Depression's New Face

      There are new challenges ahead for me. I am really scared because I've known it would come back to haunt me later in life. There is good news, however. I had a very important psychologist meeting today and it helped me see the path I must take. He said that it is a good sign that I am constantly fighting my emotions and good that I burst into tears daily. This helps to release a lot of built up tension and I react by getting really frustrated and angry. My psychologist said this is a way of my mind and body saying to my depression, 'enough. Stop'. I finally have the will to roll up my sleeves and fight my depression and challenge my negative thoughts.
     My psychiatrist also said that these feelings of extreme loneliness, loss, and frustration will take a while to go away. I have felt that I'm stuck in place while my friends and the rest of the world moves on without me. I still feel like that. I have a strong sense of a hole in my heart due to lack of intimacy. That is the single, solitary thing that is strongest in my depression. I would give all my possessions away for a romantic relationship and this is not something that I state lightly. It is the ultimate desire of my heart and I am extremely embarrassed and ashamed to say that I have never experienced a relationship. I used to lie ALL the time about having a girlfriend because it was unthinkable to me for anyone to know I have never had that experience. I struggle with it daily and do everything I can to keep it from diminishing me. The last time I attempted to get into a relationship, it broke my heart and shattered my confidence. Today, I hold very little hope of ever finding my soul mate. I am working on changing that but it is a great challenge.
     Another thing that has me very down is loneliness of a different form. This past week, I have been craving the company of friends, so that I wouldn't be alone and so I wouldn't constantly suffer from heartache. It's strange. When I'm downstairs watching a movie with my parents, I almost feel as if depression was never there. Or as if it's being suppressed. When I go back upstairs however, the depression rushes back and I find myself literally gasping for breath and on the verge of tears. More and more, I am finding that I need something constant, something that's always there so I can be happy. I know that a girlfriend isn't going to fulfill all my emotional needs but to tell you the truth, I honestly don't care. I want that experience. I've looked for happiness in my friends and I have found it to be insufficient. Don't get me wrong, I love them to death but my sister helped me realize that they won't always be there for me. I am seeing more and more that in this world, I need to find my own happiness. Depression has made me see how cruel and unforgiving life can be. And unfortunately, I think depression has permanently dimmed my view on life. For much of my school years and my short time in adulthood, I have experienced much pain and suffering and I hear much about the world's pain and suffering as well as the suffering of my friends. A good thing about depression is that it hasn't completely hardened me. I am sensitive to other people's pain and suffering more than ever. Now that I have experienced it, I can't stand to see people suffer. As for suicide, I wrote down a promise in my journal that I will forever take a stand against it. I will never take my own life. There are other ways to numb the pain. The bible helps as does certain medications. However, medications are not a cure-all. They will not take away your painful feelings and emotions and they will not take away your depression. They only serve to make depression bearable.
              My direction I must take to get better is to get involved with society and find a job. Now, I have been looking for one for a year now but much of the reason why don't have one is because I have an intense fear of talking to people I don't know. I never initiate conversation with strangers. In fact, it was my friends who first started conversation with me. If they hadn't, then I would have little to no friends. I am an extremely shy person. In school, I NEVER raised my hand unless I had to. One of my good friends whom I went to front range with can attest to that. I never went to social gatherings and I never went to parties. I did go to youth group occasionally but I always stood at the back in a corner. I've been shy my whole life and it's something I hate about myself. It is the thing that is keeping me from moving forward. It's one of my biggest demons that I face but I am determined to conquer it. That is the new face of my depression. I may still have depression for a while, but God can use this time to mold me into the person that he wants me to be.

Dark Thoughts Part 2

     9/07/11
   I have such a heavy heart. Everyday, I feel like I'm dragging around a heavy weight. I'm plagued everyday with thoughts of loneliness and hopelessness. Having no girlfriend is like having a chunk of me that's missing or broken. I'm so upset. Sometimes I seriously still think that death would be a sweet release. Constant tension in my head is exhausting. Endless dreams and nightmares have been hounding me every night. I shrink away whenever a topic like sex or relationships come up with my friends because I"m so ashamed. I feel like it's a far off dream and that it couldn't possibly happen to me. I feel so inexperienced and stupid. I'm crying right now. It's so embarrassing to me. I feel like I die a little bit each day.


