The Grim Reality Of Suicide

      Depression doesn't just affect the victim. It affects all those around him is as well. The emotional pain that accompanies suicidal thoughts is indescribable. Physical pain is more preferable than the emotional pain that accompanies a suicide attempt because you can at least be given medication for the pain. There is no relief for emotional pain other than time. I have struggles with suicide on and off for nearly a year. I am proud to say that I have not experienced a single fleeting suicidal thought for a month and a half now. I felt dead for a long time. I was shaking constantly and I was often weeping. There comes a point where your emotional reserves become completely drained and then you are faced with a a choice that has only one solution. You must escape the pain. Instead of doing something drastic, I would often choose to go to sleep. However, what you are thinking about before you go to sleep often creeps into your dreams. I spent a lot of time thinking about 'what if' scenarios such as my funeral. For more than half my depression, I often spent much of my time with things dealing with death. I thought about finalizing my will, how I would kill myself, and I even decided that I would want to be cremated.   
         Statistics show that men tend to use more violent means of suicide than women. However, women are three times as likely to attempt suicide than men but men are more likely to succeed in their attempts more than women. I would often brainstorm how I would die. I thought about stabbing myself, driving up to the mountains and then jumping off a cliff, you name it, I thought of it. I even had a list. The reality of it was that I wanted to die but I was scared of the pain accompanying it. When you're clinically depressed, the majority of your thoughts are focused on yourself. There came a time when I started thinking about other people who have committed suicide. This is what I have learned. The person who commits suicide isn't the only victim. Suicide has a huge impact on the community. Friends and loved ones are baffled and don't know how to deal with their grief. There have even been cases where some of the close family members would become suicidal as well. In a way, suicide is contagious. Many people become depressed because they don't know how to deal with the loss and they often either blame themselves or get really angry with the person who committed suicide.
        If you have a suicide note, I would urge you to rip it up and snap yourself back to reality. I will also say this. Anyone who is thinking of suicide NEEDS therapy. I almost made the mistake of believing that I could deal with it on my own but a close friend of mine convinced me to talk to my family about it. That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. My parents were baffled and they didn't even know I was depressed because I am a person who hides their emotions and feelings from others. If you are depressed and suicidal, you may feel truly alone but I assure you, you are not. Friends and family will be there to support you. Even though I knew my friends and family supported me, I still felt a huge emptiness. I wasn't trusting God at all and I felt like he was powerless to help me and that he didn't hear me. I realize now how irrational I was. God answered my prayer when I asked him to make my depression go away. His response was similar to this: 'No but I will never leave you and never forsake you.' This has taught me to put my faith and my trust in God. Even when I was in the midst  of weeping, when it goes against all your instincts to pray, I prayed and put my faith in God and He answered each and every time. My shaking slowed and my tears stopped and I felt reassured. I am still in the middle of depression and I am actively suppressing any suicidal thoughts and tendencies. My therapist said it will be a while before these suicidal thoughts go away since I've thought about them for so long. The only reason I see this life as something worth living is because God has assured me that he has a plan. All else is vanity. Something I've also recently discovered is that I love leading people closer to Christ. It truly is fulfilling and fills me with joy.
         As Christians, we have advantages during depression that other people don't have. We have the power of prayer. It gives me hope because a segment of scripture always comes to my mind. "Do not mourn as those who have no hope." Even if my depression is lifelong, I know that it won't cross over with me into eternity. I truly have no fear of death but I also have no desire to end my life by my own hand. It is by the grace of God that I live to write this today and this is my story.