I am experiencing spiritual growth and peace that I have never experienced before in my life. My depression is still there but when I'm in a normal mood, it feels muted, silenced. I truly rejoice in my trials because the book of James says it's a time where the Lord can teach us. Praise God in whatever you do. I remember that this phrase used to be so foreign to me and it didn't make sense. Two nights ago, I was weeping because I was in so much emotional pain but for the first time I gave thanks to God because he has taught me so much throughout this depression.
"Whatever is: true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy, think about such things." I have thought of nothing but Jesus and heaven for the past few days. I don't expect my depression to just disappear. And that is perfectly fine with me because it has been a time where my relationship with Christ has expanded tenfold.
I am finally starting to understand what it means to put Christ first and let him control your life. It may be simple but it is definitely not easy. The area in my life that I've had extreme difficulty surrendering to Him is finding a companion, a wife. I never trusted him to watch over this area but I finally started letting go two nights ago. God really does know what's best and if He deems that I shall have a wife later in life rather than now, then so be it. Or maybe I won't have one in this life. As painful as that thought is, I still accept it as a possibility. There are many ways that God can use me while I'm single. It's all for His glory, not mine. I realized that this is an area that I don't have complete control over and God knows what's best for me. It is honestly a huge weight off of my body now that I've begun the process of surrendering my life completely to Jesus. To know that God's watching over my life and guiding my footsteps is a huge relief and comfort. I still severe emotional pain from being lonely but something that has helped is to hang out with friends and get out of the house. I see my entire depression as me being under God's instruction and I honestly crave to learn more and to grow closer to Him. I've begun a habit of desperately clinging to God. Whether it be in good times or bad. Praise God in whatever you do. I accept that I am a sinner and I will forget to praise Him many times that's okay. He will forgive me. Through Christ, we are free from the Condemnation of The Law and we are free to follow him. Through his Holy Spirit, we become more like him
Monday, January 30, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
One Year
Today is the one year anniversary since suicidal thoughts first crept into my mind. In two days would be my first suicide attempt. I still remember all of this as though it were only yesterday. I remember how hopeless and alone I felt. I was constantly weeping and I refused to do any activities that I used to enjoy. I even refused to eat because I wanted myself to starve to death. I wanted to die but I was scared of the pain that accompanied death. I felt dead for a really long time and in this stage of my life, Jesus was the one who carried me because I was too tired to go on. He had mercy on me even when I was angry with Him.
I remember when my first suicide attempt was a failure, it had a profound affect on my mind. It completely sapped my will and emotionally exhausted me. The unwanted negative and suicidal thoughts were unyielding and relentless. My only way of escape from reality was to go to sleep. Even my sleep was plagued with nightmares and unpleasant 'what-if' circumstances. Whenever I awoke, I couldn't wait until the day ended and when the day ended, I couldn't wait until a new day began. I started to hate myself for being weak so I started cutting. I wanted to bleed out and die. I was usually able to reason through my thoughts but that ability was completely destroyed when automatic negative thoughts started. I had never been more scared or more confused in my life. The only I could describe it would be a living hell. I felt so alone and I was completely paranoid and I thought nobody knew what they were talking about. I had thoughts like, 'This is the end of the line. You've lost the fight. Why bother going on?'
I felt like I had nothing to live for and that everything I desired was intangible. I so desired a girlfriend, a wife. It had been on my mind ever since I was little. I started giving myself ultimatums like, 'If I don't have a girlfriend by my birthday, then I will make out my will and end my life.' It never happened because my mind would change. But that was the only reason I wanted to stay alive. I felt so cheated and my heart was like an empty void.
Today, suicidal thoughts are a lot less common but they still happen. When they do, I am usually able to suppress them. I have a new way of fighting depression and that is by biblical thinking. Whenever depression hits, I cling to Jesus like I'm holding on for dear life. I realize now that I cannot control the things that I desire in my life and by trying to control them, it has only caused me much sorrow and pain. So why bother controlling them when I can give it up to Jesus? My friends and family always gave me advice similar to that but I couldn't even conceive of it because, I wasn't trusting God and I was still trying to be in control. I am slowly learning more about myself and I am experiencing more spiritual growth than I have at any other time in my life. I see my depression as something that had to happen otherwise I would never change. I continue to learn and change every day.
