Learning And Discovering

    We grow the most when we are suffering and in deep turmoil. I am finding out more about myself every day and I am finding out who I am. I have discovered that I am an emotionally needy person. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. There are plenty of people out there like that. I am a very affectionate person and once I form a friendship, it's usually for life. If I didn't go through depression, then I would be unprepared for the world and I would be spiritually immature. I have accepted that there's going to be pain and sorrow in life. I am learning not to be scared of it, but rather embrace it; for it is God's way molding and shaping me like clay in His hands. I have realized that I am by no means invulnerable to things I never thought I would or could experience.  It's rather humbling. I may have been unaware of it before depression, but I see now that I was arrogant.
        I see new aspects of God that I was unable to see or understand before. There is a God. And His son Jesus came to this earth to save us from ourselves. I understand this now more than I ever did before. I was still a christian before depression. Even though I hadn't fully understood what Christ's  sacrifice meant for me, I still accepted and believed it. But now, it's like a shroud has been lifted and I see what Christ's sacrifice really means.
     I am still in the midst of depression. I feel that I have a knowledge on how to handle most of the things that have been bothering and upsetting me except for one thing. It's the biggest problem and it's at the core of my depression. Loneliness gnaws at me every day and I cannot describe how much I yearn for someone to love. I pray for God to lead me to the right person but it's hard. I burst into tears every time I pray about it because it's just never happened for me and it really lowers my self image, esteem, and confidence. I block it out when I can because it has been the driving force and the motivation for nearly committing suicide multiple times. It has definitely impacted my spiritual life as well. In the past, I have been very distrustful of God and I was even scared to pray to Him because I was so frightened that I would live my life alone. I still have that fear but I ignore my emotions and pray to God regardless. When my emotions blatantly contradict what I know that the spirit wants, then I already know that that's the flesh talking to me. I am so thankful to God for giving me discernment. It's a vital tool in the fight against the flesh. I will keep praying and see what God has in store for me

The Psychology Behind Suicide

       Suicide is a very grim affair. I never understood how people could want to take their own lives. Now, it is easy for me to understand. Life can bring you to your knees if you let it. The core of my depression has not been extinguished and it can easily lead me down that dark path. I am too scared to face it so I do whatever I can to block it out and ignore it. Thinking of suicide doesn't just affect the mind. It has repercussions for the body as well. Whenever a suicidal thought would enter my mind, I lost touch with reality and I couldn't hear anything else but my own thoughts. I would stand perfectly still, unable to move.Suicidal thoughts open the floodgate for a whole horde of awful memories, feelings, and emotions. Since I've had past experience with suicide, it only makes it all the more painful. I always start to breathe shallow, quick breaths and tears stream down my cheeks. Every other solution appears to be irrational in my eyes. When you can't find a solution to your problem/s, you start to panic and look for a way out. The problems become more and more painful and unbearable over time. Add resentment to the mix and you have a deadly cocktail which if it isn't cured soon, can be deadly. Pride, denial and shame kept me from seeking help as long as I did. It took one of my friends to help me realize that I was simply unable to help or take care of myself.
       Being suicidal is the worst feeling I have ever experienced and I daresay that it is the worst thing that you can feel. When your mind gets hooked on being suicidal, there is no hope. Only death and a strong desire to make the pain stop. No matter the cost. The world appears to be this empty, cruel and hollow place when you are thinking of suicide. There is hope, however. Even if you are too blind from despair to see it. Seek out help and support from friends, family, and God. This trinity is the only thing that has kept me from giving in. God provides for me and subtly gives me hope by having me experience new situations. As long as you're alive, there is always hope.

