Isolation And self Criticism

      I have felt isolated for some time. Sometimes I just feel like a zombie and many times I feel alone and unloved. The pain is so crippling. Especially when all I see around me are couples. I have found that if I let these thoughts stay in my mind, then it will plunge me into a deep depression and quickly lead me to suicidal thoughts. Constantly, for the past couple weeks now, my thoughts have consisted of this: 'Why is this so difficult? Is it my destiny to be single? Why do I feel so emotionally cut off and estranged from so many people?'  This in turn quickly leads to suicidal thoughts such as, "I wish I had a gun with me so I could end it all." I feel to weak to fight these thoughts so I just shut them out and suppress them. I know that they will come back and that I will have to face them. I just pray that I have the strength to overcome these thoughts and feelings. The feelings come on so strong that my chest gets constricted and I fight to choke back tears. I get angry and frustrated because I have these feelings of pain, loss, and loneliness and that in turn just ends up fueling my depression.
        There comes a time when there is nothing that you can do but wait it out and pray. I've prayed more in my depression than I have all the collective years of my life. I struggle with past experiences and encounters with friends where I see myself as weak. Giving in is not an option because if I gave in, then I would end my life. Depression has given me a bitter and sour view of the world. I knew I would have to face trials and hardships in my life but.... I didn't expect it to be this early in my life and it caught me completely off guard. All of my friendships were tested and many of them were dissolved. I found out who are my true friends. While I dearly value my close friendships, I must admit that I want more. I want a wife. I want to raise kids. But all of my goals seem like a dream and so far-fetched. When it comes to my desires, I have no idea what to pray for because I almost feel that it is selfish. This is where I am now. This is the journey through the dark thus far.