        Even though this was written last year, much of these troubles and sorrows still plague me to this day. More recently, I hear rumors of my family discussing whether or not to put me in the hospital. That scares me to death. More than ever, I strongly desire the company of friends for comfort. I still promise to fight this depression with everything I got but it's so overwhelming that I need comfort. I know I am not the only one going through this. It would be a sweet temporary relief if I could even help anyone in need. I know what it feels like. It's hell. My eyes and face have been swollen from tears for the past week. I do not know why my depression has all of the sudden had a huge spike. I do think that it's my fault for letting these negative thoughts for overwhelming me. It starts out like a whisper and then it grows louder and louder. It's more like a scream now that's saying, 'YOU'RE ALONE! YOU'LL NEVER MOVE FORWARD OR GET MARRIED! EVERYONE IS TOO BUSY TO BOTHER WITH YOU!'I am currently fighting these thoughts with all my might. I am either blocking it out or, whenever I have the courage, I challenge these thoughts with rationale and logic. It is the hardest thing I've ever gone through because I've entertained negative thoughts for most of my life. I want the pain to stop so badly. My mind feels extremely exhausted and sore. I love all of my friends and family. If they were all here with me now, I would hug each and every one of them. The best thing for me right now is to be among friends

Dark Thoughts Part 1

        The following are entry is from my journal. I cried while writing it.



2/26/12
   Life is nothing but a cruel joke. I've reached my wit's end and I'm done fighting. My whole life, I've looked for a girl and what do I get? Nothing but sever pain, rejection, and humiliation. I beg God daily to take my life. My life isn't valuable to me. I hate it. I don't have the will to end my own life. I am a coward. It's a curse and I question my purpose in life. I see no end in sight to this depression and the desires of my heart will never be granted. It's not like I'm asking for a million dollars. I'm only asking for a woman of my own whom I can love and cherish. I see nothing but darkness ahead. Death is honestly preferable than this agonizing heartbreak. Every night I sleep, I wake up every hour and I burst into tears from emotional pain. There is no respite from this day or night. This is hell in every sense of the word. I feel inferior to everyone and I feel denied of any chance for a relationship. That's what hurts the most. I see people break up from a relationship and then literally the next day, they find another person to be with. This baffles me. How the hell is this possible??? Am I too ugly? Am I stupid? I'm done with this.

         I have been extremely angry and fed up lately. I was thinking of suicide while I was writing this but I decided to take my emergency medicine and went to sleep. I still woke up every hour in pain. I've been weeping for a day and a half now and the only prayer I can come up with is, "help". I believe that it will honestly take a miracle to get me through this

Painful Prayer

       I have never felt so hollow, empty, and unloved in my life. It's one of those days that becomes unbearable for me. I've been heaving screaming and crying from extreme emotional pain for most of the day. I have God in my life but I feel a huge hole in my heart and it hurts daily. It is a burden I feel is almost too heavy for me to bear. It's becoming painful to wake up to another day alone each and every day. I am so angry and frustrated and I feel completely unattractive. I pray at least 5 times a day for God to sustain me and I beg Him to fill the hole in my heart. It's honestly becoming overwhelming because I feel like I'm a walking, talking broken man. It's really difficult for me to see life as something positive. Lately, I've been seeing it as a curse and filled with unrelenting pain. Today is a day where I feel absolutely heartbroken and alone. I just want to stop hurting. These past few weeks have strained my endurance, will, and patience to their limit. I endure trial after trial and I see no end in sight nor any comfort.I am finding this depression to be like a parasite that won't let go. 
       I see only one choice: Create as many distractions as possible. My instincts are against me. They are screaming for me to end the pain but I will ignore them with all my might. I must exercise, eat healthy, hang out with friends, anything to stave off this depression. I do not have the strength to deal with my feelings so I'm going to shut them out until I figure out how to deal with them.
        I have an extremely difficult time giving everything over to God and trusting him completely because I am scared to death by the possibility that a girlfriend or wife will not be part of my life. That I will die alone. That is my greatest fear and it frightens me to death and currently has me paralyzed. At this point, I pray for God to have mercy on me. I am nearly spent. Only time will tell what happens next.