Scars

    It's hard to think positively and it's even hard to think straight when your mind is filled with so much hurt and pain. Some days I'll be in shock and I'll be thinking: 'I can't believe how much this hurts.' I haven't felt this bad since valentine's day when I nearly attempted suicide. I hate valentine's day. It's nothing but an excuse for couples to flaunt that they have someone. It shouldn't be a holiday. I pretend it doesn't exist because every year, it's brought me nothing but extreme pain and heartbreak.
     Depression is so exhausting and it just completely deflates me and sucks out all my hope and good feelings. I feel so lonely and Isolated from reality. I can't seem to find happiness. Everyone has dreams. My dream is to find a wife. It's also my deepest and greatest pain and sorrow. I block it out because it hurts so bad and it can lead me down the road to suicide because my desire for a companion is so intense. I also block it out because I don't know how to deal with it. If I confront it, negative voices in my head bombard me one after another and they all sound cruel and cold. But the scariest thing is that they sound logical to me. If I try to think positively, it feels like I'm lying to myself. I am at a loss as what to do. My past emotional scars still haunt me. Rejections, broken friendships, suicide attempts.... The pain isn't sharp but it's dull and numbing. It makes me feel dead sometimes. I want to be healed. Sometimes I wish I could start life over. To me, life seems to have a lot more bad things than good. I've generally accepted that the majority of life is pain. The only thing I truly look forward to is the day when God calls me home. I don't dare to hope to get married because I'm scared that if I hope, I will ultimately be crushed by despair. I choose to block it out. I can't fight this anymore. I choose to retreat and block it all out. I need time away from the pain, tears, and sorrow so that my mind and emotions can heal.

The Difference Between Forgiveness And Mercy

     So what is the difference between forgiveness and mercy? A lot of people think that forgiveness is a cancellation of a debt and/or punishment. That is actually the definition of mercy. Forgiveness is when you no longer hold the thing that that the offender did over them. You no longer hold a grudge. But that doesn't necessarily mean that they escape the consequences. Let's apply this in biblical terms. We are all sinners. When we ask for God's forgiveness, He does forgive us but that doesn't mean that we get to escape the consequences of our actions. We are still condemned to a physical death for rebelling against God. However, God grants us mercy from eternal damnation. In other words, He essentially cancels that punishment for us. We don't need to suffer because Jesus already paid the price on our behalf. That is grace. God has a perfect mix of forgiveness, mercy, and grace. That is truly wonderful.
     Resentment is hard to beat. It doesn't go away if you forgive only once. You must repeatedly forgive and pray to God for the strength and wisdom necessary to do so. I forgive the offenders but that doesn't mean I have to agree with what they did. I refuse to hold this over them because by doing that, I am letting this offense control my life and behavior. This grudge has gone on long enough. It has lasted 10 years and that is my fault for letting it affect me the way it has. I in turn pray for forgiveness. Resentment is quite the interesting creature. You don't want to let go of it and yet it continually poisons you. It's quite literally addictive and it takes a lot of willpower to break the cycle. By the goodness of God, He has provided me a way out. I have to work for it but it's worth it and I am just thankful that God answered me. Holding onto a grudge this long has consequences but I am willing to endure them. I honestly love how God teaches us. It's seriously spiritual nourishment for me. It just lets me regain that childlike wonder at how God works and the work I see Him doing in my life and in the lives of others. God is truly great!!! 

Views On Pain And Suffering

      Why must we go through pain and suffering throughout our lives? For the Christian, the answer is quite simple and complex at the same time. The short answer is that there's sin in the world and Jesus never promised us an easy life. God knows that pain and suffering isn't fun to endure but He can use our suffering to further His glory and to help us grow and learn. I have definitely learned from my share of pain and suffering that I've gone through. I am still learning and growing. Yes it is frustrating and even seemingly unbearable at times but I am thankful that the lord uses my pain to help me grow. It gives me a deeper understanding to life and God's purpose for me.
      As fallen creatures, we bring a lot of pain and suffering upon ourselves; whether it be directly or indirectly. I admit that my depression has been caused by me and me alone. When I started to notice that I was getting depressed, I ignored the warning signs and I nearly paid for that with my life multiple times. That was directly my fault. When I was a young child, I had psychological and physical hurts done to me that still affect me to this day. I was unaware of the true impact of these events until my therapist helped me to remove a mental block in my mind. That was indirectly my fault. I cannot always control what happens to me but I can control how I react to it. Now, I do not expect myself to react perfectly to every painful situation nor do I expect anyone else to. This is something that we must train ourselves to do throughout our lives.
       When we are afflicted with pain and suffering, our instinct is to look for relief or to cast the blame on another. To cast the blame on another is part of our sinful nature and we must learn to accept responsibility and to see events for what they are. I often had thoughts/ideas come rapidly to the surface of my mind as who was to blame for my pain and suffering. I fought these thoughts by saying to myself that God is in control and He will use this to teach and bless me. I try my best to be open and listen to what God has to teach me. I won't lie. I constantly looked for relief when my emotional pain brought me to my knees in tears and trembling. Suicide became a crutch for me. Thinking of a way out was comforting to me at the time because I just wanted to be with Jesus. Satan whispers so many lies to us. Lies like 'You're weak. You're not fit to survive. Living only means more pain. Nobody can love you.' My thoughts and emotions were so distorted and irrational at those times that I nearly believed those lies. To escape reality, I would always take a nap because I was so exhausted from fighting.
        Pain and suffering is necessary for us to grow and learn. You can either choose to learn, or succumb to misery. The answer is simple but not always easy. I choose to learn and Grow