I remember when my first suicide attempt was a failure, it had a profound affect on my mind. It completely sapped my will and emotionally exhausted me. The unwanted negative and suicidal thoughts were unyielding and relentless. My only way of escape from reality was to go to sleep. Even my sleep was plagued with nightmares and unpleasant 'what-if' circumstances. Whenever I awoke, I couldn't wait until the day ended and when the day ended, I couldn't wait until a new day began. I started to hate myself for being weak so I started cutting. I wanted to bleed out and die. I was usually able to reason through my thoughts but that ability was completely destroyed when automatic negative thoughts started. I had never been more scared or more confused in my life. The only I could describe it would be a living hell. I felt so alone and I was completely paranoid and I thought nobody knew what they were talking about. I had thoughts like, 'This is the end of the line. You've lost the fight. Why bother going on?'
I felt like I had nothing to live for and that everything I desired was intangible. I so desired a girlfriend, a wife. It had been on my mind ever since I was little. I started giving myself ultimatums like, 'If I don't have a girlfriend by my birthday, then I will make out my will and end my life.' It never happened because my mind would change. But that was the only reason I wanted to stay alive. I felt so cheated and my heart was like an empty void.
Today, suicidal thoughts are a lot less common but they still happen. When they do, I am usually able to suppress them. I have a new way of fighting depression and that is by biblical thinking. Whenever depression hits, I cling to Jesus like I'm holding on for dear life. I realize now that I cannot control the things that I desire in my life and by trying to control them, it has only caused me much sorrow and pain. So why bother controlling them when I can give it up to Jesus? My friends and family always gave me advice similar to that but I couldn't even conceive of it because, I wasn't trusting God and I was still trying to be in control. I am slowly learning more about myself and I am experiencing more spiritual growth than I have at any other time in my life. I see my depression as something that had to happen otherwise I would never change. I continue to learn and change every day.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Finding The Root
Diagnoses have started for finding out if I have any psychological disorders. So far, it seems that doctors have mixed conclusions. One thinks I do not have aspergers but I do have asperger-like symptoms while another thinks that I am borderline aspergers. My therapist can see, according to my behavior, that my ADD still exists underneath my depression. My psychologist has started me on some additional medication which I feel so far to be having side effects. My heart's pounding, I have some mood swings, and I had extreme difficulty sleeping last night. I am not too concerned with whatever it is that I have. As I have stated in previous posts, I think it would be beneficial to find the root of my behavior.
Waiting is hard. Especially in the evening when the only option is to go to sleep. That's when my depression really kicks in. This brings to my mind a few questions: How can I get through this? What or whom to I depend on to get through this? Where can I place my hope? The only tried and true answer I've come up with is to wait on the Lord. As Christians, we do not have to mourn like those who have no hope. God will always be with us and never forsake us amidst our trials and suffering. This is easier said than done, however. I have been training myself to place all my worries and sorrows on the Lord because alone, it is way too much for me to bear. Through biblical training, I am slowly but surely coming to conclusions about certain conflicts and worries I have been having in my life. I would be lying if I said I have completely mastered this. Two things in life that I was sure I had control over were my emotions and the ability to come to swift conclusions on matters that deeply disturbed and upset me. When depression hit, it turned my world upside down and nothing made sense to me anymore. I couldn't keep my thoughts organized, my emotions were magnified tenfold and I lost control over myself.