My Old Nature Is Dead: Before And After

      I am still shaken from my last psychiatrist session from two days ago. It's made me realize a lot of things. There is absolutely no going back to the way things were. I am no longer the person I once was. That Alex, in a way, died after my first suicide attempt. I strongly believe that God is using my depression as a way of making me stronger and more like Christ. I have a thirst to read the bible like I never did before. I understand things about Jesus now that just didn't click for me before my depression. My very personality has changed dramatically and for the better. Before, I admit that I was callous and oblivious to other people's suffering but now it honestly pains me to see people going through so much hardship. I would do anything within my power to help them. Before, I was proud and boastful. But now, what is there to boast about? I am no better than anyone on this earth. We are all sinners.
          Even my humor has been affected. Before, I found humor in such crude and dirty jokes. I found humor in really vulgar and rude jokes as well. When my depression hit, all humor left my life. Everything was dark. Even though I am still in the midst of depression, I have regained some of my sense of humor but it is extremely different. I no longer find humor in such vulgar jokes or situations. Yes, I will still make very nerdy jokes from time to time but lately my mind has been focused on God.
         I have gone from a callous, cold and uncaring person to a more sensitive and loving person. I accept that I am still a sinner and that I will make many more mistakes but it is a comfort knowing that Jesus has already forgiven me. That is something that I still have trouble wrapping my head around. Truthfully, I don't think anyone can fully grasp just how wonderful this is. Something I've done my whole life is the habit of stuffing my emotions deep down in my subconscious and I foolishly thought they were gone. I felt that it was the one thing in life that I had control over. When depression unexpectedly came upon me, I lost complete control of my emotions and it scared me to death. It still does sometimes. I would cry for no apparent reason and I would cry in front of people. Now if you know me, then you know that I hate to reveal my emotions and cry in front of people. I realize now that emotions are nothing to be ashamed of. I must let them out and vent if I am to get better. I am still learning this and it has been very difficult for me because I have no idea how to confront my emotions. It is very foreign to me. I think at this point it is something that I must give over to God because it is beyond my capability. I still have so much to learn.
           I have also learned that it is possible for depression to go into a sort of 'remission' or hibernation. It went away for nearly a month and I was happy and smiling but deep down, I still felt it. I knew it was there, it was only suppressed. It came back with a vengeance on valentine's day. I cannot overcome depression until I have learned everything that God needs me to learn. Until that time, I am under His authority and His guidance.  

Reasons Behind The Loneliness And The Suicidal Feelings

        I can trace being lonely all the way back to 5th grade. I had very few friends. But that was the year I met this girl. She was so much like me and we became very good friends. I eventually fell in love with her. By sixth grade, things fell apart. This set the foundation and basis for my depression. It was a combination of things that got me suicidal. The change in going from class to class instead of having a homeroom really took a toll on me. I hate change. What's worse, unfortunately I can't remember how it happened but the girl I befriended the year before eventually cut off our friendship. I may not remember the circumstances surrounding this but what I do remember are the feelings. Extreme pain, loss, anger, and a huge, gaping hole in my heart. This dissolved friendship haunted me for 5 years. It is the thing that made me crave intimacy and what makes me frightened to death of being alone.
        My grades started slipping and I couldn't cope with the homework. 6th grade is also when I found out that I had ADD. Eventually, my grades had become so far gone that I gave up trying altogether and became suicidal. I was grounded for the whole year because of my grades. This is what made me hate school and hate college. I am not academically gifted and I am not ashamed to admit this. I know I have other gifts.
    In high school, I started to become outgoing to compensate for my loneliness. I made many friends and acquaintances but this wasn't enough for me. I strongly desired intimacy. I wanted someone who truly loved me and I could love them back. I prayed so hard for a girlfriend in high school but I never got one. The closest and most intimate thing for me would've been when I went to prom with one of my best friends.
      Something I realize is that when I find someone I'm interested in, I do everything in my power to be with them and try to get them as my girlfriend. This habit of mine has caused me extreme grief and sorrow for most of my life. I've also been extremely angry with myself because by instinct, I never verbalize how I feel and I stuff my feelings deep down in my subconscious because I am afraid of getting hurt. I am extremely shy and I rarely initiate conversation with strangers.
       After high school, I felt extremely Isolated and lonely. I compensated by hanging out with my friend whom I went to prom with. It satisfied me for a time. But my feelings for her grew and grew. They grew to the point where I believed her to be, 'the one'.  This was the first time in my life where I verbalized my feelings. I only did this because I thought I was going to lose her and my depression was growing and making me desperate. I suspect that she didn't know how to respond. I am someone who needs a yes or no answer. I poured soooo much of myself into this potential relationship to the point where it became dangerous for me. I had anxiety attacks on a regular basis and I spent many nights crying myself to sleep. When I finally got my answer, it was no. But at that point I was glad to just have an answer. I thought that I could just put the matter to rest. This was about march of last year.This is the same girl whom I took a class with. When the class ended, that was the last time I saw her. I've prayed so hard that my feelings for her would fade but they haven't. I've just been suppressing them. This felt like a repeat of what happened with the girl I befriended in 5th grade except on a much larger scale. On valentines day of this year, I had a complete meltdown. I was shaking, wailing, and my face was soaked with tears. That is when I scribbled out a suicide note. I figured that if I'm alone in this life, I would much rather die.I see suicide as a fail-safe to escape from the pain. However, I refuse to carry it out because of the pain it would cause to those I leave behind. I have wished many times that they could just let me go so I could die. True, I have many friends but.... Honestly, it's not enough for me. I still feel this hollow pain inside my chest. I crave intimacy but I feel it is intangible for me. I crave the love that is experienced in relationships.  My psychiatrist made me realize something extremely important today. The reason I get suicidal so easily is because it is my default way of dealing with my feelings and it has become a habit. It hurts. Really bad. It is the worst feeling I have ever experienced in my life.I do not feel strong enough to confront my emotions and feelings. I do not know how to overcome them. All I can do is pray and hope that I can get through this. I have to get through this. It's not just a battle to grow stronger, it's a battle for my survival. It is only because I have summoned the courage to tell others what I am going through that I am alive today. I love each and every one of you who have and continue to support me.

