Immediately after I said this I burst into tears. It's as if the dam was opened and all the hurt and anger came rushing out. It was a huge release. I will have to continue to do this many times but the first time is always the hardest. I am doing the complete opposite of what my flesh wants. It wants to hold on and stroke and nurture the pain but I refuse to live like that. It is only because of the holy spirit that I can do this. Forgiveness goes against logic. I am forgiving because God forgave me of inexcusable sins. I must do so no matter how heinous I consider the offense. It's time to stop surrendering to my emotions. It's time to do what the spirit desires and not what I desire.

Facing Your Demons

        I have been really cracking down on my depression for the last couple days. It's so hard to look at your greatest fears, hurts, and sorrows straight in the face. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I'm glad that I've started looking at my issues as they are because even though I haven't accomplished much yet in ways towards healing, I did learn a few things. One, I have been actively denying, ignoring, and suppressing these painful and frightening things. I'm going to have to face them sooner or later so why not begin now? Two, (this one may be obvious but easy to forget) Everyone has fears, hurts and sorrows. I have often felt sorry for myself. I don't care about admitting this because everyone has done this too. Three, these things can be overcome with Jesus' help and only His help. And finally, I need to put my complete faith in Jesus. Too long have I held back parts of my life from Him. Too long have I denied Him control. He knows what's best for me so much more than I do. Who do I think I am? I definitely do not know better than the God of the universe.
        This has been so hard. I find myself literally shaking when I force myself to ponder fully on my issues. The stinging hurts and emotions have come back. Whenever I see a couple I am on the verge of tears. How do I overcome such severe pain and emotional hurt? This is the question that I am trying to find an answer for. The negative thoughts are so harsh, cruel and critical. 'You'll never have someone. You came into this world alone and you'll die alone and forgotten. This question's too big for you to even comprehend the answer. Don't you dare forgive them. If you do that, you have submitted to their will and authority.' When my emotions are all out of whack, these thoughts sound rational to me. I will not give in to these thoughts. I will not stop facing my problems head on until they are resolved once and for all. It's going to be really rough and painful to do this. I have no illusions about this being easy. So far, the thing that has been extremely elusive to me is forgiveness. This is where extreme anger and pain overwhelms me. Nevertheless, I will not stop trying until I reach true forgiveness.
          I am completely turning over my fears of never finding someone for me to God. It's too much for me to bear. This fear has plagued me for years and it often puts me into a trance and it always ends with an enormous amount of pain and tears. God hasn't granted me someone because He knows that I'm not ready. I am too emotionally fragile and I cannot handle it yet. That fact has often gotten me really angry at myself. I should be prepared and I'm sick of waiting. If I keep carrying this burden around, it will destroy me. It's like a ball and chain. Those are the two biggest things of my depression that I am actively attempting to resolve. It will be painful but I know it will bring me so much peace once I am able to finally resolve them. Facing your demons takes courage.

