Looking back now, I remember thinking that before the suicide attempts and depression, I thought that I would never ever attempt suicide. I saw people who had attempted suicide as people who were seriously ill and I thought that it only happened to some people. God has definitely humbled me and taught me that I am not immune to the rogue winds of life. I was overconfident and too comfortable in my bubble of security. I now accept the fact that every single person is vulnerable to any kind of pain. Near the end of my senior year in high school, I started to break down emotionally. I saw it as just an isolated incident but it got worse as time went by. A lot worse. I took everything in my life for granted and I went on living a normal life until 2011. Starting in January, everything seemed normal and routine. I was working at goodwill, my family and I got along fine, I was even enrolling in a class at front range with a close friend. I am the kind of person who is scared to death of stepping outside my comfort zone. Enrolling in college scared me to death, even though it was only one class. I had no experience with doing these kind of things on my own which I am ashamed to admit. My friend had to help me enroll. This is about the second week into January and I had no idea that depression was taking root. Clinical depression is extremely insidious. I just disregarded how I was feeling as stress. But the truth is that stress and depression often go hand-in-hand. I started to feel extremely lonely and empty. I was desperately trying to find ways of feeling this huge, gaping void.
I spent much time trying to keep in contact with all my friends constantly every day. It got worse and worse and it started to show. I stopped eating and began losing LOTS of weight. I often send texts to my friend with whom I was taking a class. She definitely noticed I was getting worse and did everything in her power to help me. I admit, I was very stubborn and I didn't think she could help me or that anyone could help me. Looking back, I am truly touched by the ways she has helped me. I wouldn't be the same person without her. I feel like God was speaking through her to me and I was too arrogant to listen. She gave me encouragement from scripture and I just started weeping because I felt that I did not deserve God's and that He was disappointed in me. I kept Him at arm's length because I was scared to let Him control my life. As I kept my distance from Him, I slowly started to disregard and push away those closest to me. I became paranoid and scared to death and I literally thought that I was going to have a psychotic break. These are the effects of clinical depression. It cuts you off from everything and everyone you enjoy and wraps you in the cold despair of loneliness. I am extremely ashamed of how I reacted and of how I treated my closest friends. I only hope that they can forgive me. The depression kept getting worse and worse until it came to a crucial point: The formation of suicidal thoughts.
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