My Many Changes Of Perspective On Death

      Everyone's going to die. It's a fact of life and it's a consequence of sin. God is right when He punishes sin with death. But God loves us so much that He sent His beloved son to die for our sins so that we do not have to suffer eternal damnation. I have been a christian all of my life. My earliest thought of death was when I was no more than eleven years old. I knew that I was going to die someday but it just didn't really hit me. It didn't seem real to me because for most of us, when we're kids, we're shielded from those kind of things until we grow older. There's death all the time on television but most of that is acting. It dulls our senses. We are so often distracted with what our culture throws at us so that we don't see reality.
     What is death? As Christians, we are spiritually dead without Christ and we suffer eventual physical death due to sin. Eventually, we will stop breathing and our hearts will stop beating. I am not so fearful of death itself. I am more scared of the pain rather than the actual event. Having tried to take my own life multiple times, I see how fragile our lives really are. I have stared my own  mortality in the face. I have shuddered and cried because I had felt that the pain in this life was too much for me to endure. My thinking became so warped and twisted that I would often go immediately in my mind to suicide whenever something very painful happened. I did this because it was a defense mechanism. A mechanism that I am finally free of. I think it is truly wonderful how God can turn such a horrible and unbelievably painful experience and turn it into something good and valuable. I am no longer materialistic. I realize that I will die someday and it is for God to choose that day and not me. Everything on this earth is temporary. I will wait patiently for the lord. I do still have desires and dreams that I wish to see fulfilled but I realize now that God's timetable is better than my own and He knows what is best for me. He still has things for me to do and learn before I meet 'the one'.
       When I was in the midst of suicidal thoughts and tendencies, I saw life as nothing but humiliating and a curse. I saw death as a welcome friend. I am not going to live my life as if I am in control of it because ultimately, I am not. I feel comfort and relief knowing that God controls my destiny. I will help people in any way I can. Today, I see death as the last obstacle for me to overcome. There are days when I wish I could just be with the lord but it's not my time. Life has it's joys. There is still some measure of happiness to be found. My job and goal for now is to grow in wisdom and favor with the lord. There is always more to learn. I need to build up treasures in heaven. I think everyone should fear death at least to a certain degree. It is a punishment, but if you accept Jesus, it becomes so much more bearable and then you will be in paradise with Him! That always makes me smile. Heaven is fun to think about but the bible only offers us glimpses of what it will be like. Death is just the beginning. Jesus conquered death and He will raise you up into eternal life if you accept Him. I know I did and it's the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

Putting God First

      It is so easy to dwell on your desires and dreams. It is dangerous to do this because they grow into obsessions and they have the power to drive you mad with grief and pain. I have made this mistake before and it nearly cost me my relationship with God. That is something that I truly value above all else. I have learned to let my desires and dreams smolder and wither. A spouse will come when God decides that I am ready. It doesn't mean I have to let my dream go. It just means I have to shift my focus and let God be the master of my dreams and desires. I have struggled so much with allowing God to control my life. As a christian, I am quite sure that many experience and struggle with this and why wouldn't they? They're human and sinners just like me. I have to let go of my pride and stubbornness. Holding onto something and withholding it from God is truly draining. When I think about it logically, surrendering to God isn't slavery. It's freedom and it grants you peace and joy.
     All good deeds mean nothing if you don't do them for the glory of God. Now what does that mean? What I try to do is to praise God in everything I say and do because it is only through His good graces that we can even breathe. This is a great way out of the pits of depression. This is what I strive for

