The following are entry is from my journal. I cried while writing it.
2/26/12
Life is nothing but a cruel joke. I've reached my wit's end and I'm done fighting. My whole life, I've looked for a girl and what do I get? Nothing but sever pain, rejection, and humiliation. I beg God daily to take my life. My life isn't valuable to me. I hate it. I don't have the will to end my own life. I am a coward. It's a curse and I question my purpose in life. I see no end in sight to this depression and the desires of my heart will never be granted. It's not like I'm asking for a million dollars. I'm only asking for a woman of my own whom I can love and cherish. I see nothing but darkness ahead. Death is honestly preferable than this agonizing heartbreak. Every night I sleep, I wake up every hour and I burst into tears from emotional pain. There is no respite from this day or night. This is hell in every sense of the word. I feel inferior to everyone and I feel denied of any chance for a relationship. That's what hurts the most. I see people break up from a relationship and then literally the next day, they find another person to be with. This baffles me. How the hell is this possible??? Am I too ugly? Am I stupid? I'm done with this.
I have been extremely angry and fed up lately. I was thinking of suicide while I was writing this but I decided to take my emergency medicine and went to sleep. I still woke up every hour in pain. I've been weeping for a day and a half now and the only prayer I can come up with is, "help". I believe that it will honestly take a miracle to get me through this
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