Isolation And self Criticism

      I have felt isolated for some time. Sometimes I just feel like a zombie and many times I feel alone and unloved. The pain is so crippling. Especially when all I see around me are couples. I have found that if I let these thoughts stay in my mind, then it will plunge me into a deep depression and quickly lead me to suicidal thoughts. Constantly, for the past couple weeks now, my thoughts have consisted of this: 'Why is this so difficult? Is it my destiny to be single? Why do I feel so emotionally cut off and estranged from so many people?'  This in turn quickly leads to suicidal thoughts such as, "I wish I had a gun with me so I could end it all." I feel to weak to fight these thoughts so I just shut them out and suppress them. I know that they will come back and that I will have to face them. I just pray that I have the strength to overcome these thoughts and feelings. The feelings come on so strong that my chest gets constricted and I fight to choke back tears. I get angry and frustrated because I have these feelings of pain, loss, and loneliness and that in turn just ends up fueling my depression.
        There comes a time when there is nothing that you can do but wait it out and pray. I've prayed more in my depression than I have all the collective years of my life. I struggle with past experiences and encounters with friends where I see myself as weak. Giving in is not an option because if I gave in, then I would end my life. Depression has given me a bitter and sour view of the world. I knew I would have to face trials and hardships in my life but.... I didn't expect it to be this early in my life and it caught me completely off guard. All of my friendships were tested and many of them were dissolved. I found out who are my true friends. While I dearly value my close friendships, I must admit that I want more. I want a wife. I want to raise kids. But all of my goals seem like a dream and so far-fetched. When it comes to my desires, I have no idea what to pray for because I almost feel that it is selfish. This is where I am now. This is the journey through the dark thus far.

Suicide Is Never The Correct Answer

       Now obviously, everyone knows that suicide is never the answer. People just say this automatically because they themselves have never had to experience the crushing prison of clinical depression or had to deal with suicide personally. I can honestly say that suicide is much harder to resist when one is under the influence of severe depression. Now when I'm not constantly bombarded with automatic negative thoughts, it's quite easy to say no to suicide. But when my depression is triggered by something, I completely lose it. All rational thought is thrown out the window and on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the worst, I go from a 1 to 10 in less than five minutes. When you become suicidal, you are NEVER thinking clearly in that state of mind and it becomes a battle of will. Since I have had a few close calls with suicide, it pops up more frequently in my mind. When something happens that really upsets me, I look for ways to escape the pain. My first thought is this, "I want to die." I've spent nights on my knees weeping and praying for God to take my life because the pains is so much. That prayer is never answered, or so I think. More and more, while I'm in this state of mind, once I start breathing normally and the tears stop flowing, I usually end up passing out from exhaustion. I believe this is God's way of relieving me from the pain.
         Suicide is something you must resist and fight. Suicide is not only hurting you, it's hurting your family and friends as well. A suicidal person is an irrational person and their emotions are magnifying all the troubles they are facing. A suicidal person is focused only on themselves and I can tell you from experience that when you are suicidal and you're constantly thinking of ways to die, time seems to slow down and every other sound is shut out. It's just you, your thoughts, and your will. It may seem super hard to do but you must make yourself busy. You must get out of your chair and occupy yourself with other things. Even talk to a friend. GET HELP. I've trained myself where whenever I get suicidal, I force myself to talk to my friends about it. For those of you thinking about suicide or know someone who is suicidal, know this: These feelings will pass. Talk to the person in a firm but loving manner. You are not alone.

