Hope

       I am experiencing spiritual growth and peace that I have never experienced before in my life. My depression is still there but when I'm in a normal mood, it feels muted, silenced. I truly rejoice in my trials because the book of James says it's a time where the Lord can teach us. Praise God in whatever you do. I remember that this phrase used to be so foreign to me and it didn't make sense. Two nights ago, I was weeping because I was in so much emotional pain but for the first time I gave thanks to God because he has taught me so much throughout this depression.
         "Whatever is: true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy, think about such things." I have thought of nothing but Jesus and heaven for the past few days. I don't expect my depression to just disappear. And that is perfectly fine with me because it has been a time where my relationship with Christ has expanded tenfold.
        I am finally starting to understand what it means to put Christ first and let him control your life. It may be simple but it is definitely not easy. The area in my life that I've had extreme difficulty surrendering to Him is finding a companion, a wife. I never trusted him to watch over this area but I finally started letting go two nights ago. God really does know what's best and if He deems that I shall have a wife later in life rather than now, then so be it. Or maybe I won't have one in this life. As painful as that thought is, I still accept it as a possibility. There are many ways that God can use me while I'm single. It's all for His glory, not mine. I realized that this is an area that I don't have complete control over and God knows what's best for me. It is honestly a huge weight off of my body now that I've begun the process of surrendering my life completely to Jesus. To know that God's watching over my life and guiding my footsteps is a huge relief and comfort. I still severe emotional pain from being lonely but something that has helped is to hang out with friends and get out of the house. I see my entire depression as me being under God's instruction and I honestly crave to learn more and to grow closer to Him. I've begun a habit of desperately clinging to God. Whether it be in good times or bad. Praise God in whatever you do. I accept that I am a sinner and I will forget to praise Him many times that's okay. He will forgive me. Through Christ, we are free from the Condemnation of The Law and we are free to follow him. Through his Holy Spirit, we become more like him