I have never felt so hollow, empty, and unloved in my life. It's one of those days that becomes unbearable for me. I've been heaving screaming and crying from extreme emotional pain for most of the day. I have God in my life but I feel a huge hole in my heart and it hurts daily. It is a burden I feel is almost too heavy for me to bear. It's becoming painful to wake up to another day alone each and every day. I am so angry and frustrated and I feel completely unattractive. I pray at least 5 times a day for God to sustain me and I beg Him to fill the hole in my heart. It's honestly becoming overwhelming because I feel like I'm a walking, talking broken man. It's really difficult for me to see life as something positive. Lately, I've been seeing it as a curse and filled with unrelenting pain. Today is a day where I feel absolutely heartbroken and alone. I just want to stop hurting. These past few weeks have strained my endurance, will, and patience to their limit. I endure trial after trial and I see no end in sight nor any comfort.I am finding this depression to be like a parasite that won't let go.
I see only one choice: Create as many distractions as possible. My instincts are against me. They are screaming for me to end the pain but I will ignore them with all my might. I must exercise, eat healthy, hang out with friends, anything to stave off this depression. I do not have the strength to deal with my feelings so I'm going to shut them out until I figure out how to deal with them.
I have an extremely difficult time giving everything over to God and trusting him completely because I am scared to death by the possibility that a girlfriend or wife will not be part of my life. That I will die alone. That is my greatest fear and it frightens me to death and currently has me paralyzed. At this point, I pray for God to have mercy on me. I am nearly spent. Only time will tell what happens next.
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He shall give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4
ReplyDeleteI went through a period of time in my life when I was afraid to give everything over to God because I was afraid He would "rip the rug" from underneath me to teach me lessons. I had this incorrect view of the Lord that He CAUSES pain in order to teach us lessons. Which is not how He works. So I began praying this verse I shared with you. He KNEW the desires of my heart. So, I delighted myself in Him. I prayed this verse everytime I thought about the specific issue I was having trouble handing over to Him. I would honestly tell Him what I was desiring. Now, this verse does not mean that God gives you everything you want, which I know is also a scary thought for you right now. But, you have mentioned many times that you just want these feelings to go away. So, I promise YOU that God NEVER goes back on a promise. And HIS promise says to delight yourself in Him and He will give you the desires of your heart. Do it. He will fill you up and give you what you so desperately want or He will change the desires of your heart to be what HE desires for your life. So either way you win. You get what you want, but when you delight yourself in the Lord, your desires line up with His. Don't be afraid. Be courageous and give it over to the Lord.