The Positive Side Of Depression

       I would honestly trade all of my possessions just to stop the pain. And yet, I realize that this pain is necessary. This is my first real trial in adulthood. It's pushed me beyond my spiritual, physical, and emotional limits. Depression has changed my life. I am no longer the same person I was. The only choice I have is to move forward. I am stronger spiritually than I once was and I am very thankful for that. That's the most important part of me that needs to grow. The emotional part of me continues to scream in agony. One of my problems is that I emotionally invest way too much in a person and when they fail me, it destroys me. This is something I just realized on valentines day. I am constantly on watch for potential girlfriends and when I find some promising candidates, I involuntarily begin pouring everything I have into them emotionally. I have learned the hard way that this is extremely dangerous for all aspects of my well being. Even just a few days ago on valentines, it brought me to the brink of suicide. I break down  physically and emotionally. My whole body starts heaving and then tears stream down my face. It was a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing so I hastily wrote out a suicide note. Right as I finished writing it, I sat and stared at it for a few moments. What was happening to me didn't feel real. I was in denial. I was thinking, "How could this have happened to me again?? I'm right back where I started!!" I tore up the note in frustration and took my medication.
           I am still in extreme pain today and I constantly have to choke down tears. I admit that I am extremely frustrated with everything. It amazes me how some people can just so casually get a boyfriend/girlfriend and me on the other hand, I have to fight with everything I got just to get one. One thing I do know for sure is that I will have to remain in depression until I learn everything that God wants me to learn. How long will this take? I honestly have no idea. I am constantly in severe emotional pain but this pain is vital for growth. I've been told by many people now that I have to stop putting all my hope and trust in finding a girlfriend for my happiness and learn how to depend on the Lord. This is the hardest lesson for me. I am not a patient person at all. I want everything now. It just frustrates me so much to be stuck in depression and watch the world move on. It's extremely hard to rejoice when you're depressed. But I've made it a force of habit to thank Jesus for what I'm going through even when I'm wailing and in tears from so much pain. Depression has truly taught me to be humble. I will never again assume that I am exempt from any kind of suffering. Depression has also given me a desire to help people who are going through much pain. It is something I have already begun to do. I hate seeing other people go through pain like this. It tears me up inside; especially when I can't do much to help them. I don't offer people hollow advice like 'It gets better' or 'this too will pass'. If you say that to someone in severe depression, I can pretty much guarantee you that they will not believe it. The best counsel I have to offer is to lean on God and change your perspective on your suffering. Yes, there will be times when you completely forget this advice because of the severe pain you're in but you must make it a habit to instill these things in your mind. Force yourself to dwell on happy things. This is where Christians have an advantage because we are commanded not to despair like those who have no hope. I see this life as nothing but a test and I see it for what it is. It's a world full of sorrow and strife and people trying to find their own way to be happy. Believe me when I tell you that all is vanity. I am no longer the materialistic person I once was. Sure, the occasional movie will keep me amused for a time but I know that this fleeting pleasure will fade. Set your mind on things that are eternal. This is much easier said than done but my depression is pushing me to have a mindset like this.  God wants us to be happy but we do not deserve to be happy. We must accept that we live in a fallen world and Satan is it's ruler. The good thing is that this world is temporary. It will not always be like this. We are just travelers passing through this world. Those who belong to the world belong to Satan. Some of you may think this is a bold or harsh statement but I tell you now, there is no middle ground. You're either for or against God. It's not enough to believe in God. Even the demons believe in God and they tremble at this thought. There will come a time when you will have to choose your allegiance and this will determine your behavior and happiness. I made my choice to serve Christ long ago but it is now that it's being put to the test. No matter what happens, I will not let go of my God. He is the only thing that is everlasting and true in this world. Even if you're depressed for much of this life, it will not last forever. There is hope

Overconfidence And Revelations: Lost (Part 3)

         After my first attempt at suicide, it left me so drained and so empty that I felt that I literally ran out of tears. I must admit, I regretted that my first attempt didn't succeed. I had no idea what to do or where to turn. I felt that I deserved pain and foolishly, I thought that if I caused myself physical pain, then it would be a sort of release for me. It had the opposite affect. My desire to live was very low but I didn't have the will to end my life quickly. I hated myself for that. In turn, it made me want to die a slow death. So I started cutting. At first, I just wanted to feel the pain but I eventually wanted to cut deeper and deeper. Cutting is seriously addictive. I honestly did not care if I gave myself blood poisoning or infection. I cut all over my arms. I hid this from everyone. Eventually, I had cut so many times that both my arms were red and the wounds were a deep dark crimson in color. I have all the scars from cutting on my arms to this day. It reminds me of how far I've come in this battle and struggle just to survive.
       One day in mid February, I decided to go on a walk. I went on walks often so I could distract myself. I spent most of my time around the house alone, staring blankly at the wall. I had no appetite and I usually only ate a muffin per day. I stopped drinking liquids as well and I was severely dehydrated. I was walking through the neighborhood and I ran into a couple of my friends. They could tell that I showed no emotion or enthusiasm so they invited me on a drive so they could talk to me. While we were driving, I decided to show them my arms because I was at the point where I couldn't take it anymore and I was sick of holding everything in. What I didn't realize was that they were just talking to me as a form of distraction. Before I knew it, I was at the hospital and the police and nurses waited for me in the emergency room. I was shocked. Too shocked to say anything. All I remember thinking was "Am I really this bad?" I started to panic because my parents just thought I was on a walk. I felt like a complete idiot because of how I was tricked into coming here. I still wasn't on any medication yet at this point. After a long wait, I was admitted into the hospital and they immediately put an IV in me so I could get hydrated. I was pale and my lips were chapped and puffy. I started to leak tears and felt so alone even though there were people all around me. I felt like a lab rat and I felt so disconnected from reality. The feeling that scared me most was that I felt completely cut off from God and all my thoughts were constantly of escape. The tension headaches got so bad that I couldn't sit up. I was on a gurney with a needle in my arm and My pillow was soaked with tears. Eventually, my friends had to leave but just as they left, my family came in. They were shocked to see me this way. I talked with each one individually and they were completely baffled at how sick I was. My thinking was even sick. I started sobbing again and I told them that I wanted to go home.After three hours of waiting, I was discharged but I was required to see a doctor, a therapist and a psychiatrist.
        After this incident, I started to pray every night. I was always sobbing and begging God to do something. I didn't even know what to pray. I was about to start cutting again but something stopped me. I had the blade open and pointed towards some visible veins on my arm but the hand holding my knife was shaking violently. I screamed in rage and threw it against the window and I started to wail. I was sick of doing this. Constantly cutting and hating myself for it. I gathered all the sharp objects in my room, threw them in a trash bag and put it in the trash can in the garage. This was in the middle of the night. I rarely slept anymore. I mostly laid on my bed and stared up at the ceiling, wondering why I wasn't dead yet. I worried about everything. How could I continue taking my class at front range? I'm going to lose my job. I finally drifted off to sleep and I worried no more. At least until the morning came
    

