I would honestly trade all of my possessions just to stop the pain. And yet, I realize that this pain is necessary. This is my first real trial in adulthood. It's pushed me beyond my spiritual, physical, and emotional limits. Depression has changed my life. I am no longer the same person I was. The only choice I have is to move forward. I am stronger spiritually than I once was and I am very thankful for that. That's the most important part of me that needs to grow. The emotional part of me continues to scream in agony. One of my problems is that I emotionally invest way too much in a person and when they fail me, it destroys me. This is something I just realized on valentines day. I am constantly on watch for potential girlfriends and when I find some promising candidates, I involuntarily begin pouring everything I have into them emotionally. I have learned the hard way that this is extremely dangerous for all aspects of my well being. Even just a few days ago on valentines, it brought me to the brink of suicide. I break down physically and emotionally. My whole body starts heaving and then tears stream down my face. It was a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing so I hastily wrote out a suicide note. Right as I finished writing it, I sat and stared at it for a few moments. What was happening to me didn't feel real. I was in denial. I was thinking, "How could this have happened to me again?? I'm right back where I started!!" I tore up the note in frustration and took my medication.
I am still in extreme pain today and I constantly have to choke down tears. I admit that I am extremely frustrated with everything. It amazes me how some people can just so casually get a boyfriend/girlfriend and me on the other hand, I have to fight with everything I got just to get one. One thing I do know for sure is that I will have to remain in depression until I learn everything that God wants me to learn. How long will this take? I honestly have no idea. I am constantly in severe emotional pain but this pain is vital for growth. I've been told by many people now that I have to stop putting all my hope and trust in finding a girlfriend for my happiness and learn how to depend on the Lord. This is the hardest lesson for me. I am not a patient person at all. I want everything now. It just frustrates me so much to be stuck in depression and watch the world move on. It's extremely hard to rejoice when you're depressed. But I've made it a force of habit to thank Jesus for what I'm going through even when I'm wailing and in tears from so much pain. Depression has truly taught me to be humble. I will never again assume that I am exempt from any kind of suffering. Depression has also given me a desire to help people who are going through much pain. It is something I have already begun to do. I hate seeing other people go through pain like this. It tears me up inside; especially when I can't do much to help them. I don't offer people hollow advice like 'It gets better' or 'this too will pass'. If you say that to someone in severe depression, I can pretty much guarantee you that they will not believe it. The best counsel I have to offer is to lean on God and change your perspective on your suffering. Yes, there will be times when you completely forget this advice because of the severe pain you're in but you must make it a habit to instill these things in your mind. Force yourself to dwell on happy things. This is where Christians have an advantage because we are commanded not to despair like those who have no hope. I see this life as nothing but a test and I see it for what it is. It's a world full of sorrow and strife and people trying to find their own way to be happy. Believe me when I tell you that all is vanity. I am no longer the materialistic person I once was. Sure, the occasional movie will keep me amused for a time but I know that this fleeting pleasure will fade. Set your mind on things that are eternal. This is much easier said than done but my depression is pushing me to have a mindset like this. God wants us to be happy but we do not deserve to be happy. We must accept that we live in a fallen world and Satan is it's ruler. The good thing is that this world is temporary. It will not always be like this. We are just travelers passing through this world. Those who belong to the world belong to Satan. Some of you may think this is a bold or harsh statement but I tell you now, there is no middle ground. You're either for or against God. It's not enough to believe in God. Even the demons believe in God and they tremble at this thought. There will come a time when you will have to choose your allegiance and this will determine your behavior and happiness. I made my choice to serve Christ long ago but it is now that it's being put to the test. No matter what happens, I will not let go of my God. He is the only thing that is everlasting and true in this world. Even if you're depressed for much of this life, it will not last forever. There is hope
No comments:
Post a Comment