Forgiveness: Not In The Nature Of The Flesh

     Is forgiveness even plausible? True forgiveness? A lot of people think that by forgetting, they are forgiving. This is absolutely not true. I can attest to it personally and I struggle every day with trying to forgive. If you forget the wrong done to you or actively suppress it, it will come back and it will be worse by tenfold. The anger, hurt, bitterness, and betrayal can be absolutely overwhelming. Resentment is a poison and a burden that drags you down. It has had a hold on me for more than half of my life and I feel that the Lord is wanting me to resolve this once and for all. I started a bible study on forgiveness today and that's starting to help me see how withholding forgiveness can slowly destroy you. That doesn't make it any easier to forgive though. I was praying today for the strength to forgive and I found myself literally shaking and crying. I feel like if I forgive, then I'm basically saying that it was right what they did to me. It's an extremely difficult situation because the offenders may not have intentionally harmed me but they did. Severely. It's become a big portion of my depression and I blame them and part of me wants them to pay. Revenge may seem extremely satisfying and we often imagine a great harm befalling the perpetrators but this is of the flesh. You can't just dismiss it and say, 'oh it's human nature. Everyone does it.' I'm starting to realize that I must forgive because Jesus has forgiven me. I know that nothing is hidden from Him but I worry that they'll get away with it. Part of me wants to forgive because I don't want to live with hate but another part of me says 'No! How can you forgive this? You're reminded of it every day and it's stuck with you for life! They need to pay the price!' These two parts of me constantly fight and it feels like I'll be torn in two. To this day, I am still astounded that the offenders would do something like this. I was in denial for a very long time. When I first found out, I was in shock and disbelief. I shut it out for about five years. I have lost the ability to do that because what I didn't realize that even though it was being suppressed, the pain and hurt and anger was multiplying exponentially beneath the surface.
      As a christian, I always found it generally easy to forgive but I have done it so often that I have forgotten how to forgive. This offense completely threw me off balance because it's the biggest offense I've experienced in my life. This is why I began my bible study on forgiveness today. I need to remember how to forgive. Truly forgive. I thought that by saying out loud the words I forgive you would end it but I was just tricking myself. It worked for a time but it always comes back worse. As humans with fallen natures, it is not natural to forgive. Luckily, the Spirit lets us want what it wants; desire what it desires. I want and need to forgive. It will be a long process but it must be done and I definitely need the Lord's help. It is so painful. This is not an everyday petty offense. Anyone can forgive something small and use common sense. This is something I perceive as wicked, ignorant, spiteful, a violation, and a huge cross of boundaries and trust. This is where it truly takes the miracle of forgiveness to heal. I realize that this will mean having to give up my thoughts and my carnal reasoning and enter into God's. As I'm studying, I also realize that as Christians there will definitely be times when our flesh is winning. That's what it feels like for me right now. I'm following the advice of this study when it says that when you have a compulsion in the flesh, do the EXACT OPPOSITE. It will be super hard but with Christ it can be done. It takes a lot of willpower to forgive. Peace and joy will fill me up when I finally truly forgive. I pray that that day is soon

How Faith Is Vital During Depression

       One thing is definitely clear. Without hope and faith during depression, you will just plunge deeper and deeper into pain and sorrow. Is it always easy to have faith? No of course not. It definitely does matter on whom or what you put your faith in. I put my faith and trust in Jesus Christ and no one else. If you put your faith in anything else then you will be let down. I guarantee it. I put my faith in finding a spouse in the past and I was let down. Hard. It still hurts a LOT to this day so I have chosen to block it out until I can learn how to cope and deal with it. Everything in my life that I have tried to control has either failed or let me down. I think this is God's way of teaching me to depend and trust in only Him. I still have a lot to learn because something I've discovered is that patience is an integral part of trusting God. This is one of my weaknesses because I want the pain to end NOW and I want a spouse NOW. But that is not how things work. I have to focus on myself.
         I will grow in faith and I will pray that God helps me with my inward battles. Even if I cant fully comprehend what's bothering me, God knows. Dealing with resentment and forgiveness can be difficult. It can be especially difficult to deal with if you perceive the offense as the largest you've ever experienced. If you know me well, you may ask me what this resentment is centered on. I've struggled with it for the majority of my life. It's so hard to even pray about because I can't find the words to pray and then I burst into tears. It's just been unbelievably painful. I am reminded of it every day and will remain with me until the day I die. It often enrages me and my breathing becomes noticeably heavier. Even when I'm driving, I'll start gripping the wheel in frustration and anger. I know that God is fully able to relieve me of this burden but it's just hard not knowing when. It has given severe trust issues. I consider the offense very serious and a complete breach of boundaries and trust. Why must this particular issue affect me so much and what purpose does it serve in my life? I haven't the foggiest idea but one thing I do know is that I have to get it resolved because if I don't, it will eat me alive and harden my heart. I've always thought of myself as a forgiving person but maybe I am wrong. Maybe that is yet another one of my weaknesses. If so, then it is definitely something I must practice to grow stronger.  I have been in depression for so long that I have often thought to myself, 'this is life. Life is pain.' Jesus never promises an easy life. In fact, He tells us the opposite. Just because life is hard, it doesn't mean that you have to go through it alone. Jesus is there to help us and our reward for enduring shall be great. Spreading the joy of the gospel to others easily makes me feel fulfilled. I could care less about being rich and making it to the top. Everything you gain in this life will be lost once you die. Deeds are important but it's not what gets you into heaven. Confessing your sins and putting your faith in Gods only begotten son Jesus Christ is what gets you into heaven. It definitely requires humility to accept that you are a sinner. Remember, God does not compare us to other people. He compares us to Himself and He is perfect. If you think that you can get into heaven by deeds alone then you will be making a fatal mistake. A mistake that you will pay for eternity. If you wished to be judged by deeds, then that's how God will judge you. You would have to be perfect to pass and only one person in the history of time has been perfect and his name is Jesus Christ. He offers you the free gift of eternal life. I say that that's a pretty good deal. Not only that, but you'll be with your creator! He loves you with a love that we as human beings cannot comprehend.
   

