Repetition And Resentment

          “We forgive, we mortify our resentment; a week later some chain of thought carries us back to the original offence and we discover the old resentment blazing away as if nothing had been done about it at all. We need to forgive our brother seventy times seven not only for 490 offences but for one offence. ”
― C.S. Lewis
I have found much inspiration from this quote. Before I read this, I had no idea how to move forward or to escape from the clutches of resentment and anger. I have anger and resentment towards myself and towards certain individuals in my life.  Something happened to me earlier in life that I found to be extremely offensive,  intolerable, and unacceptable. It's extremely personal and it affects me to this day. Not only did it make me extremely angry, I also didn't understand why they would do such a thing and I felt deeply hurt. It's something that's irreversible, like so many other things of the past. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. I would literally spend hours in deep thought and I would be seething with rage. It was a total injustice in my eyes.
         I told my therapist about it and he made me realize that I protect my feelings and my emotions so well that they are concealed even in my expressions so other people do not notice them. He reminded me that when I hold onto anger, especially rage, it fuels my depression. I've concealed it for ten years. I couldn't even think about forgiving the offending party. I wanted justice. I felt they needed to answer for what they did. I consulted and confided in my sister and she said that I have a right to my feelings, but I really needed to forgive, otherwise I would never get over it. It took me a long time to digest this. She was right. I needed to forgive them. So I made a choice to forgive. It went against every instinct and every bone in my body was screaming to keep holding onto resentment. I forgave them and that was the end of it. Or so I thought....
       My mind was at peace for a time but less than a week later, Anger, resentment and sorrow slowly began to bubble up to my consciousness. I thought that I was only supposed to forgive once and then that would be all.... But I was so wrong and it's still a lesson I am learning to this day.  It upset me so much that I was brought to my knees and I wept for two straight hours. By the time I dried my tears, I felt empty, drained and dead. I started to think that it was too much and that I would never surpass this obstacle. I started having automatic thoughts and some of them suggested suicide to me once again. I refused to be beaten by this. I summoned what little energy and will I had left and I forgave them once more. After that, I took a pill (Which I only take in extreme cases) and I went into a deep sleep.
       The quote at the beginning of the post and my sister made me realize that you can't just forgive one time and think it'll be over. Every time sorrow and resentment bubbles up, you must fight it to forgive every single time and it will eventually lessen. This is something I am still dealing with to this day. A deep seated grudge held in for 10 years will not  just disappear overnight. You must fight to forgive every day.