When I first thought of ending my life, it startled me. I started to text friends more often for comfort. That is when the friend I went to class with told me this: "I'm gonna go ahead and say that you need professional help." I thought I was going crazy. Surely I couldn't be that forgone? I was in complete denial of the situation and I told her that it's not too late and I can fix this on my own. If it hadn't been for her insisting that I tell my family what was going on with me, then I would definitely be dead. I'm the kind of person who shares his problems with friends because I always felt that my family overreacts. Needless to say, I was scared to death of telling my family how depressed I was. I knew my friend was right though so I walked in my house. I still remember this moment very vividly. My sister was sitting on the couch reading. She looked up, smiled and said, 'What's up Al?' At that moment I collapsed on the couch next to her and burst into tears. I was still scared of telling my family EVERYTHING that was going on so I just told her that I was really depressed. My parents came down and asked what was wrong. My dad isn't used to these kind of situations and didn't know what to do so my mom and sister told him to leave. It was decided that they would set up a doctor's appointment for me. It was tuesday and the appointment was friday. My mom asked me if I could hold on that long and I thought I could. But I was dead wrong.
That night was the scariest and most horrific night of my life. I was feeling so alone and I desperately wanted a girlfriend. I wanted to be loved and I felt that I was not getting that. I remember being on facebook and I contacted one of my friends. She was going to metro at the time. I told her that I had never been more scared in my life and she told me to calm down and take deep breaths. She told me to go have some milk and cookies and to be around family. I was extremely irrational at this point and did not do as she recommended which is something I regret because I could have avoided this unbelievable amount of pain that I was about to endure. It was 7 pm and by this point, I was constantly shaking and crying. Constant negative thoughts and severe doubts rushed into my mind and it frightened me because for the first time in my life, I could not control my thoughts or my emotions. Thoughts like, "I'm just a burden to everyone. What girl would want to be with the likes of me?" This opened the gateway for progressively darker thoughts such as "I am a mistake. I must be punished. Every girl would laugh at how pathetic I am." And finally, an unending stream of suicidal thoughts entered my mind and they were quite persuasive. It honestly seemed logical to me at the time. "I want to shrivel up and die. This life isn't worth living without a girl I can love and where they can love me back. It's impossible for a girl to love me for what I am." I started to frantically look around my room, my face red and swollen from crying. "I must find something, anything sharp. Sharp enough to pierce flesh and long enough to plunge into my chest." I opened my closet door and on the floor lay a very sharp twelve inch dagger. I picked it up and put it on my bed. I couldn't die without telling someone. I still remember the text I sent to my friend at metro. It went something like this. "Goodbye. I'm off to be with the lord. This life has lost it's value to me and I can't bear to be a part of it for another second."
With the text message sent, and tears streaming down my face, I grabbed the dagger and knelt on the floor. I mere words cannot describe the pain and agony I felt in this moment. Imagine a dark veil pulled over your vision. That is how I saw the world. I examined every possible way out of my despair but I was emotionally compromised to think clearly and I foresaw only excruciating pain in every direction I turned. I closed my eyes and put the dagger upon my chest I took a deep breath and all of the sudden, I kid you not, I heard a voice. A whisper. There was nobody on the top floor of my house. I was alone. But the voice kept repeating, "stop. wait. Help is coming." five seconds later, my phone rang. It was my friend from metro. I shakily picked up my phone and asked in a shaky voice, "Hello?" Her voice was like honey. It was so sweet. She reassured me that everything would be fine and right before she hanged up she said, "I love you Alex." I told her that I loved her too. She hung up. Fresh sobs rose in my throat and I cried aloud. I had not thought it possible that anyone could love me. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. I tossed the dagger under my bed and sat crying for another half an hour.
Suicide has a profound effect upon the mind. It completely drains your emotional reserves and worst of all, it drains your hope and cuts you off from others. After that attempt, I lost all confidence in myself and I labeled myself as weak-willed. I have often said that I prefer physical pain over emotional pain. This is because you can numb physical pain but you must endure the sorrows of emotional pain. I do believe that whisper I heard was Jesus speaking to me. I had completely forgotten everything spiritual. I felt cut off from God and I felt that he had forsaken me. It took me another 10 months to put my trust in the Lord. I felt so broken that I thought I couldn't be repaired. Love truly does heal. It just takes time. Learn to lay down your burdens to the Lord and he will help you. He will grant you rest. I had help, but this was only the beginning of my tribulations
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