Control and Order. These are things that I prized most and hanged onto dearly my entire life. Again, depression blew this completely out of the water. I was unsure of everything in my life and everything was chaos. I have come to the conclusion that the only real thing we have control of in this life is what we believe. Christ is the only one in my life that remained as an anchor, a constant. I now understand that what I am going through is his way of teaching me to put Him in control of my life. When I think about it, I have made quite a mess of my life myself and it is quite exhausting to try to control everything. Our lives are not our own, as the bible states. They belong to the Lord and he truly knows what's best. I've always wondered what faith actually means. A few days ago, my dad told me that he likes to think that faith is synonymous with trust. This has helped me tremendously and it actually has started the process of me giving everything up to the Lord. It's slow, but that's the way it should be. The Lord has us think and meditate on what we're going through. If we learned it in a heartbeat, then their would be no spiritual growth. I have my faith in Jesus Christ and He is truly the only one I truly trust in this life. Things of this world may change, but He will NEVER change.
Waiting is hard. Especially in the evening when the only option is to go to sleep. That's when my depression really kicks in. This brings to my mind a few questions: How can I get through this? What or whom to I depend on to get through this? Where can I place my hope? The only tried and true answer I've come up with is to wait on the Lord. As Christians, we do not have to mourn like those who have no hope. God will always be with us and never forsake us amidst our trials and suffering. This is easier said than done, however. I have been training myself to place all my worries and sorrows on the Lord because alone, it is way too much for me to bear. Through biblical training, I am slowly but surely coming to conclusions about certain conflicts and worries I have been having in my life. I would be lying if I said I have completely mastered this. Two things in life that I was sure I had control over were my emotions and the ability to come to swift conclusions on matters that deeply disturbed and upset me. When depression hit, it turned my world upside down and nothing made sense to me anymore. I couldn't keep my thoughts organized, my emotions were magnified tenfold and I lost control over myself.
Control and Order. These are things that I prized most and hanged onto dearly my entire life. Again, depression blew this completely out of the water. I was unsure of everything in my life and everything was chaos. I have come to the conclusion that the only real thing we have control of in this life is what we believe. Christ is the only one in my life that remained as an anchor, a constant. I now understand that what I am going through is his way of teaching me to put Him in control of my life. When I think about it, I have made quite a mess of my life myself and it is quite exhausting to try to control everything. Our lives are not our own, as the bible states. They belong to the Lord and he truly knows what's best. I've always wondered what faith actually means. A few days ago, my dad told me that he likes to think that faith is synonymous with trust. This has helped me tremendously and it actually has started the process of me giving everything up to the Lord. It's slow, but that's the way it should be. The Lord has us think and meditate on what we're going through. If we learned it in a heartbeat, then their would be no spiritual growth. I have my faith in Jesus Christ and He is truly the only one I truly trust in this life. Things of this world may change, but He will NEVER change.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Strength
When depression hits, it's really hard for me to think positively. I would usually let it take me over until it passed because I got so exhausted from fighting it. Automatic negative thoughts will enter my mind like, 'This is where I will stay in life. You'll never find someone. This is your destiny.' I wouldn't even bother to challenge them because they sounded so logical to me. These thoughts still plague me everyday but lately I've been taking strength from the book of James. It mentions that you can find happiness amidst your darkest trials in life. It's so easy to forget that as a christian, this is not my true home. This too shall pass. I long to be with my heavenly Father. But I will wait because he wants me here for some purpose. Maybe part of my purpose is to impart my experiences onto others who are going through depression and pray that they find comfort in that they are not alone. Things could be much worse. So many of the bible's heroes went through depression and they faced much more adversity than I will ever experience. Job and Elijah are just two examples. Job lost nearly everything he held dear and still he did not lose faith. His wife begged him to curse God and die but he did not. Elijah had to stand before eight hundred and fifty prophets! And he faced many more adversities which would take too long to list and explain in this post. My point is that without God, Job and Elijah would have failed miserably in taking on their troubles. They cast all their troubles and anxieties on The Lord. I admit that I had not been doing that because I would wait and expect to feel better. But the truth is that by just sitting there, you will not feel better. All you're doing is stirring in your own depression. You have to read and meditate on the bible and find hope in that. It has truly made me happy just thinking about heaven and meeting all these bible heroes. To me, it's really fun and interesting to think about. When I think about it, I feel that everything will be alright eventually. Just put all your worries and anxieties on Christ
Friday, January 13, 2012
Changes
I am not one who copes well with change. But I cannot deny that some change is necessary and good. You will never get anywhere if you do not flow with the current of change. Something I've been determined to do lately is to change my lifestyle and my way of thinking. The first step for me is to get to the bottom of what is truly wrong with me. More and more of my family suspects that I have aspergers syndrome. I think that as well because after reading about it, the symptoms describe me so well. I will not use it as an excuse to continue doing the things that I do. Rather, I will find solutions and I am bringing it up to my therapist next week.