How I Came To Know Christ

      My journey with Christ is definitely a long one. I first asked Jesus into my heart when I was about five or six. I vaguely remember being very excited the next day and telling all my friends what Christ did for us. Looking back, I don't think I completely understood what Christ did and what that meant for me. When we're little kids, we believe anything that are parents tell us. As pastor Justin Peters said, 'There's a difference between childlike faith and childish faith.' There are so many religions with so many different philosophies. A person who isn't well disciplined or has little to no discernment will easily be drawn in by all these teachings and be blown to and fro like dust in the wind. I admit that I was very naive when I was younger. But first let me explain how I was spiritually from age six to twelve. I remember hating going to church every Sunday.  I felt like my parents were forcing me to do things that I didn't want to do. Again, looking back, my parents were just trying to help me grow in faith. I consider my dad the spiritual authority of our household and that's the way it should be. I'm an extremely shy person so when it came time for me to go to Sunday school, I never interacted with any of the other kids in class. I admit that I had no interest in the bible whatsoever and I saw Sunday school as the most boring thing ever. My mind was always elsewhere when the Sunday school teachers were teaching the lesson (I usually thought about my favorite show Power Rangers or Mario kart!). Looking back, I wouldn't consider myself saved. I considered Christianity as a ritual. You go to church every Sunday, and then you forget about it until next Sunday. I saw faith as something that was inactive and I just went with the motions for a long time.
      When I was twelve and I started middle school, that's when the rogue winds of life started to hit me. I was used to having one teacher and one class like in elementary. Having a schedule and having to go to all these different classes really threw me off and I couldn't cope with it. This was also the time when a girl I was really emotionally invested in had cut off our friendship. I plunged into a deep depression and I ceased to care about school. My grades dropped to the point where I was failing every single class and I became suicidal. I was desperate for comfort and love because I was yelled at a lot by my parents for failing and I cried every day. This is where I came back to my faith and really started examining my relationship with Christ. Am I truly saved? I also felt a need to know where history was going. I didn't completely understand the bible and I thought the world was just going to go on forever. I would then ask myself, 'If this world does go on forever, then what's the point in Jesus dying for our sins?'. This question was answered within that week. I have a very vague memory of walking into wal mart with my mom and sister. This was when the Left Behind series was the craze and very famous. I overheard my sister talking excitedly to my mom about what she was reading and how the antichrist was going to rule the world and so on and so forth. I had never heard this before so it scared the living daylights out of me.I became obsessed with the end times from age twelve to eighteen. (While the Left Behind series is fascinating to read, it is still just fiction. The book of Revelation is very difficult to interpret. One thing that all Christians should agree on is that history is going somewhere and that Jesus WILL return).
      Realizing that history is being directed by God was a huge boost for my faith. By the time I hit high school, I genuinely professed to God that I was a sinner and that I placed my faith in His son Jesus Christ. I was still obsessed with the end times and I got easily frustrated because I wanted to know exactly what was going to happen in the end and there were so many different theories and interpretations. Still, other things started to concern me as I went through High school. I kept hearing warnings in church that when people hit college, they forsake the faith and that it was an increasing trend. I told myself that I would never let go of Jesus and I didn't want that to be my fate. I wanted to have a genuine relationship with Jesus and not one that I would just go to Him in times of trouble, but also in the good times too. I started to question everything that school taught me as well. I am extremely skeptical of evolution. History provides plenty of support for God and the Resurrection. It's as real as any other event. We have more records of Jesus than we do of Caesar! The bible encourages us to test all things. In history class, we came to the subject of Christianity. The teacher was explaining how the bible is all purely symbolic and can't be taken literally. I immediately thought, 'that's wrong'. If Jesus' resurrection is just symbolic, then we are all worshiping in vain and we will all die in our sins. Today's world hates 'intolerance' and the world accepts that there are many paths to God. The bible is absolutely clear that there is but ONE way to God. ' No one gets to the Father without me.' 'I am the way, the truth, and the life'. These are the words of Jesus and I believe them completely.
     Once I graduated and left school, things went downhill for me from there. I was becoming increasingly lonely and depression was getting worse with each passing day. I tried to get into a relationship with my best friend and failed. This lead to further depression. Looking back, I wonder if I was actually in love with her or if I just liked the idea of being with her, or if it was a very strong infatuation. I hit a vital point in my walk with Christ after my first suicide attempt. I was in the emergency room, lying on a gurney with my arms bloody and tears pouring down my face. I felt that I had been completely cut of from God and that He was refusing to help me. My best friend whom I went front range with definitely impacted me spiritually and has been  a positive influence in my life. She made me realize that I was depending on myself and not on God. I had strayed. I still struggle with trusting God but it's a matter of the will. I am willing myself to trust the Lord. I used to think that I had to be in a 'trusting mood'.
      I see that God is using my depression to teach me to trust completely in Him and I praise Him for that. I remember thinking that my faith wasn't growing at all and I would pray for Him to help me grow. He definitely granted my prayer, but in an unexpected, rather clever way. The way God works makes me smile sometimes. He is teaching humility every time I sin. I am still amazed that He forgives me each and every day even though I am such a screw up. I was recently very angry with God but He has answered me in the most subtle of ways. I thought I knew His plan for me and I didn't like it. I was being stubborn, selfish, and even prideful for thinking I knew God's plan for me. The truth is, I have no idea. It's unfair for me to completely discount a future where I will have a spouse because I don't know what the future holds. For now, I am going to concentrate on growing in faith with my savior. I have much to learn and I am excited to see what God has planned for me.
      

