Finding The Root

        Diagnoses have started for finding out if I have any psychological disorders. So far, it seems that doctors have mixed conclusions. One thinks I do not have aspergers but I do have asperger-like symptoms while another thinks that I am borderline aspergers. My therapist can see, according to my behavior, that my ADD still exists underneath my depression. My psychologist has started me on some additional medication which I feel so far to be having side effects. My heart's pounding, I have some mood swings, and I had extreme difficulty sleeping last night. I am not too concerned with whatever it is that I have. As I have stated in previous posts, I think it would be beneficial to find the root of my behavior.
          Waiting is hard. Especially in the evening when the only option is to go to sleep. That's when my depression really kicks in. This brings to my mind a few questions: How can I get through this? What or whom to I depend on to get through this? Where can I place my hope? The only tried and true answer I've come up with is to wait on the Lord. As Christians, we do not have to mourn like those who have no hope. God will always be with us and never forsake us amidst our trials and suffering. This is easier said than done, however. I have been training myself to place all my worries and sorrows on the Lord because alone, it is way too much for me to bear. Through biblical training, I am slowly but surely coming to conclusions about certain conflicts and worries I have been having in my life. I would be lying if I said I have completely mastered this. Two things in life that I was sure I had control over were my emotions and the ability to come to swift conclusions on matters that deeply disturbed and upset me. When depression hit, it turned my world upside down and nothing made sense to me anymore. I couldn't keep my thoughts organized, my emotions were magnified tenfold and I lost control over myself.
          Control and Order. These are things that I prized most and hanged onto dearly my entire life. Again, depression blew this completely out of the water. I was unsure of everything in my life and everything was chaos. I have come to the conclusion that the only real thing we have control of in this life is what we believe. Christ is the only one in my life that remained as an anchor, a constant. I now understand that what I am going through is his way of teaching me to put Him in control of my life. When I think about it, I have made quite a mess of my life myself and it is quite exhausting to try to control everything. Our lives are not our own, as the bible states. They belong to the Lord and he truly knows what's best. I've always wondered what faith actually means. A few days ago, my dad told me that he likes to think that faith is synonymous with trust. This has helped me tremendously and it actually has started the process of me giving everything up to the Lord. It's slow, but that's the way it should be. The Lord has us think and meditate on what we're going through. If we learned it in a heartbeat, then their would be no spiritual growth. I have my faith in Jesus Christ and He is truly the only one I truly trust in this life. Things of this world may change, but He will NEVER change.