The Return

         As I suspected, the brief respite from my depression ended. It was slow at first. A thought popped up here and there. The next day I started getting tension headaches and even tension in my chest. By then my depression had returned completely. I got so frustrated because things felt like they weren't moving forward at all. Sometimes I wonder if it'll last my entire life. I've even begun to suspect that depression may not be the only problem. Someone close to me has told me they think I may have more psychological problems than depression. I am definitely open to the possibility. I'm even willing to undergo tests for psychological disorders. Does this upset me? No. In fact, I'm quite curious to find out. I must admit, I do a lot of weird things that normal people do not do. For example, I watch movies in a certain order and I cannot stand to break that order. I really don't understand why I do it. It will be nice to know if I have any disorders because this way, I can learn to cope with them. And additionally, if I do have any disorders, then it is more than likely that I've had them my entire life so it shouldn't come as a big surprise. Some of my family members have mentioned that they think I may have asperger syndrome. For those of you who do not know, aspergers is an autism spectrum disorder. It is classified by 'significant social difficulties, alongside restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior and interests.' When I researched this, I was amazed because that describes me pretty well. Now of course, It's not definitive that I have aspergers but it's something I'm definitely willing to look into.

              I no longer have a concept of a 'normal' life. I have come to believe that not a single person on earth can live a normal life due to the strife and tragedies that occur in our lives. Everyone will have at least one significant loss/hardship occur in their lives. It's how we deal with them that determines what we become. My path to me, at least, is clouded. I do not know where I am going or what will happen but I have to trust that the Lord knows what he is doing. I'll admit, when I become totally engulfed in sorrow and depression, I lose faith. That is one of my weaknesses and I will fight it until my dying breath. Even if my depression is lifelong, I can rejoice in the trials the Lord sets before me because it will only make me stronger and solidify my faith.