The Void

     Things have improved spiritually for me. My anger and frustration towards God is fading. My sister helped me see that I really don't have any idea what God's plan for me is so it's dangerous for me to assume. Now I just feel empty. I hate this feeling because it feels like....there's nothing left. It's not just want of a relationship that gnaws at me. It's loneliness in general. It's like a huge void and it hurts really bad. To tell the truth, I still don't hold out much hope for a relationship. That feels like a far off fantasy. I still can't believe that I deceived myself into thinking that I actually had a chance. Nothing hurts like false hope.
     Why am I this way? Why can't I be content with what I have? Why do I have this constant need to be in a relationship so that I feel loved? I honestly wish I didn't feel this way because it's making me miserable. I didn't go to college for a few reasons but one of the biggest reasons is because I was scared. Scared of being forced to interact with people and thinking of what I was going to say, scared of failing and especially scared of having to climb up the social hierarchy again. I can't do that. I won't. I'm easily intimidated by large groups of people. I feel like I'm not good enough to interact with them. It takes an enormous amount of effort for me to introduce myself to somebody. When I took music appreciation class, I avoided eye contact with everyone and kept my mouth shut. Even getting a job makes me extremely nervous but I know I have to do it. Being socially introverted is one of the biggest things that I hate about myself. Because of being socially introverted, I become passive in general. That has been magnified tenfold with the arrival of my depression.
      It is a good thing that my anger has left me because that means that I can depend and lean on God again. That's the only way I'm going to get through this. I am a super impatient man and I don't want to come out of depression without learning to have some measure of patience. If I don't learn patience, then I'll just be going through this life waiting for tomorrow and not living in the moment. There's going to be pain. There's going to be suffering. Once I come out of depression, I will be prepared for the sorrows that life has to bring so I won't be caught off guard. It won't always be like this. Life is just for a season

