There are new challenges ahead for me. I am really scared because I've known it would come back to haunt me later in life. There is good news, however. I had a very important psychologist meeting today and it helped me see the path I must take. He said that it is a good sign that I am constantly fighting my emotions and good that I burst into tears daily. This helps to release a lot of built up tension and I react by getting really frustrated and angry. My psychologist said this is a way of my mind and body saying to my depression, 'enough. Stop'. I finally have the will to roll up my sleeves and fight my depression and challenge my negative thoughts.
My psychiatrist also said that these feelings of extreme loneliness, loss, and frustration will take a while to go away. I have felt that I'm stuck in place while my friends and the rest of the world moves on without me. I still feel like that. I have a strong sense of a hole in my heart due to lack of intimacy. That is the single, solitary thing that is strongest in my depression. I would give all my possessions away for a romantic relationship and this is not something that I state lightly. It is the ultimate desire of my heart and I am extremely embarrassed and ashamed to say that I have never experienced a relationship. I used to lie ALL the time about having a girlfriend because it was unthinkable to me for anyone to know I have never had that experience. I struggle with it daily and do everything I can to keep it from diminishing me. The last time I attempted to get into a relationship, it broke my heart and shattered my confidence. Today, I hold very little hope of ever finding my soul mate. I am working on changing that but it is a great challenge.
Another thing that has me very down is loneliness of a different form. This past week, I have been craving the company of friends, so that I wouldn't be alone and so I wouldn't constantly suffer from heartache. It's strange. When I'm downstairs watching a movie with my parents, I almost feel as if depression was never there. Or as if it's being suppressed. When I go back upstairs however, the depression rushes back and I find myself literally gasping for breath and on the verge of tears. More and more, I am finding that I need something constant, something that's always there so I can be happy. I know that a girlfriend isn't going to fulfill all my emotional needs but to tell you the truth, I honestly don't care. I want that experience. I've looked for happiness in my friends and I have found it to be insufficient. Don't get me wrong, I love them to death but my sister helped me realize that they won't always be there for me. I am seeing more and more that in this world, I need to find my own happiness. Depression has made me see how cruel and unforgiving life can be. And unfortunately, I think depression has permanently dimmed my view on life. For much of my school years and my short time in adulthood, I have experienced much pain and suffering and I hear much about the world's pain and suffering as well as the suffering of my friends. A good thing about depression is that it hasn't completely hardened me. I am sensitive to other people's pain and suffering more than ever. Now that I have experienced it, I can't stand to see people suffer. As for suicide, I wrote down a promise in my journal that I will forever take a stand against it. I will never take my own life. There are other ways to numb the pain. The bible helps as does certain medications. However, medications are not a cure-all. They will not take away your painful feelings and emotions and they will not take away your depression. They only serve to make depression bearable.
My direction I must take to get better is to get involved with society and find a job. Now, I have been looking for one for a year now but much of the reason why don't have one is because I have an intense fear of talking to people I don't know. I never initiate conversation with strangers. In fact, it was my friends who first started conversation with me. If they hadn't, then I would have little to no friends. I am an extremely shy person. In school, I NEVER raised my hand unless I had to. One of my good friends whom I went to front range with can attest to that. I never went to social gatherings and I never went to parties. I did go to youth group occasionally but I always stood at the back in a corner. I've been shy my whole life and it's something I hate about myself. It is the thing that is keeping me from moving forward. It's one of my biggest demons that I face but I am determined to conquer it. That is the new face of my depression. I may still have depression for a while, but God can use this time to mold me into the person that he wants me to be.
No comments:
Post a Comment