Dark Thoughts Part 2

     9/07/11
   I have such a heavy heart. Everyday, I feel like I'm dragging around a heavy weight. I'm plagued everyday with thoughts of loneliness and hopelessness. Having no girlfriend is like having a chunk of me that's missing or broken. I'm so upset. Sometimes I seriously still think that death would be a sweet release. Constant tension in my head is exhausting. Endless dreams and nightmares have been hounding me every night. I shrink away whenever a topic like sex or relationships come up with my friends because I"m so ashamed. I feel like it's a far off dream and that it couldn't possibly happen to me. I feel so inexperienced and stupid. I'm crying right now. It's so embarrassing to me. I feel like I die a little bit each day.


        Even though this was written last year, much of these troubles and sorrows still plague me to this day. More recently, I hear rumors of my family discussing whether or not to put me in the hospital. That scares me to death. More than ever, I strongly desire the company of friends for comfort. I still promise to fight this depression with everything I got but it's so overwhelming that I need comfort. I know I am not the only one going through this. It would be a sweet temporary relief if I could even help anyone in need. I know what it feels like. It's hell. My eyes and face have been swollen from tears for the past week. I do not know why my depression has all of the sudden had a huge spike. I do think that it's my fault for letting these negative thoughts for overwhelming me. It starts out like a whisper and then it grows louder and louder. It's more like a scream now that's saying, 'YOU'RE ALONE! YOU'LL NEVER MOVE FORWARD OR GET MARRIED! EVERYONE IS TOO BUSY TO BOTHER WITH YOU!'I am currently fighting these thoughts with all my might. I am either blocking it out or, whenever I have the courage, I challenge these thoughts with rationale and logic. It is the hardest thing I've ever gone through because I've entertained negative thoughts for most of my life. I want the pain to stop so badly. My mind feels extremely exhausted and sore. I love all of my friends and family. If they were all here with me now, I would hug each and every one of them. The best thing for me right now is to be among friends