One Year

        Today is the one year anniversary since suicidal thoughts first crept into my mind. In two days would be my first suicide attempt. I still remember all of this as though it were only yesterday. I remember how hopeless and alone I felt. I was constantly weeping and I refused to do any activities that I used to enjoy. I even refused to eat because I wanted myself to starve to death. I wanted to die but I was scared of the pain that accompanied death. I felt dead for a really long time and in this stage of my life, Jesus was the one who carried me because I was too tired to go on. He had mercy on me even when I was angry with Him.
       I remember when my first suicide attempt was a failure, it had a profound affect on my mind. It completely sapped my will and emotionally exhausted me. The unwanted negative and suicidal thoughts were unyielding and relentless. My only way of escape from reality was to go to sleep. Even my sleep was plagued with nightmares and unpleasant 'what-if' circumstances. Whenever I awoke, I couldn't wait until the day ended and when the day ended, I couldn't wait until a new day began. I started to hate myself for being weak so I started cutting. I wanted to bleed out and die. I was usually able to reason through my thoughts but that ability was completely destroyed when automatic negative thoughts started. I had never been more scared or more confused in my life. The only I could describe it would be a living hell. I felt so alone and I was completely paranoid and I thought nobody knew what they were talking about. I had thoughts like, 'This is the end of the line. You've lost the fight. Why bother going on?'
        I felt like I had nothing to live for and that everything I desired was intangible. I so desired a girlfriend, a wife. It had been on my mind ever since I was little. I started giving myself ultimatums like, 'If I don't have a girlfriend by my birthday, then I will make out my will and end my life.' It never happened because my mind would change. But that was the only reason I wanted to stay alive. I felt so cheated and my heart was like an empty void.
          Today, suicidal thoughts are a lot less common but they still happen. When they do, I am usually able to suppress them. I have a new way of fighting depression and that is by biblical thinking. Whenever depression hits, I cling to Jesus like I'm holding on for dear life. I realize now that I cannot control the things that I desire in my life and by trying to control them, it has only caused me much sorrow and pain. So why bother controlling them when I can give it up to Jesus? My friends and family always gave me advice similar to that but I couldn't even conceive of it because, I wasn't trusting God and I was still trying to be in control. I am slowly learning more about myself and I am experiencing more spiritual growth than I have at any other time in my life. I see my depression as something that had to happen otherwise I would never change. I continue to learn and change every day.