A comment posted on one of my recent posts got me thinking. I do have my priorities wrong. I should be focusing on Christ before I do anything else. It's just been so hard because frustration and depression has been blocking everything. I refuse to fall back into the same old routine. I am making plans to work out and eat healthy. Meeting new people will also greatly help. Inaction is unacceptable to me. I am determined to live a new life. If I do have aspergers, it will not bring me down. Until then, my number one priority must be Christ. I'll admit; I was so angry with God because I felt like he wasn't doing anything for me. I honestly wish I could just hear his voice. I was so fed up. But after much pondering and soul searching I realized that he can speak MANY more ways than one. He can speak through someone's actions, he can speak through others words. Deep down, I knew that God wasn't to blame. I am not weak. Many other people go through the same crisis of faith as me and they overcome it. I can too.
A comment posted on one of my recent posts got me thinking. I do have my priorities wrong. I should be focusing on Christ before I do anything else. It's just been so hard because frustration and depression has been blocking everything. I refuse to fall back into the same old routine. I am making plans to work out and eat healthy. Meeting new people will also greatly help. Inaction is unacceptable to me. I am determined to live a new life. If I do have aspergers, it will not bring me down. Until then, my number one priority must be Christ. I'll admit; I was so angry with God because I felt like he wasn't doing anything for me. I honestly wish I could just hear his voice. I was so fed up. But after much pondering and soul searching I realized that he can speak MANY more ways than one. He can speak through someone's actions, he can speak through others words. Deep down, I knew that God wasn't to blame. I am not weak. Many other people go through the same crisis of faith as me and they overcome it. I can too.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Pain
There are days when I literally feel hollow and empty from so much emotional pain. This is one of those days. It is so hard to keep holding onto hope when the pain just keeps getting worse and worse. I just put on a fake smile for my family and I tell them that I'm just tired because they always go into a tailspin whenever I talk to them. I'm losing hope of ever finding a girlfriend. Oh, I have many friends that are girls, sure but no real intimacy. It's the worst feeling in the world and I can honestly say that I am getting tired of trying. I don't remember the last time I was truly happy. I have been feeling so utterly alone. I feel like just a shell. Every day, I'm just waiting for the day to end. And when night comes, I have nightmare after nightmare but at least it's a brief escape from the pain. I've always considered myself weak. I know that it's just life and there are many other people going through this but that's honestly been of very little comfort for me. I've never had a girlfriend in my life. It's made me feel so lonely and pathetic. I am truly ashamed even writing it now. Friends usually respond to me by saying, 'Oh, you don't want to be in a relationship it's a lot of work and commitment.' I would respond by saying that I honestly do not care. I would give it my all. This is truly the only thing I desire in life at the moment. It may seem pathetic to some but it's a huge burden for me. I honestly feel that not even the bible is helping me. I don't know what to do
Sunday, January 8, 2012
The Return
As I suspected, the brief respite from my depression ended. It was slow at first. A thought popped up here and there. The next day I started getting tension headaches and even tension in my chest. By then my depression had returned completely. I got so frustrated because things felt like they weren't moving forward at all. Sometimes I wonder if it'll last my entire life. I've even begun to suspect that depression may not be the only problem. Someone close to me has told me they think I may have more psychological problems than depression. I am definitely open to the possibility. I'm even willing to undergo tests for psychological disorders. Does this upset me? No. In fact, I'm quite curious to find out. I must admit, I do a lot of weird things that normal people do not do. For example, I watch movies in a certain order and I cannot stand to break that order. I really don't understand why I do it. It will be nice to know if I have any disorders because this way, I can learn to cope with them. And additionally, if I do have any disorders, then it is more than likely that I've had them my entire life so it shouldn't come as a big surprise. Some of my family members have mentioned that they think I may have asperger syndrome. For those of you who do not know, aspergers is an autism spectrum disorder. It is classified by 'significant social difficulties, alongside restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior and interests.' When I researched this, I was amazed because that describes me pretty well. Now of course, It's not definitive that I have aspergers but it's something I'm definitely willing to look into.
