I am still shaken from my last psychiatrist session from two days ago. It's made me realize a lot of things. There is absolutely no going back to the way things were. I am no longer the person I once was. That Alex, in a way, died after my first suicide attempt. I strongly believe that God is using my depression as a way of making me stronger and more like Christ. I have a thirst to read the bible like I never did before. I understand things about Jesus now that just didn't click for me before my depression. My very personality has changed dramatically and for the better. Before, I admit that I was callous and oblivious to other people's suffering but now it honestly pains me to see people going through so much hardship. I would do anything within my power to help them. Before, I was proud and boastful. But now, what is there to boast about? I am no better than anyone on this earth. We are all sinners.
Even my humor has been affected. Before, I found humor in such crude and dirty jokes. I found humor in really vulgar and rude jokes as well. When my depression hit, all humor left my life. Everything was dark. Even though I am still in the midst of depression, I have regained some of my sense of humor but it is extremely different. I no longer find humor in such vulgar jokes or situations. Yes, I will still make very nerdy jokes from time to time but lately my mind has been focused on God.
I have gone from a callous, cold and uncaring person to a more sensitive and loving person. I accept that I am still a sinner and that I will make many more mistakes but it is a comfort knowing that Jesus has already forgiven me. That is something that I still have trouble wrapping my head around. Truthfully, I don't think anyone can fully grasp just how wonderful this is. Something I've done my whole life is the habit of stuffing my emotions deep down in my subconscious and I foolishly thought they were gone. I felt that it was the one thing in life that I had control over. When depression unexpectedly came upon me, I lost complete control of my emotions and it scared me to death. It still does sometimes. I would cry for no apparent reason and I would cry in front of people. Now if you know me, then you know that I hate to reveal my emotions and cry in front of people. I realize now that emotions are nothing to be ashamed of. I must let them out and vent if I am to get better. I am still learning this and it has been very difficult for me because I have no idea how to confront my emotions. It is very foreign to me. I think at this point it is something that I must give over to God because it is beyond my capability. I still have so much to learn.
I have also learned that it is possible for depression to go into a sort of 'remission' or hibernation. It went away for nearly a month and I was happy and smiling but deep down, I still felt it. I knew it was there, it was only suppressed. It came back with a vengeance on valentine's day. I cannot overcome depression until I have learned everything that God needs me to learn. Until that time, I am under His authority and His guidance.
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