Overconfidence And Revelations: (The Effects That Suicide Attempts Leave On The Mind) Part 2

         When I first thought of ending my life, it startled me. I started to text friends more often for comfort. That is when the friend I went to class with told me this: "I'm gonna go ahead and say that you need professional help." I thought I was going crazy. Surely I couldn't be that forgone? I was in complete denial of the situation and I told her that it's not too late and I can fix this on my own. If it hadn't been for her insisting that I tell my family what was going on with me, then I would definitely be dead. I'm the kind of person who shares his problems with friends because I always felt that my family overreacts. Needless to say, I was scared to death of telling my family how depressed I was. I knew my friend was right though so I walked in my house. I still remember this moment very vividly. My sister was sitting on the couch reading. She looked up, smiled and said, 'What's up Al?' At that moment I collapsed on the couch next to her and burst into tears. I was still scared of telling my family EVERYTHING that was going on so I just told her that I was really depressed. My parents came down and asked what was wrong. My dad isn't used to these kind of situations and didn't know what to do so my mom and sister told him to leave. It was decided that they would set up a doctor's appointment for me. It was tuesday and the appointment was friday. My mom asked me if I could hold on that long and I thought I could. But I was dead wrong.
         That night was the scariest and most horrific night of my life. I was feeling so alone and I desperately wanted a girlfriend. I wanted to be loved and I felt that I was not getting that. I remember being on facebook and I contacted one of my friends. She was going to metro at the time. I told her that I had never been more scared in my life and she told me to calm down and take deep breaths. She told me to go have some milk and cookies and to be around family. I was extremely irrational at this point and did not do as she recommended which is something I regret because I could have avoided this unbelievable amount of pain that I was about to endure. It was 7 pm and by this point, I was constantly shaking and crying. Constant negative thoughts and severe doubts rushed into my mind and it frightened me because for the first time in my life, I could not control my thoughts or my emotions. Thoughts like, "I'm just a burden to everyone. What girl would want to be with the likes of me?" This opened the gateway for progressively darker thoughts such as "I am a mistake. I must be punished. Every girl would laugh at how pathetic I am." And finally, an unending stream of suicidal thoughts entered my mind and they were quite persuasive. It honestly seemed logical to me at the time. "I want to shrivel up and die. This life isn't worth living without a girl I can love and where they can love me back. It's impossible for a girl to love me for what I am." I started to frantically look around my room, my face red and swollen from crying. "I must find something, anything sharp. Sharp enough to pierce flesh and long enough to plunge into my chest." I opened my closet door and on the floor lay a very sharp twelve inch dagger. I picked it up and put it on my bed. I couldn't die without telling someone. I still remember the text I sent to my friend at metro. It went something like this. "Goodbye. I'm off to be with the lord. This life has lost it's value to  me and I can't bear to be a part of it for another second."
              With the text message sent, and tears streaming down my face, I grabbed the dagger and knelt on the floor. I mere words cannot describe the pain and agony I felt in this moment. Imagine a dark veil pulled over your vision. That is how I saw the world. I examined every possible way out of my despair but I was emotionally compromised to think clearly and I foresaw only excruciating pain in every direction I turned. I closed my eyes and put the dagger upon my chest I took a deep breath and all of the sudden, I kid you not, I heard a voice. A whisper. There was nobody on the top floor of my house. I was alone. But the voice kept repeating, "stop. wait. Help is coming." five seconds later, my phone rang. It was my friend from metro. I shakily picked up my phone and asked in a shaky voice, "Hello?" Her voice was like honey. It was so sweet. She reassured me that everything would be fine and right before she hanged up she said, "I love you Alex." I told her that I loved her too. She hung up. Fresh sobs rose in my throat and I cried aloud. I had not thought it possible that anyone could love me. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. I tossed the dagger under my bed and sat crying for another half an hour.
         Suicide has a profound effect upon the mind. It completely drains your emotional reserves and worst of all, it drains your hope and cuts you off from others. After that attempt, I lost all confidence in myself and I labeled myself as weak-willed. I have often said that I prefer physical pain over emotional pain. This is because you can numb physical pain but you must endure the sorrows of emotional pain. I do believe that whisper I heard was Jesus speaking to me. I had completely forgotten everything spiritual. I felt cut off from God and I felt that he had forsaken me. It took me another 10 months to put my trust in the Lord. I felt so broken that I thought I couldn't be repaired. Love truly does heal. It just takes time. Learn to lay down your burdens to the Lord and he will help you. He will grant you rest. I had help, but this was only the beginning of my tribulations