I no longer have a concept of a 'normal' life. I have come to believe that not a single person on earth can live a normal life due to the strife and tragedies that occur in our lives. Everyone will have at least one significant loss/hardship occur in their lives. It's how we deal with them that determines what we become. My path to me, at least, is clouded. I do not know where I am going or what will happen but I have to trust that the Lord knows what he is doing. I'll admit, when I become totally engulfed in sorrow and depression, I lose faith. That is one of my weaknesses and I will fight it until my dying breath. Even if my depression is lifelong, I can rejoice in the trials the Lord sets before me because it will only make me stronger and solidify my faith.
I no longer have a concept of a 'normal' life. I have come to believe that not a single person on earth can live a normal life due to the strife and tragedies that occur in our lives. Everyone will have at least one significant loss/hardship occur in their lives. It's how we deal with them that determines what we become. My path to me, at least, is clouded. I do not know where I am going or what will happen but I have to trust that the Lord knows what he is doing. I'll admit, when I become totally engulfed in sorrow and depression, I lose faith. That is one of my weaknesses and I will fight it until my dying breath. Even if my depression is lifelong, I can rejoice in the trials the Lord sets before me because it will only make me stronger and solidify my faith.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Reflections
After a year I am still clinically depressed. Am I disappointed? Not really. I expected the healing process to be slow. One thing I am surprised about is that I am still alive today to be typing this. It is truly by the grace of God that I am able to go on. He will never give you anything you can't handle. I must say though, a lot of times I have completely disregarded this statement. When a person is literally doubled over and brought to their knees by the severity of depression and suicidal idealization, it is very likely that they won't think clearly and will completely disregard any positive thoughts or hope. This was me last night. The emotional pain was so excruciating that I was literally screaming to God for help. It wasn't one specific thing. It was everything. The thought of going another day like this was to painful for me to comprehend. I prayed to the Lord for any kind of peace, a respite at least. I got so emotionally and physically exhausted from crying that I just passed out and fell asleep. When I woke up this morning, I could still feel the residual pain from last night but it was fading and then I experienced something today that I can honestly say I haven't felt in a year. My mind and soul were completely still and quiet. At peace. For once, I didn't have a negative thought or a nagging doubt. They were all gone. suppressed. Even though this peace is most likely temporary, I am quite sure that the lord had answered my prayer. I am extremely thankful for that. I don't expect Him to make all my troubles go away with a snap of his finger but I can expect Him to be there with me throughout my suffering. That goes anyone who trusts in the Lord. We never have to suffer alone.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Crimson
Resentment. I can tell you with complete honesty that it is like a poison. Nearly everyday, I am seething with anger, which in turn eventually turns into tears and ends up fueling my depression. Words cannot describe how painful it is. I've prayed countless times to be able to forgive and let go but.... No luck. I've harbored this resentment for 10 years now but for some reason it's all come to a head. It has never affected me this badly before. Sometimes for hours, I'll be thinking of why I feel this way and it's come to a point where it disrupts my day to day activities. I can honestly say I have never felt so angry in my life. I wish I was able to forgive but no matter how many times I've tried, the blinding rage comes back and then I'm back to seething in anger. It doesn't just anger me though, it also breaks my heart and makes me feel betrayed. I am a prisoner of resentment and thus far, I have found no way to release myself from it's grip. I have nothing more to say other than I am no longer capable of doing this on my own
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)