Past, Present And Future

     I have noticed that to this day, I still suppress painful things that I have experienced. This is a bad thing to do because my mental barriers have been breaking down ever since I started having depression. When the barriers break down, the painful experiences seep back into my mind. When I start to notice that, it really startles me because it's something I usually haven't thought of for a week or more. It completely overwhelms me and I sometimes get suicidal thoughts. I can't face these painful experiences because I don't have a solution for them.
       I have done things in the past that shame me. Cutting is one of those things. I didn't cut just to cut. I wanted to hit an artery and bleed to death. I bear many scars on my arm to this day. They are easily visible in direct sunlight. Do I hate these scars? Not really. I don't see it as something to be ashamed of. I see it as something I've overcome and survived. In the past, depression was so severe that I wished I were dead daily. It was a miserable existence. Today, I still struggle with suicidal thoughts but I have the means of which to fight them. I challenge my thoughts with scripture. Sometimes, it's as if God just puts scripture in my mind. I sometimes remember verses that I never studied and yet, they comfort me.
      Something else that brings me deep shame embarrassment, and sadness are my attempts at getting a mate. I failed every single time. I honestly don't know how to deal with this. I get extremely angry and upset when I think of this and I struggle with anger towards God. I feel as if He doesn't want me to get a girlfriend. This was like a complete slap in the face. I've given up in trying to get a girlfriend because I no longer believe that it is possible for me to be loved in that way. I block it out because I fear the pain it causes. I can't even talk about it without my voice getting shaky. I cry whenever I try to talk about it.
       I feel as if I have lost direction. I'm scared of where God wants to lead me because I'm afraid that it will be a lonely road. I know that my anger at God isn't right. I pray for His forgiveness every day and then I burst into tears. I feel like nobody can help me in this battle because it's no longer just an emotional battle. It's spiritual as well. Jesus is the most valuable thing I have and I'm not giving Him up. My faith has definitely been under enormous strain as of late and that scares me to death because I've never been tested on this great of magnitude before. I feel stuck in place because I feel as if the devil is using this opportunity to attack my faith.
      In our culture, it seems looked down upon if people look to the past. It's always, 'Look forward to the future and forget the past. Never look back.' I have found this to be extremely dangerous advice because if you ignore the past, how can you possibly be prepared for the future? The past has made us who we are today. If we don't learn from our own past, then we will most certainly repeat it. I know I have and I felt like a complete fool. An important way we grow is that we learn from our mistakes. There will be pain in the future. If there was no pain and adversity, how would you grow? You cannot grow as a person and you cannot grow in your faith without trials and adversity. It's one of the ways how God works. I know that if I hadn't been in depression, this world would have crushed me and swallowed me. In adversity, you have a choice. You can either learn from your pain or run away from it. If you run away, I promise you that it will catch up to you and hit you twice as hard. I've made that mistake with my resentment my entire life. It was so extremely painful for me to face that I either blocked it out or ran away from it. Nobody can outrun their problems forever. I feel as if God has stopped me from running and said, 'Hey, it's time for you to deal with this and overcome it. I am with you. God is so great. Even in my foolish anger and frustration, He never abandons me. That makes me ashamed of how I have acted. But it's how you learn. Life Goes on. With or without you. It's relentless and pitiless.You have to persevere.
      The future is so clouded and uncertain. When I do try to look forward, I only see heartbreak and pain. I'm not looking forward to anything in general anymore. It feels so dark. Because I've given up hope in ever finding someone, I don't really look forward to many things anymore and it feels like I lost all hope and my goals. I feel paralyzed and scared. Something else that scares me is that everything that has befallen me is my doing. This is a battle that I do not know to fight or win. Another thing that has me worried is that I know my therapist will be of no help in this area. It's between me and God.
      I think I'm running out of options. I need to find some way to cope with this and quickly. I'm still in shock that my faith is being attacked so suddenly and severely. Worst of all, that is of my own doing as well. The only thing I can think of is for fellow Christians to pray for me because I am completely overwhelmed. This isn't something I can block out or run away from. This is much more important than the other trials I face. Hopefully things will start looking up soon. I have doubts. Doubts as to if I'll ever be happy again. At least in this life. Everything I've tried to make myself happy has either not gone the way I thought it would or has failed. Maybe God's taking away all my options so that I can learn to depend on Him. But my parents keep telling me that I have to make my own way in the world. If that's true, then how is it possible to rely completely on God? Or are my parents wrong? I definitely have been stubborn and I've tried to make my own way. My way is clearly not the right way. Jesus is carrying me through this pain at this point because I don't have the strength to walk it alone.