Overconfidence And Revelations Part 1

   Looking back now, I remember thinking that before the suicide attempts and depression, I thought that I would never ever attempt suicide. I saw people who had attempted suicide as people who were seriously ill and I thought that it only happened to some people. God has definitely humbled me and taught me that I am not immune to the rogue winds of life. I was overconfident and too comfortable in my bubble of security. I now accept the fact that every single person is vulnerable to any kind of pain. Near the end of my senior year in high school, I started to break down emotionally. I saw it as just an isolated incident but it got worse as time went by. A lot worse. I took everything in my life for granted and I went on living a normal life until 2011. Starting in January, everything seemed normal and routine. I was working at goodwill, my family and I got along fine, I was even enrolling in a class at front range with a close friend. I am the kind of person who is scared to death of stepping outside my comfort zone.  Enrolling in college scared me to death, even though it was only one class. I had no experience with doing these kind of things on my own which I am ashamed to admit. My friend had to help me enroll. This is about the second week into January and I had no idea that depression was taking root. Clinical depression is extremely insidious. I just disregarded how I was feeling as stress. But the truth is that stress and depression often go hand-in-hand. I started to feel extremely lonely and empty. I was desperately trying to find ways of feeling this huge, gaping void.
      I spent much time trying to keep in contact with all my friends constantly every day. It got worse and worse and it started to show. I stopped eating and began losing LOTS of weight. I often send texts to my friend with whom I was taking a class. She definitely noticed I was getting worse and did everything in her power to help me. I admit, I was very stubborn and I didn't think she could help me or that anyone could help me. Looking back, I am truly touched by the ways she has helped me. I wouldn't be the same person without her. I feel like God was speaking through her to me and I was too arrogant to listen. She gave me encouragement from scripture and I just started weeping because I felt that I did not deserve God's and that He was disappointed in me. I kept Him at arm's length because I was scared to let Him control my life. As I kept my distance from Him, I slowly started to disregard and push away those closest to me. I became paranoid and scared to death and I literally thought that I was going to have a psychotic break. These are the effects of clinical depression. It cuts you off from everything and everyone you enjoy and wraps you in the cold despair of loneliness. I am extremely ashamed of how I reacted and of how I treated my closest friends. I only hope that they can forgive me. The depression kept getting worse and worse until it came to a crucial point: The formation of suicidal thoughts.