Independence

      The time has come for me to stop reaching out to people and return to being completely self sufficient. People will always let you down and/or anger you. In this world, it's a cycle that has no end. In the end, you can't trust anyone but yourself and God. My feelings are my own and nobody has the right to lecture me or anybody else on whether our feelings are right or wrong. They're just feelings. What truly matters is how you act on them. Are you going to control your feelings or are your feelings going to control you?It's your choice. You cannot dwell on your feelings because if you do, then all you are doing is feeding them.
       I am going to cleanse myself of all my desires and dreams because I do not believe that they will come to pass and they have only served to hurt me. The only way to make it in this world is to push forward. Ignore all hindrances. People have hurt me; much more than I thought was possible. I believe this is because I held in my feelings for so long and I lost the ability to process basic emotions and every single pain was magnified. People don't want to hear about your problems. Why would they? To them, you are just seen as someone who can't take care of themselves and someone who is a wuss.Their answer for you is to suck it up. If you can't accept or process their advice immediately, then they get frustrated and leave you. I see that as the epitome of cowardice, callousness, and abandonment. I pledge that I will never leave my friends in such a way as people have left me. One of my character flaws is that I am too trusting and loyal. I am training myself to filter my feelings and always be on guard. I will be shielding my thoughts and emotions from everyone but my true friends. My priorities Are Jesus and helping people in any way I can.  Those two things are all that matters.

Lost And Fighting Blindly

    It's impossible to think straight when your mind is flooded with negative thoughts and the painful feeling of resentment. I have wrestled with resentment for nearly 13 years. It has a strong hold on me and it is very painful and it feels like I am being suffocated. I want to forgive but it gets harder each time I do. I have recently asked myself, 'Do they even deserve to be forgiven? The pain they have caused has become a scar.' I fight off that train of thought because it is not from God. It's Satan suggesting things to me to keep me miserable. I am emotionally exhausted and I am very tempted to block out the pain and sorrow. Suicidal thoughts have come back but instead of fighting them head on, I choose to ignore them. I still feel hollow, empty and heartbroken. I am ashamed to talk to God because my thoughts are so dark and I know that I have been self absorbed. I just pray so hard that Jesus will carry me when I collapse from exhaustion and tears.
      I can easily tell that depression is getting worse. I have skipped meals that I shouldn't of. I often go into a stupor and stare at my wall. Crying has become a regular thing for me. I keep remembering Jesus' words. 'Lo, I am with you. Even unto the end of the age.' I cried so hard when I read this because I forgot and my mind has been filled with so many thoughts and feelings of anger, despair and loneliness. Jesus is a light in my world of darkness. I have not smiled for a long time. I hope that day comes again. I want to be happy again

Incomplete And Drained Of Hope

    I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so empty and heartbroken. Every time I see or hear about couples, I have to fight off suicidal thoughts and tears. I thought a job would offer me a way out of depression. It's what my therapist said but it has only intensified my feelings of loneliness and hurt. It's a constant dull ache and it hurts. It acts like a huge drain on my hope and I hold very little of it now. I truly feel dead inside and I feel like I am little more than an echo. A remnant. The effect that depression has on the mind and emotions is devastating. It acts like a parasite. It takes and leaves you feeling weak and hopeless. For me, it often brings me to tears and I am brought to my knees. I want God to make it stop so badly. I don't know how much more I can take. I need to keep fighting until my next therapist appointment. This cannot go on. I must find a way to heal

Defeat

    Depression has crept into my work. I struggle to hold in tears while I am at work. I had a major problem with this during my last job but I have an advantage here because I am prepared and I am sad to say that I am used to this sort of pain. I dreamed about my suicide attempts last night and I woke up with a cold sweat and heavy breathing. I have been struggling with a lot of anger and I am ashamed to say that I have taken much of it out on God. I just feel so defeated and beaten down. My heart is broken and it aches for a companion. My desire has become an obsession and it's making me sick. I cannot think clearly. I am glad to have Jesus because he forgives. I am praying for guidance, patience and a clear head to think things through because my thinking has been really irrational. I can't comprehend how I can be satisfied with Christ only. I come close to relationships only to force myself to withdraw because I am not ready. I know that but my emotions say otherwise and sadly, they have come close to ruling my life so I am attempting to keep them pinned down. I want the pain and heartache to stop. I just need to submit to God's timing and not mine. I don't know how to make the loneliness go away and it hurts me so bad. When I see couples, I come close to thinking extremely dark thoughts that lead me down the path I am all too familiar with.I am doing everything I can to fight my depression but I am running out of energy. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I just want to be happy again