Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Pain
There are days when I literally feel hollow and empty from so much emotional pain. This is one of those days. It is so hard to keep holding onto hope when the pain just keeps getting worse and worse. I just put on a fake smile for my family and I tell them that I'm just tired because they always go into a tailspin whenever I talk to them. I'm losing hope of ever finding a girlfriend. Oh, I have many friends that are girls, sure but no real intimacy. It's the worst feeling in the world and I can honestly say that I am getting tired of trying. I don't remember the last time I was truly happy. I have been feeling so utterly alone. I feel like just a shell. Every day, I'm just waiting for the day to end. And when night comes, I have nightmare after nightmare but at least it's a brief escape from the pain. I've always considered myself weak. I know that it's just life and there are many other people going through this but that's honestly been of very little comfort for me. I've never had a girlfriend in my life. It's made me feel so lonely and pathetic. I am truly ashamed even writing it now. Friends usually respond to me by saying, 'Oh, you don't want to be in a relationship it's a lot of work and commitment.' I would respond by saying that I honestly do not care. I would give it my all. This is truly the only thing I desire in life at the moment. It may seem pathetic to some but it's a huge burden for me. I honestly feel that not even the bible is helping me. I don't know what to do
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Alex, you are searching for happiness in the wrong place my friend. There is no woman that will complete you, make you whole or make your life worth living. Before you give your heart away to someone you need to find your fulfillment and completion in Christ. Think of it this way, you will always regret a girlfriend coming in and picking up the broken pieces of your heart. You will always feel like you aren't good enough for her, or that you aren't her knight in shining armor. If you focus on letting Christ do the mending instead of a girl then you will be able to hand your 'whole' heart over to her, perfectly stitched back together. Before you can find the girl of your dreams you need to make yourself the man of her dreams. Keep pushing through it though, Alex. You've said the worst is over. Look at the beautiful snow falling and remember that Gods love will fill you ten times over any love a woman could ever give you. Praying for you always.
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