Reasons Behind The Loneliness And The Suicidal Feelings

        I can trace being lonely all the way back to 5th grade. I had very few friends. But that was the year I met this girl. She was so much like me and we became very good friends. I eventually fell in love with her. By sixth grade, things fell apart. This set the foundation and basis for my depression. It was a combination of things that got me suicidal. The change in going from class to class instead of having a homeroom really took a toll on me. I hate change. What's worse, unfortunately I can't remember how it happened but the girl I befriended the year before eventually cut off our friendship. I may not remember the circumstances surrounding this but what I do remember are the feelings. Extreme pain, loss, anger, and a huge, gaping hole in my heart. This dissolved friendship haunted me for 5 years. It is the thing that made me crave intimacy and what makes me frightened to death of being alone.
        My grades started slipping and I couldn't cope with the homework. 6th grade is also when I found out that I had ADD. Eventually, my grades had become so far gone that I gave up trying altogether and became suicidal. I was grounded for the whole year because of my grades. This is what made me hate school and hate college. I am not academically gifted and I am not ashamed to admit this. I know I have other gifts.
    In high school, I started to become outgoing to compensate for my loneliness. I made many friends and acquaintances but this wasn't enough for me. I strongly desired intimacy. I wanted someone who truly loved me and I could love them back. I prayed so hard for a girlfriend in high school but I never got one. The closest and most intimate thing for me would've been when I went to prom with one of my best friends.
      Something I realize is that when I find someone I'm interested in, I do everything in my power to be with them and try to get them as my girlfriend. This habit of mine has caused me extreme grief and sorrow for most of my life. I've also been extremely angry with myself because by instinct, I never verbalize how I feel and I stuff my feelings deep down in my subconscious because I am afraid of getting hurt. I am extremely shy and I rarely initiate conversation with strangers.
       After high school, I felt extremely Isolated and lonely. I compensated by hanging out with my friend whom I went to prom with. It satisfied me for a time. But my feelings for her grew and grew. They grew to the point where I believed her to be, 'the one'.  This was the first time in my life where I verbalized my feelings. I only did this because I thought I was going to lose her and my depression was growing and making me desperate. I suspect that she didn't know how to respond. I am someone who needs a yes or no answer. I poured soooo much of myself into this potential relationship to the point where it became dangerous for me. I had anxiety attacks on a regular basis and I spent many nights crying myself to sleep. When I finally got my answer, it was no. But at that point I was glad to just have an answer. I thought that I could just put the matter to rest. This was about march of last year.This is the same girl whom I took a class with. When the class ended, that was the last time I saw her. I've prayed so hard that my feelings for her would fade but they haven't. I've just been suppressing them. This felt like a repeat of what happened with the girl I befriended in 5th grade except on a much larger scale. On valentines day of this year, I had a complete meltdown. I was shaking, wailing, and my face was soaked with tears. That is when I scribbled out a suicide note. I figured that if I'm alone in this life, I would much rather die.I see suicide as a fail-safe to escape from the pain. However, I refuse to carry it out because of the pain it would cause to those I leave behind. I have wished many times that they could just let me go so I could die. True, I have many friends but.... Honestly, it's not enough for me. I still feel this hollow pain inside my chest. I crave intimacy but I feel it is intangible for me. I crave the love that is experienced in relationships.  My psychiatrist made me realize something extremely important today. The reason I get suicidal so easily is because it is my default way of dealing with my feelings and it has become a habit. It hurts. Really bad. It is the worst feeling I have ever experienced in my life.I do not feel strong enough to confront my emotions and feelings. I do not know how to overcome them. All I can do is pray and hope that I can get through this. I have to get through this. It's not just a battle to grow stronger, it's a battle for my survival. It is only because I have summoned the courage to tell others what I am going through that I am alive today. I love each and every one of you who have and continue to support me.