Reflections

        After a year I am still clinically depressed. Am I disappointed? Not really. I expected the healing process to be slow. One thing I am surprised about is that I am still alive today to be typing this. It is truly by the grace of God that I am able to go on. He will never give you anything you can't handle. I must say though, a lot of times I have completely disregarded this statement. When a person is literally doubled over and brought to their knees by the severity of depression and suicidal idealization, it is very likely that they won't think clearly and will completely disregard any positive thoughts or hope. This was me last night. The emotional pain was so excruciating that I was literally screaming to God for help. It wasn't one specific thing. It was everything. The thought of going another day like this was to painful for me to comprehend. I prayed to the Lord for any kind of peace, a respite at least. I got so emotionally and physically exhausted from crying that I just passed out and fell asleep. When I woke up this morning, I could still feel the residual pain from last night but it was fading and then I experienced something today that I can honestly say I haven't felt in a year. My mind and soul were completely still and quiet. At peace. For once, I didn't have a negative thought or a nagging doubt. They were all gone. suppressed. Even though this peace is most likely temporary, I am quite sure that the lord had answered my prayer. I am extremely thankful for that. I don't expect Him to make all my troubles go away with a snap of his finger but I can expect Him to be there with me throughout my suffering. That goes anyone who trusts in the Lord. We never have to suffer alone.