Repetition And Resentment

          “We forgive, we mortify our resentment; a week later some chain of thought carries us back to the original offence and we discover the old resentment blazing away as if nothing had been done about it at all. We need to forgive our brother seventy times seven not only for 490 offences but for one offence. ”
― C.S. Lewis
I have found much inspiration from this quote. Before I read this, I had no idea how to move forward or to escape from the clutches of resentment and anger. I have anger and resentment towards myself and towards certain individuals in my life.  Something happened to me earlier in life that I found to be extremely offensive,  intolerable, and unacceptable. It's extremely personal and it affects me to this day. Not only did it make me extremely angry, I also didn't understand why they would do such a thing and I felt deeply hurt. It's something that's irreversible, like so many other things of the past. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. I would literally spend hours in deep thought and I would be seething with rage. It was a total injustice in my eyes.
         I told my therapist about it and he made me realize that I protect my feelings and my emotions so well that they are concealed even in my expressions so other people do not notice them. He reminded me that when I hold onto anger, especially rage, it fuels my depression. I've concealed it for ten years. I couldn't even think about forgiving the offending party. I wanted justice. I felt they needed to answer for what they did. I consulted and confided in my sister and she said that I have a right to my feelings, but I really needed to forgive, otherwise I would never get over it. It took me a long time to digest this. She was right. I needed to forgive them. So I made a choice to forgive. It went against every instinct and every bone in my body was screaming to keep holding onto resentment. I forgave them and that was the end of it. Or so I thought....
       My mind was at peace for a time but less than a week later, Anger, resentment and sorrow slowly began to bubble up to my consciousness. I thought that I was only supposed to forgive once and then that would be all.... But I was so wrong and it's still a lesson I am learning to this day.  It upset me so much that I was brought to my knees and I wept for two straight hours. By the time I dried my tears, I felt empty, drained and dead. I started to think that it was too much and that I would never surpass this obstacle. I started having automatic thoughts and some of them suggested suicide to me once again. I refused to be beaten by this. I summoned what little energy and will I had left and I forgave them once more. After that, I took a pill (Which I only take in extreme cases) and I went into a deep sleep.
       The quote at the beginning of the post and my sister made me realize that you can't just forgive one time and think it'll be over. Every time sorrow and resentment bubbles up, you must fight it to forgive every single time and it will eventually lessen. This is something I am still dealing with to this day. A deep seated grudge held in for 10 years will not  just disappear overnight. You must fight to forgive every day.

The Grim Reality Of Suicide

      Depression doesn't just affect the victim. It affects all those around him is as well. The emotional pain that accompanies suicidal thoughts is indescribable. Physical pain is more preferable than the emotional pain that accompanies a suicide attempt because you can at least be given medication for the pain. There is no relief for emotional pain other than time. I have struggles with suicide on and off for nearly a year. I am proud to say that I have not experienced a single fleeting suicidal thought for a month and a half now. I felt dead for a long time. I was shaking constantly and I was often weeping. There comes a point where your emotional reserves become completely drained and then you are faced with a a choice that has only one solution. You must escape the pain. Instead of doing something drastic, I would often choose to go to sleep. However, what you are thinking about before you go to sleep often creeps into your dreams. I spent a lot of time thinking about 'what if' scenarios such as my funeral. For more than half my depression, I often spent much of my time with things dealing with death. I thought about finalizing my will, how I would kill myself, and I even decided that I would want to be cremated.   
         Statistics show that men tend to use more violent means of suicide than women. However, women are three times as likely to attempt suicide than men but men are more likely to succeed in their attempts more than women. I would often brainstorm how I would die. I thought about stabbing myself, driving up to the mountains and then jumping off a cliff, you name it, I thought of it. I even had a list. The reality of it was that I wanted to die but I was scared of the pain accompanying it. When you're clinically depressed, the majority of your thoughts are focused on yourself. There came a time when I started thinking about other people who have committed suicide. This is what I have learned. The person who commits suicide isn't the only victim. Suicide has a huge impact on the community. Friends and loved ones are baffled and don't know how to deal with their grief. There have even been cases where some of the close family members would become suicidal as well. In a way, suicide is contagious. Many people become depressed because they don't know how to deal with the loss and they often either blame themselves or get really angry with the person who committed suicide.
        If you have a suicide note, I would urge you to rip it up and snap yourself back to reality. I will also say this. Anyone who is thinking of suicide NEEDS therapy. I almost made the mistake of believing that I could deal with it on my own but a close friend of mine convinced me to talk to my family about it. That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. My parents were baffled and they didn't even know I was depressed because I am a person who hides their emotions and feelings from others. If you are depressed and suicidal, you may feel truly alone but I assure you, you are not. Friends and family will be there to support you. Even though I knew my friends and family supported me, I still felt a huge emptiness. I wasn't trusting God at all and I felt like he was powerless to help me and that he didn't hear me. I realize now how irrational I was. God answered my prayer when I asked him to make my depression go away. His response was similar to this: 'No but I will never leave you and never forsake you.' This has taught me to put my faith and my trust in God. Even when I was in the midst  of weeping, when it goes against all your instincts to pray, I prayed and put my faith in God and He answered each and every time. My shaking slowed and my tears stopped and I felt reassured. I am still in the middle of depression and I am actively suppressing any suicidal thoughts and tendencies. My therapist said it will be a while before these suicidal thoughts go away since I've thought about them for so long. The only reason I see this life as something worth living is because God has assured me that he has a plan. All else is vanity. Something I've also recently discovered is that I love leading people closer to Christ. It truly is fulfilling and fills me with joy.
         As Christians, we have advantages during depression that other people don't have. We have the power of prayer. It gives me hope because a segment of scripture always comes to my mind. "Do not mourn as those who have no hope." Even if my depression is lifelong, I know that it won't cross over with me into eternity. I truly have no fear of death but I also have no desire to end my life by my own hand. It is by the grace of God that I live to write this today and this is my story.